To my husband

Looking back at the way things were. It's been a long road to get where we finally are today, full of bumps and potholes, and sometimes its easy to forget why we are this way. I remember what is was like when we first met, and how we couldn't ever seem to not want to be near each other. Yes things are different now, not because we want them to be but because in a way they have to be. There are times when its hard to look back and see the way things were compared to how they are now.

The first time I looked at you my heart stopped, and I knew there was something different about you. I couldn't stop thinking about you after that. All I wanted was to see you again, to make sure I wasn't imaging things. Then it happened I watched you walk up to me, and felt my heart stop just like it did that first time. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, all I wanted was to be closer to you. When the night ended and we went our separate ways I knew something in me had changed. I felt like part of myself was missing, and I didn't get to figure out why until a few months later.

The next time I ran into you, I couldn't resist asking for you to call me finally. Then when the phone rang just after I walked in the door I felt my heart leap, I have never been so thrilled in my entire life (even though you couldn't remember my name, and by then I was girl with short brown hair). Not long after that, we were nearly inseparable, spent every minute we could together, and when we couldn't be we were on the phone.

I had never felt so connected to anyone even in the beginning, every touch every word felt as if we had been together for years. Always having to be touching something, holding hands or having our knees touch when the hands had to stay in view. Wanting to wake up everyday and just be together no matter what we were doing or what problems we were having, as long as we were together everything would be alright.

Two years pass, and its our wedding day, I have never been so nervous and excited for anything in my life (except for the kids of course). I kept wondering if at some point you were going to change your mind, and run away screaming, and when those doors opened and I walked out and saw you standing there waiting for me, I felt like a princess. I felt so special and important, I never wanted the day to end. Knowing that you wanted to be with me as badly as I did you, was amazing and so overwhelming, it was hard not to cry, just to release all the feelings that were building up inside of me.

Things aren't quite the same as they were we have way more things to worry about besides each other. But I can say with my whole heart you are still the one that makes my heart race, and whose touch makes me feel like a princess. You were made for me and I was made for you, even after all the things we've been through, I have never regretted, walking down that aisle and starting my life anew with you. I wake up each day thanking god for leading me to you, and showing me what I needed. Even when things are bad, the one thing I know in my heart is that I love you and that if I wasn't yours I wouldn't feel like myself. Thank you for choosing me and walking hand in hand with me through this life.

Take a second to look

There are somethings I just don't understand, how can people have little to no understanding about how the things they do and say affect other people. Everything that happens has a ripple effect, and careless thoughts and actions can have negative impacts on everything. People need to think before they act and speak, because it is never apparent what can happen if you don't bother to take a step back and look before you leap.

Things that don't seem painful, or hurtful, can ultimately cause more hurt and pain than can ever be imagined. Just because you say one thing and don't see what harm it could do, does not mean that if someone else sees it that it won't have any meaning for them. Different people have things affect them in different ways, just because it doesn't do anything to you directly does not mean that someone else won't feel something because of it.

Consideration for others does not seem to be a priority for very many. I am by no means saying that I haven't done it, but the point is that you have to take a lesson from the things you have done and try desperately hard not to do them again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, so why not take the time to think previous to doing?

I have to consider my entirely family before I do anything, what they could think or what they could feel. And when other people do not have that consideration when saying or doing something that affects me. It then has to become my job to inform them who all their being inconsiderate is affecting. It is no longer just about me its about everyone in my life. And if that cannot be understood, then they have to politely move themselves along. The last few weeks have been rather difficult because of ripple affects from other people and them not being able to understand it. Its been something that has had a great affect on myself and family, and its been a process trying to put it all back in line, but hopefully if people can begin to have some thoughts about someone other than themselves, it won't be a problem any longer.

In conclusion to all people out there, think before you speak or act, about who and what you're affecting, you never know what kind of damage you could be causing.

Things people should fix lol

1. listen the first time

2. stupidity is not a right its a disease that should be exterminated

3. talking shit, that one should be self explanatory

4. (this is in relation to number 2) if you have a stupidity problem, you will be treated as such

5. if everyday there is some kind of issue find a shrink

6. don't pretend to know everything about everyone (you are not super human no one knows everything)

7. hearing is not the same as listening (I can hear Dora right now that doesn't mean I'm listening to what she's going on about)

8. txting is not the same as verbal communication (I don't care what other people say, its not the same)

9. just because sometimes beer is good, does not mean anyone is a drunk

10. giving space does not mean for a few hours (space mean SPACE)

lol thanks for reading my rant, just something I've noticed recently people need to be educated, if you can think of anymore feel free to leave them in the comments I will gladly add to the list :)

Me, Myself, and all the crap that means :P

There are somethings about me that are difficult to explain and understand even for me. But I am going to try to work through that right now. I am one of those people that wear my heart on my sleeve and every emotion I ever feel is easy to notice, unless you're blind and deaf. Hiding and holding in what I'm feeling has never been something that comes easy. Everything I do or say has some sort of feeling behind it. I can't help it, I love easily, but I can hate someone just as easily. There isn't a lot of room for grey area with me, because that has caused hurt and pain in the past, to avoid the hurt and pain I have a tendency to see things as very black and white. This is hard for people that are close to me to understand, but if I didn't do it like that, I'd be broken even easier. There are times when I can deal with the little things that bother me and try to write them off, but if enough little things happen, they'll ball up into one big thing that can't be held in or ignored any longer. Frustration is something I try to deal with daily, and occasionally I can but there are days when I just can't deal any longer. And sometimes that is just because after all the things I've gone through I would think the issues that cause the frustration wouldn't happen (at least not often). And when they continue to happen, its a combination of hurt, anger, sadness and disappointment, that is hard to express. I talk about what's bothering me quite a bit, sometimes to a point it makes those close to me crazy, but if I didn't I wouldn't be able to work through my emotions they would just be constantly there like they have their own pulse. I admit to occasionally blowing things out of proportion, not trying to make excuses for it, but it's that old saying shit rolls down hill, and when the shit keeps piling up one thing after another its hard to not have one little thing be the breaking point. I don't talk to a lot of people, because I don't like to tick people off, and lots of people have a hard time understanding what I'm talking about. And the thought of being judged and picked apart by people isn't something I handle very well. Been dealing with a lot of people that are very good at pretending they care but in the end just taking off all together for whatever reason, and there isn't much worse of a feeling than being totally honest with someone and in the end rejected for it. Life is hard enough without that, I left highschool a long time ago, and there by people being so judgmental is just beyond me. Anyway, I've tried to change how I am, but its never an easy thing to do. Progress is slow and difficult and sometimes nonexistent, but the truth is I will keep trying to not allow so many to take the heart that I have and walk all over it, to just hand it back to me mangled and broken.

The man my husband really is (to those that can't seem to get it)

I know I've written about him previously, however I think there are somethings I failed to mention. He is the sweetest person I have ever met, but he has this tendency to want to be everything to everyone all the time. Lots of people probably wouldn't see where this can become difficult, but he is the person that will take everyone's issues and wants into himself and try to fix things that he really can't. When he can't fix it, it begins to affect his personality and emotions. He will do everything he can forever even things that are impossible. He won't ever say when enough is enough, he will keep going until it nearly tears him into pieces. It's not something he likes to admit to anyone even to me, but I can usually see when it starts. There are people out there that don't listen or watch for the signs, and just keep taking advantage of his ability to appear fine regardless of how he's really feeling. Lots of people over the years have thought that every time something happens and it comes to a stop its because of me, to a point I guess they're right, but if I didn't step in the amount of damage could be devastating. People don't hear or see the things that go on when no one is looking, or they just don't want to open their eyes and see what they're really doing. He has the biggest heart of anyone, but he will never show people how hes really feeling or what hes actually thinking. All anyone else will ever see or hear is what he thinks they need or want. In his own way he's trying to help, and he is helping everyone but himself. This is a very difficult thing for me to watch, because I can see through the front he puts up and feel how its affecting him and what is really going on inside. I hate watching him become someone else for other people's benefit, because if it goes on long enough, it all starts to run together. He will do anything for anyone at anytime, but sometimes people need to know when its too much without being told. He will never say it, until he absolutely has to and everything else begins to snowball. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to watch and have to be the one to step in, because he won't say anything and they won't bother to take a second look. Everything he does or say has a reason behind it, occasionally reading between the lines is necessary, there is lots hiding under the surface of the exterior.  He is the best friend and husband I could ever ask for, I love him with my whole heart. Others need to see him for what he is one person with a life and a family, he can't be everyone's everything no matter how hard he tries. And the more you ask for the more he'll try to give until it tears him into pieces. So all of you out there that know someone like this, take it upon yourself to know when to take a step back and do whats best because its right not necessarily because you want to.

Moving on

Sometimes in a marriage, its hard to let things go and move on. Especially when it affects so many things in one way or another. The ripple affect can be worse than whatever caused the first problem. I don't know about anyone else, but for me when something hurts its difficult to not think or talk about it. That in and of its self makes it hard to move past whatever the issue maybe. A few times over the years things have had an impact that's hard to forget and let go of. Many times the only way to move on is to remove whatever is causing the issue entirely and allow time to heal and recover. There are times when it's other people that cause the problem, and when they can't understand the impact of their words or actions and know when to say when, its hard to find that time and space to heal. Because then the emotions have no time to die off and not be so prevalent, how do you tell someone that their presence is causing so much damage, it seems nearly unrecoverable? It's never an easy position to be in, but that is when it has be to weighed against the ripple effect its causing. But when people still don't comprehend what you're trying to tell them, what steps are supposed to be taken? It's nearly impossible to not get angry and lash out at everything, due to the fact that it seems like there is no understanding on anyone's part. It makes it look like the pain in frustration is never going to end, how many things do you have to do and say for things to be understood? It's hard to know when to move on and try to let the pain go when things are so fresh. There is no easy way to go when open wounds haven't healed and it feels like everything is crashing. Trying to rebuild and realign is never easy. I guess the only thing that can be done is to move on a step at a time, and try to fix the damage that's been done. Healing everything little by little til the only thing left is a small scar, as a reminder for the work and the strength that's been shown. Look at what you have and see what's important, and walk forward hand in hand together. No matter how hard it is or may seem, you can't ever give up hope in the ones you love.

One day at a time

Life. It has its times when its a struggle, and then times when it looks like nothing could be better. Sometimes its harder to look at the good times because the bad times have a stronger affect. I have been though rough times that make me wonder what the point is, and sometimes they can still be sore spots. So my new goal in life is to take what I learn from those times and turn them into positive experiences. Even if things hurt, if you look hard enough you can find something to learn from. Its not always easy to look for the lessons, but that's when you need to take a step back and take stock of what's important.

Life throws you things that you aren't prepared for, and the best thing you can do is take it a day at a time. There are times when for me looking too far in the future is overwhelming, because there is no way to know if you're going to make it through all of the things that are going on. But if I change my perspective and take it a day at a time, next thing I know more time has passed than I though, and everything is still in one piece. Its not always the easiest thing to do, but taking sometime to think seems to help.

If life was easy all the time would the good times mean as much? Anything in life worth while is going to take work, and its not going to be a walk though the park. However, if it was always simple it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. I have met people in many different situations and sometimes have wondered afterwards what the hell I was thinking, but then when I meet someone that surprises me and makes me smile it makes all the idiots worth while. Kinda like that Rascal Flatts song says "Bless this broken road that lead me straight to you." Never heard a truer thing be said.

Things in life will get you down but you have to pick yourself up and try again and again.

No more Pushovers here!

As I've gotten older, I have come to realize a few things, it is alright to be yourself and not conform to the people around you, and just because people don't always like you for whatever reason doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

I've always been one of those pleaser types. I wanted everyone to like me and when they didn't I would blame myself. What could I have done to not have that happen. It took me almost my entire life to realize if someone doesn't like me it doesn't mean I'm unlikeable or there's something wrong with me. I used to try to be whatever someone else wanted me to be, and I never really felt like I was "myself". It was a hard habit to break. I was really good at becoming the doormat because of that. I would let people use me to drive them around, or for money, or whatever. And I thought it would make them like me more. But what it really did was make it easier for people to use me to their advantage.

There were times when I would go out of my way to do something for someone else, and never really look at what I was doing. As the years went by I would look back and go "holy crap I cannot believe I didn't see that" they were just my "friend" for the things I had. Now I didn't always have a lot but I was always willing to let people use or have whatever they needed. I would give they would take, but when it came time for me to need help, or just someone to be there for me, people were either too busy, or just plain didn't care.

I finally had to grow a back bone, and not to sound like one of those lovely "B" words, but I had to say no, and when someone would say something stupid, give a polite "up yours" in return. I will not be walked on anymore, and if its something that I can do I will help, but if its something that in the end will put me in an iffy position you can go find another pushover sucker. I will fully admit to be a little jaded now, but there will be no more taking advantage of me, I am a grown up in every sense of the word. And if you can't grow up it is not my job to be your "parent".

Not a long one, but I needed to vent a little :)

The intimacy

So I guess I'm going to hit on an little bit R rated topic today. Be prepared, this could be interesting. I was thinking about sex after children, and about how different it is prior to the bundles of joy arriving. There were times when we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and wouldn't even make it out of the driveway. Still makes me smile to think about that. But anymore, we're lucky to find the time and energy to even make an attempt at it. It was hard even being pregnant, I've read that lots of women, gain a bigger sex drive. I was not one of those, I felt like someone else had taken over my body, I was round and everything felt foreign. It didn't turn me on it made me feel like a leper. Don't get me wrong I still had a sex drive, but only when I was alone, the thought of anyone touching me made me want to cry.

It's been a constant process adjusting to the changes in my body, permanent and temporary over the years, and trying to find a balance between time with the kids, and time with each other. It's one of those things your very naive about until you're actually going through it. Initially I never really thought we would have issues in that department, because everything came so naturally. But the more years we've been together, the more unique ways we have to find to keep it "fresh". The excitement of a new relationship fades, and sometimes you fall into a routine. And sad to say one of the first things that starts to go is the sex and intimacy. Adjusting to new roles, makes it easy to forget other needs.

At first when he would try to talk to me about how he was feeling, I would get so upset that it would just turn into a fight. It got to the point the mention of anything sexual caused frustration on every ones part. For a while we just quit trying. We didn't want to fight, so we just let it sit there on the back burner. Thinking that eventually it would fix it's self. It took a lot of reflection to realize that that wasn't happening.

Finally we had to sit down and have a long talk about what it was that was holding everything back, it took days, to get through it all. Then it was like having to start from scratch, holding hands, actually hugging each other without rushing through it. Slow gentle kisses, a soft caress, just taking it one step at a time to reignite the attraction and the passion that had been lying dormant for so long. There are times when you need to approach subjects that make you feel vulnerable, or sad, and be willing to leave yourself open to criticism on all sides. Just to start the process of fixing it all.  Now one look and one touch and the heat starts to rise, and I can say we finally made it back to where we needed to be. But if we hadn't put all the hurt and frustration out on the table, we probably wouldn't be where we are today.

Once you add sex into a relationship, it becomes something that needs to be maintained and appreciated, just like anything else. After its there is something that is as much a need as talking, it is not something you can just take away and not expect repercussions. Sex can't be everything in a relationship, but it also can't be erased from it, without taking away something that is of great value to it.

Clearing a spot for myself in this world

It's kind of funny to think about when I started blogging that I assumed no one would read it or relate to it. And I have never been so happy to be wrong in my life. There are way more people out there that think and understand things like I do. It makes it seem like I'm not always just writing for myself but for someone else also.

I never try to put up a front or be something I'm not (much to some people's dismay). It has worked for me thus far I'm still alive and so are my beautiful children. Sometimes it's hard finding people in this world to relate to, that won't judge or be two faced, but when you find those few people (whether on line or in person) it can be one of the most inspiring moments in your life. I have never been one of those people that things come easy for, everything has come with a lot of work and some very strong life lessons (the good bad and ugly). Having people be able to read something that came from my heart and soul, and not twist it into something, but instead take it and appreciate it is beyond gratifying.

I am not trying to change the world, just make my little world a little brighter and easier to understand (sometimes for myself more than anyone). For me everything makes more sense when its written down, you can take it and understand how you feel, and maybe it might be a little surprising.

I've tried to stay away from writing about things that are, for lack of a better term, graphic. I don't want the shock value that comes with that (sometimes I get that enough in person). Not everything is an open book, I would like to get to that point but I'm not ready for that yet. Revealing things a little at a time seems to be an easier and less scary way to go. By no means am I saying that it doesn't frustrate me that people I thought would understand me just don't, or that the ones I expected to be there aren't. But occasionally an individual has to find their own way and their own voice in this world full of other peoples opinions and drama.

I used to really get upset if someone didn't like what I had to say, or got mad at me, but I've learned being someone I'm not isn't going to help. I am what I say I am and that's all that I am (thanks Popeye for that one). Take me and what I have to say, and appreciate me as an individual or don't it's up to you. But I will still write and live my life the way I see fit. Even with the pitfalls and heartbreak. I will not be someone I'm not for anyone else benefit. But I thank everyone that has been there for me when I needed them without judgment or accusations I am just trying to make a space for myself in this world, one thought or action at a time. So far I think I'm making great progress.     :)

My Mom

I know mother's day is coming up so I thought I would talk about mine a little bit. My mom is something all her own, sometimes we fight like cats and dogs and go days without talking when we're mad at each other, but I know if I'm in a pinch my mom will always find a way to pull through.

Sometimes she's hard headed and doesn't listen (I hate to admit it but I guess I come by it naturally) and there by occasionally misses the point of what I'm saying. I have grown to understand why she is the way she is over the years. She can be my best friend and worst enemy, but regardless of the things I've done she is always there (when she can find her phone anyway).

Over all she is a great person that will give you the shirt off her back when you need it (and I mean that figuratively and literally). She has taken my son on vacation with her when I've been broken, so I wouldn't have to find someone to come help me. There have been times where she has gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to just about anything. She doesn't always get the credit she deserves, and she will only inform you of that fact occasionally.

I try to stick up for her whenever I can regardless of the consequences because she deserves at least that. I would do anything to make her happy til this day, and sometimes I might fall short of that goal, but I try my best. I've learned a lot of things from her, how to cook, clean, be a mom, and try not to let life drag you down. There is always a light you just have to know where to look for it. She is amazing for the things she has gone through and still is going though, and I love her with all my heart and wouldn't change her for the world. I love you mom Happy Mother's Day! Without you I would be lost beyond understanding.

I've made a decision.

I have come to the decision that I can not to help people that don't want to be helped. There have been many nights where I had a hard time sleeping trying to come up with fixes to problems, I know in the end no one will try to fix. It has been slowly driving me crazy. The things that go on sometimes bother me to the point of making me ill, but if they don't bother other people enough to find a way out of said situation, then what can I do?

I can't save someone that doesn't think they need saving, the only people I can save are myself and my family. So I have decided that is what I am doing. I have pulled myself out of a stressful situation, and some of the consequences might bother me, but I know when you have to say enough. No child should have to watch they're parents get upset and stressed out over things that are out of their control. I will not take other people's burdens as my own. All it has ever done is put stress on my family, and my marriage. Some people don't think that a child will understand when something goes on in a house whether negative or positive, but in the end they notice way more than any one realizes.

My children and my husband are the most important people in my life, and they deserve to have me at my best. And I can not be totally there for them when I am consumed by other peoples issues. I have tried to find a way to balance my family's and everyone else problems, but in the end I get consumed by fixing everyone elses issues cause their problems seem to be worse and bigger than mine. But there by my problems get bigger, and are no longer simple fixes.

I will no longer be the cheer leader on the sideline of everyone elses crap, I'm tired of saying "go go you can do it, it'll be fine, you can do it" and having it not really mean anything. Nothing will change no effort will be made, so what exactly am I cheering for? I will not feel bad for something that is not my fault. I will not take it upon myself to fix everyone else, and allow myself to fall apart.

I will not feel bad that my problems aren't as big as someone elses so they don't matter. Feeling bad for how I feel, or what I think is no longer an option. I am an individual and am allowed to do that, and not feel bad because someone else doesn't like it. There is no more feeling guilty for things that I can not control or fix. Just because my problems aren't off the charts crazy does not mean they're not bothering me, and being told how much worse, or how the same somebody elses are, makes me ill-legitimized. And I will no longer put up with that.

I do not enjoy being compared and picked apart, and I will no longer pretend like it doesn't bother me. I deserve the same respect I give to others. And until that day, I am going to concentrate on what my family and I need without feeling bad about it. They are my life, and who need me the most, and sometimes you just have to know when to say when.

Favorite Quotes From my son

My son is great, he comes up with the most insane things to say sometimes....

To our doctor today while hiding under the table "I'm shy I don't want to talk to you"
and "I know that color but you can tell me what it is" and when the doctor let him look in his mouth with the little light things he said "you have guckies on your tongue."

The new things to say when he likes something "that is cooler than cat poop on a shower curtain". I don't know who's cat poops on a shower curtain but apparently its pretty cool.

"I love you more than poopie doopie in a box" well that's great I'm glad I rate above poop in a box.

My husband and I were doing some research on where we're from and talking about Ireland and our son piped up and said "Johnny Jones is from Ireland, Ireland is in the south north west of north america. See he lives in that white house on the corner with the black insides" I never knew somebody could be in so many places or who the heck Johnny Jones is.

I was bra shopping on the internet and here he comes around the corner "stop mom, I have to pick one of those girls to be my girlfriend. And it has to be the hottest one so I can bring her home to marry her".

He told my husband that he "played with Slayer twenty years ago and they were rocking".

He found something that we bought when we first started dating ( I can't remember what it was) and he said "I bought that for you guys 7 years ago." I guess time travel has happened the rest of us must have missed the memo.

"mom sissy is cutesy wootsie dootsie isn't she, but sometimes she smells like lots of poop."

There are plenty more where these came from so just stay tuned!

Making sacrifices

Well we sold our car today to pay some bills. It will suck to be without a car again, but I will give up anything in order to keep us a float and make sure my kids are taken care of. It hasn't been easy, and nothing is as simple as it seems, but in the end at least we can say we're doing the best we can. I haven't given up the battle for survival and don't plan to.

It seems like things always fall apart at the same time, but some how we can find a solution. The decisions we're forced to make as grown ups and parents aren't always easy, but its the ability to make them that counts. I hate not having a car, but I would have really hated giving up my home. Sometimes it's hard to believe how quickly things can spiral out of control. One minute you just need a little help, and the next you're so far behind, catching up seems nearly impossible.

One problem I've always had is second guessing my own decisions, and letting other people's thoughts and opinions run my own household. I've finally made it to the point that I can say, I know what's best for my family, even if not everyone thinks like I do. In the end its my decision not anyone elses, they won't have to live with the consequences. I'm not saying that everyone has to agree with me or approve. Just respect my decisions and when I need someone to talk to don't preach to me, just let me have an ear to vent to or a shoulder to cry on. Just because it's not the way you would have done something does not make it wrong it just makes it different. And in the end the differences are what make life interesting, and lets everyone blaze their own trail and learn from the own mistakes and decisions.

Somethings you might see as extremely important when looked at in a different light just don't look the same. Take the time to really look at something before deciding how important it really is.

Well thanks for the guilt trip but...

Well today was pretty good, until the people I assumed would support me, knocked me down and tried to make me feel bad for the things I've written. I deleted one of my posts, however I am not sorry I wrote it. Yes it affected more than just me, but I can't pretend it didn't anymore. And if they want to go on pretending like it was never "that" bad then leave me out of it and let me be. Sometimes you have to help others by first helping yourself, and I knew no one would ever broach the topic. So I did. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't to make everyone look bad, or to hang out anyone's dirty laundry.

I have made it to the point, I can't pretend things from my past haven't affected how I am as a person. Or how I feel towards people in my life. This blog is for me to talk about how I feel about things and how they effected ME. I know people won't always like it, and if you don't then by all means by pass it and move on. I have tried and tried over the years to help and you know pretending and ignoring things doesn't help. There have been times when in a bad situation I have tried to divert attention to me to take it off of who was catching the brunt of it, and it never helped. But I tried, and the fact nothing has changed should prove that what everyone else is doing isn't working. Being afraid someone will find out something that they didn't know previously is ridiculace, in this family most of the issues we've had is far far from a secret. The only thing is that no one says anything, but that does not mean people are not aware of the situation.

I needed to open up for myself, to ease some of the pain, not just numb it. Maybe something good could have come out of it and we could have all had a support system, but you took almost any chance of that away. I am tired of being turned into the bad guy, I DIDN'T do anything WRONG! Just because you don't understand or wouldn't approach it in the way I did does NOT make it wrong. My family means everything to me, but if things I've gone through and things I've felt are too much for you to handle, I am not sorry, I didn't do it to myself, so please try to understand. Nothing I write or say is to make you mad or look bad, its just the truth and how I have perceived things over the years. Maybe we could try to fix it together instead of just trying to chew me up spit me and out and make me feel guilty about how I feel.

I love my family more than anything but I want us to be close again, and the things that go on don't make that possible. And how I feel should be understood, not taken as a personal attack. Please understand I did this to release things that have been brewing for years. Come to an understanding, think before you decide that everything I say was against you.

Famous Quotes from my Husband

Famous quotes from my husband:

"I don't know how you do this everyday, I'd have to poop in the corner just to change the scenery."
(thanks for that babe, good grief lol )

"are you sure you're done cleaning for the day"
(only if you've finished abandoning your clothes and dishes)

"Well, I think its time to get naked"
(honey sorry its noon, and the kids are climbing on me encase you didn't notice)

"Where are the kids?)
(its ten if they're not in bed, they probably ran away, or crawled)

"Hobo beer to the rescue"
(just how I wanted it in a brown bag, like something off of National Lampoons vacation)

"I thought about getting you something at the store today, but then I forgot"
(how the heck does that work?)

"Its whatever"
(what the heck does this mean)

"I love you in your face"
(I don't know if I find this funny or disturbing)

"Why do the kids make that sound"
(if I knew they wouldn't be making that sound)


I can't think of anymore right now but I promise more will be added so keep checking if you liked these one I promise more to follow!

Life and all that comes with it..

I never really thought my life would turn out this way. I had a hard time picturing myself as a mother let alone one that stays at home. I thought I would go to college, get a career started and get married, and see where life took me. But my plan and universe's plan were totally different. I graduated high school, and went off to college, with my now husband starting college with me. The summer after our first year we got married and then pregnant with our first child in the fall. So college got put on (and still is) the back burner.

We went through ups and downs during our first year of marriage, it was a lot to handle. We took a break for a while, not really knowing if we could fix it and move on. Eventually we got everything back together and spent a lot of time mending our relationship. It was hard to just get back into the swing of things as a married couple, while living with my parents and not having any space to call our own. Everyone deciding to give their opinion and get in the middle of our problems didn't help. We moved into the first place we could afford and thought everything would fall into place. It didn't.

I got a promotion at the job I have been working at for nearly a year, and in the same token he got laid off. And then the car died, and it was like no matter what something would happen to hinder progress. Almost 8 months go by of struggling and scraping to get enough to pay the bills. Finally a light came and my husband got hired by his current company. Things were looking good, and then at the beginning of summer, I broke my ankle. So I was out of work, and we found out we were expecting our second child. We ended up back at my parents house, and everyone was constantly on edge waiting for the next bomb to drop. 

Life has taken turns I have never expected, people can surprise you more than you know. My husband is finally making it somewhere in his job, and we'll my "job" is a constant battle. Sometimes it might be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel while always waiting for the bottom to drop out. I love where we live now, and its nice to have a place to call our own, but its getting harder and harder to make it out there. Money is tight and its hard to decide what we need to sacrifice. But I will never give up on this life, no matter how hard or hopeless it seems sometimes. I just have to keep looking for that bright spot, and keep the hope alive.

How to decide whats a want and whats a need???

Its been been difficult lately to find a way to cut costs for raising prices on everything. Finding a balance between needs and wants has not been an easy process. Especially with spring here and summer right around the corner. There just never seems to be an easy solution to financial problems. Where to cut costs is a hard decision to make, we've been trying to eat healthier, but for some reason all the healthier food costs twice as much. We've come to the decision to start selling everything we don't "need" to try to make ends meet. That alone doesn't come without consequences. Sometimes it just feels like a never ending battle.

 I would like to make it to the point that we can pay all the bills on time, and not have to worry about making it to the next pay check. That possibility seems to be a ways off though. In order to make it my husband has to work almost thirty hours of over time during a pay period, and this time of years any over time is hard to come by. The kids are always taken care of and at least have what they need, but its hard to always have to tell them no to things they want. I never was ready to be in this position and its a hard pill to swallow.  There is supposed to be some relief at the end of summer, when the next raise is supposed to go into affect, but its getting to the end that's the problem.

Everything seems to be building up and getting to a breaking point, and there just isn't anywhere to turn. Everyone is struggling, and its just not an easy time, but finding some solutions is a way more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Eventually everything works out like it should, but how, where, why, when? How much more needs to be sacrificed? I wish I could find answers to my own questions. Just need some relief from the stress and feelings of dread and doubt that seem to linger.

Finding an Understanding

It's hard for me sometimes to write about emotional things that aren't easy to laugh at. It touches me in places that don't like to be touched. Emotions come to the surface that I try to hide, but I have learned if I don't work through and try to understand the things I've been though they begin to eat away at my soul. Life isn't all flowers and smiles, it has pain and hurt, and everything in between.

One thing I've learned is that some things that you don't think affect you have a profound impact on the way you do things. I walk on egg shells even when I don't have to out of habit not necessity. But you know I have been able to understand that not everyone is waiting for a fight, or to say something obnoxious. There are people that care and are willing to help you through things and want you for you. Its just knowing when you found that person don't always expect it to be people, sometimes its just one person that will go through it all with you without a problem. Don't take them fore granted.

I found my partner in everything through tough times and good times. We put each other through some things neither one of us deserved, but in the end its what you bring to a relationship not just what you get out of it. I know that this might be read is kinda random, but I know now who is there for me through thick and thin and who is only there when times are good, and they can get something out of you. I love my life and my husband. All of it might frustrate me once in a while, but nothing good ever came without hard work and hurdles to jump. Just do it with class and style, one step at a time. Don't expect it to be perfect all the time, just be prepared to only take out what you put in. So put in everything you want to get back, but only to someone that deserves it.

You know you're a parent when...

You know you're a parent when...


1. 8:30 am is sleeping in....

2. When you take a bath you have to fish the toys out before you run the tub.

3. You know all the lines to all the nick jr. tv shows...

4. None of the locks work, for fear someone will get stuck in them

5. Where there was beer, now there are juice boxes

6. All your dishes are plastic to avoid shattering

7. Going out to dinner with the family, means drive through, and happy meal toys

8. Your flowerbeds/ garden, become a sand box

9. It takes 45 minutes to get into the driveway to leave

10. going to the store is like going to the races, the quickest one out with a child still happy wins.

There are plenty more ways to tell, stretch marks, toys everywhere, and finding random things stuffed in behind and around the furniture. All of it is a sign that your children exist, but at least you know they love you , you love them, and everyone can see the fun and humor in everyday life. My kids might stress me out and have changed my life beyond measure, but they are the greatest thing to ever happen to me in more ways than I can count. (now I have to stop, to try to get one to take a nap and stop sneaking the toys into bed with him)

People and Drama

One thing I have tried to do is not write about things I don't have a lot of experience in. I have had way more experiences than I care to admit to, good, bad, and ugly. I have had people that I thought were close friends fall off the map, for reasons beyond me. I have had close friends turn into sales people, as in that's the only reason they talk to me anymore is to try to get me to sign up for or sell something. Its gotten severely frustrating. When I do see people the question always it "what are you doing now?". And when I say well I stay at home with the kids, the common response is "wow must be nice to have enough money to do that." Why because I stay home does that mean I am loaded? I am far from it! I am lucky if I can get all the bills paid in a single month without cutting out essential things, like groceries or clothes for the kids. I haven't bought a new pair of shoes for myself in almost three years. It frustrates me that I have to explain how I can afford to stay home. I don't ask you how can you afford to drive all over kingdom come and go out to do all these extra things and still live. I don't go do anything and you wonder how I can afford to stay home???

I have had lots of judgment placed on me for things that have happened over the years. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends, mostly because girls are dramatic, and most guys aren't. But just because I have male friends, does not mean I am secretly sleeping with them. A lot of the time when I have had a hoard of girl friends, nothing is a secret, and everybody seems to know everything. Secrets have been a foreign concept to most. It at one point got to the extent that I wouldn't talk about anything going on for fear of judgment not understanding or input, just lots and lots of judgment. I tried very hard to keep things to myself.

When I worked the whole place was a giant rumor mill, from regular customers, coworkers, management, and whoever, always seemed to know everything, even things that you didn't know were going on. Every time I talked to someone this giant mess of crap would "come out" and I would be given the third degree by any and everyone. Even if none of it was true, it would just be me in denial. I would hope I would know whats going on in my life, but apparently everyone else has always known better than I did. When did personal start meaning public?

I guess I am just feeling frustrated with humanity, I could write a book about everyone elses bull crap I have heard over the years, but unlike some I know when it's not my job to judge, or advertise people's skeletons, eventually they will do a fine job of that on their own.

People will always thrive on the drama, that is why I have learned to keep my drama to myself! (well for the most part anyway ) :)

A formal lesson in frustration when shopping with children

I remember before I had kids seeing people in the store with kids screaming, crying, and running all over the place, and I used to think "wow why isn't that kid's parent doing anything about that?". Then I had kids, I have been to the store, and stared in horror as my son threw himself on the floor and flailed around, over wanting one of the TV carts. Or found things in the cart as we were leaving that he had decided he wanted and put in front of cart with him (not a normal cart, but the one with the little car at the end). I have seen and been through every fit and tantrum possible, not to mention multiple trips to the bathroom (sometimes finding my cart gone and had to start all over again). I've gotten those looks from strangers that seem to say "why aren't you handling that?", or from the ones that can relate its the "oh god I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad that's not me" (I'm guilty of that one too).

Sometimes I see those moms or dads walking though the store with kids younger than my oldest, walking nicely next to the cart not saying or touching anything. It makes me want to run up and ask how they get them to do that. I figured out really quickly that what I used to think was bad parenting isn't always the case, sometimes as a parent in the store you become at a loss as to how to handle it without leaving and coming back at midnight without the children. I have been so embarrassed over my son's tantrums, and my girl's fitting from not wanting to be in the seat that I didn't think I could make it down two aisles. Nothing is more uncomfortable than having people stare at your children like they're possessed. I thought about telling this one old lady "oh don't worry its a side affect" just to get her to stop shaking her head at me. I have to admit that sometimes I get a little bit of enjoyment watching someone else dealing with a tantrum, because then for once its not my kids.

I will give the kids a little bit of credit though, sometimes its funny to get the people staring because they're singing a silly song really loud. Or make those insane happy sounds that could break glass. I find it funny, because I know its not a fit so I smile, sing and dance along. With the stares of complete strangers and looks of confusion following me down the aisle. Little do they know with in the next four aisles my smiling and singing will turn into looks of terror and petrification as the singing turns into loud begging and escape attempts.

Not the Stereotypical Stay-at-home Mother

So I got to thinking today about some of the stereotypical, stay at home mom things, and realized, I really don't fit the stereo type. I might stay at home, but I am not any good at baking. I hate to dust, and I really wish I got paid better for the things I clean out of my bathroom. Being a stay at home mom might have its perks but it has some serious pitfalls too. There is no calling in sick or playing hooky you are always on duty. Even though I'm home all the time my house is not immaculately clean or organized, I don't keep my kids on a strict schedule (when I tried that all it did was frustrate us all), When they're hungry I let them have a snack. Bribery is not a foreign concept, when I need ten minutes of peace and quiet, and sometimes toys get "lost" when I clean the playroom. I will admit to getting into a full out screaming match with my 4 year old, (I don't win those very often). And sometimes the TV is my best friend.

Everyone needs that time to disconnect from their "profession", my profession just happens to be something I can't just unplug from. I have done some things that  aren't recommended in those parenting books, or those nanny shows, but my kids are well taken care of and don't seem to be suffering any worse for it. I've been called a mean mommy by my son when I have taken away his favorite toy as punishment for doing something wrong. But then when I let him have ice cream or cookies right after cereal, so I can at least get the floor vacuumed I am the best mom ever.

Oh and watch out I took him to an appointment and the nurse said my son was overweight and I didn't panic or freak out. He is FOUR not fourteen, his favorite foods are carrots and celery (seriously, not even with dressing or dip), and when he stands up straight and lifts his arms up his ribs stick out. What to they expect me to do, make all our lives miserable, because he isn't pencil thin and banned from ALL snacks?

Homemaker might be my profession, but that does not mean I have to do it the way everyone else thinks it should be done. We have fun, and yes we argue, and sometimes the house is a wreck, and sometimes I'd rather order takeout than dirty one more dish for the hundredth time, but there is no reason to look at me like I'm killing my child, I promise he might start fitting now, but when I give in to the next demand all will be right with his world.

10 things you don't say to your wife (unless you like the couch)

To all the husbands out there these are the things that will get you banished to the couch:

1. Do you need new razor blades or something?

2. Whats the matter have you started your period.

3. Is that supposed to fit like that?

4. So what is your thought on boob jobs?

5. That looked different before the kids.

6. You're in decent shape for having two little ones.

7. You a lot like youre mom.

8. Thats not how my mom did it.

9. Honey is that really how you're going to make that?

10. I heard kegels would help with that.

I figured if we were doing one for the girls we should do one for the guys. A sense of humor is an amazing thing. :)

10 things not to say to your Husband before bed.

Things not to say to your husband at night:

1. Why do you smell like a sweaty crotch covered in cow poo?

2. Remember when you used to look like that?

3. You don't need that snack cake. How bout a carrot.

4. So that's what a chicken gizzard looks like.

5. Have they always hung that low?

6. Don't forget to put your contacts in, no excuses for using the wrong entry.

7. Have you really always been this hairy?

8. You should get that looked at.

9. Those underwear have a blast pattern.

10. Some woman saw you hanging out of your fly, Did she laugh?

I just couldn't help this one we had a good time coming up with variations on things I've said to him over the years, we all could use a good laugh once in a while.

My "four" kids

Sometimes men amaze me to no end, well at least mine anyway. One thing that I have never understood is his ability to tone everything out and ignore it all. If I have a kid screaming in my ear my first reaction to the shrill is my ears fall off, then I try to stop it asap so I can put them back on. With him it's like he doesn't have any ears at all, except when he compensates by turning the volume up on the tv or computer, then it just makes me think hes actually deaf. Another thing that I just do get is how he can see a piece of trash on the floor and instead of putting in the TRASH CAN, either stuffs it in his pocket, behind the couch or in the cushions. So when I look for something in the couch I find enough snack wrappers to wall paper the house.

I guess men just think different, one of those out of sight out of mind moments. He leaves just as big a trail in the morning as the kids do ( I really think he believes the cleaning fairies show up and pick it up). I think one of my favorites is the questions like "where is the toilet paper" like I hide it in some obscure location or something. It makes me giggle though when he starts whistling from the bathroom to get my attention and ask for a towel (our towel cabinet is IN the bathroom). The other task that makes me a little crazy is loading the dishwasher not that he won't do it, its just that he thinks its a miracle worker pre-washing isn't always in his agenda so my agenda is always rechecking the "clean" dishes for food chucks and starting all over again.

Don't get me wrong, he tries really hard to help sometimes, and I appreciate it when he does it without me asking or begging more than anything. Just the way he goes about some things fathoms me. Adding ten extra steps to simple tasks that make them take ten times as long, and then ask why it takes so long. He hates cleaning the bathroom, because there really isn't a way to skip parts without me noticing.

There are those days when I feel like I have four kids (2 actual kids, one dog, and a husband), each leaves a trail of junk from one end of the house to the other. I can tell where everyone has started and finished their morning, starting with the trail of clothes, then cereal bowls, cups, food left out, toothbrushes all over the counter, towels, papers, and whatever else was needed. It's frustrating having to be everyone's mother and alarm clock, I think some of this needs to be added to pre-nups, vows, and marriage licenses. All I can really say is nothing will prepare you entirely for marriage and children, but I will firmly recommend at least staying with your significant other before you get married, so the surprises aren't as shocking. There is a lot more to it than just playing house.

Just as an added note I will give him some credit he takes everything I write in stride, and give his in put before and after posting. At least he doesn't mind being my inspiration either in examples of frustration or happiness!

My rambling

I don't want to act like everyone should know my opinion on everything, or get enjoyment out of my ranting and complaining. That is by no means my goal, I just try to write about things that are important to me in hopes someone out there can relate. I know what its like to feel stuck in my own world, and feel as if no one understands how I feel. I hope by doing this when I can find the time, it allows me to reach someone and let them know they aren't the only ones that feel that way. People that don't have kids, probably won't be able to relate to a lot of things I write about, however maybe they'll get an insight into parenthood. I throw the occasional random list or political opinion in there just to spice it up some, and get the blood flowing so to speak. Because I know if I just wrote about what I did all day like a diary, you would be bored to tears. I know I would be. At least this gives me a hobby that gives me enjoyment and the possibility of fulfillment. I am open to suggestions about topics, or thoughts if you have a question I am willing to give you an answer, we'll at least my answer. This is me just kind of rambling on but as an added note my husband has made a page for the blog, "The opinions of the lonely housewife" is the page name also so no one has to search randomly for it. Feel free to let me know what you think or feel or would like to talk about! Thanks everyone!

Losing my mind at home

I don't always like being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel as if its more stressful than a regular job. At least with a 9 to 5 you can leave work at work (most of the time). With staying at home its just always there 24 hours a day. It can get mind numbing, doing the same thing over and over again everyday. I thought about going back to work, but financially it didn't make sense. I know that sounds crazy, but with the price of day care for 2 kids 8 hours a day swing shift, and gas in the car it would cost me more to work than I would get paid. I love my kids and they can be tons of fun, sometimes though just feeling constantly at everyone's beck and call starts to make me crazy. Its hard to find time for myself in this situation, but I need it so bad sometimes just to rein in the insanity and make it manageable.

Guilt starts to creep up on me sometimes. I know there are a lot of people out there that would give anything to stay at home with their kids and spend time with them, and here I am thinking about how crazy it makes me sometimes. But then again some people get date night, no kids just each other, time to reconnect. I am not one of those lucky ones. My reconnect time is between 11pm and 1am when the kids are sleeping, and its cut short by the need for sleep. Then in the morning it all starts over again, kids get breakfast, start picking up the mess from the night before, laundry, cleaning up everyone's nasty leave behinds in the bathroom, vacuum, scrub, wash, rotate, over and over again. It just seems like a never ending battle.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, well then I am insane. That's what I do every single day. No holidays, no weekends off, no vacation, no raise, not a lot of appreciation. Everything is expected or assumed, I am here so it should be done, and occasionally I feel the same way. Other times I think I'm only one person how can I do it all by myself all the time. I've learned that if I let things go and "take it easy" and relax through the day I will pay for it later. What I didn't do will be twice as bad as it was before, because no one else will be here to assist. I don't know what to do to ease the frustration. I've tried to change up the routine, that only gets so far, I still have to do all the same things regardless of order, and then I learned why I do it in the same order all the time (no point in cleaning something to dirty another). Who do you ask for help when there is no one available? Where do you turn, when you know you're losing your mind?

I miss looking forward to time off. Goals to reach, like a promotion or a raise. Something to show for my hard work, something to strive for, besides a clean house. Where are the signs of progress? The thank you for all you do, just the forward progression. Basically being my own boss might sound great, but you can't give yourself a thank you and have it mean diddly. 

Finding time with my husband....will it happen?

It has been a long couple weeks. My husband and I have been having a hard time seeing eye to eye on much of anything. We don't usually fight much so I'm not sure how to deal with this, its just seems to be a lot of drama, and some very intense emotions. This is when I know we need some time together alone with out the kids away from the house and everything else. Its just finding the time to take the time to have the time alone together. Which is just as difficult and confusing as it sounds. Every couple needs that time to be alone together to reconnect. What do you do when there aren't people to call on when you need a break from everything? or When you call to say that you need some time the only thing given is a speech about why they need a break and then it makes you feel guilty for even mentioning it. Then in the same breath not only do we not get a break together, but he gets one with work and I get stuck by myself for an even longer amount of time. So that has added to our frustration as a couple, now he gets away and I don't, and to be honest it makes me angry and jealous. There is no way to tell when my break will come (if ever) and here he gets almost three days of time with grown ups and no kids. It seems to be just eating away at me. I just want the time to be an adult, and feel like something more than a mother and housekeeper. I know its not fair for me to be anything but happy for him but its hard to be happy when you see something you want and need so bad being given to someone else without question. I love him more than anything, but I am still human, and its hard to remain neutral all the time. When is "our" time together coming? Will that ever be able to be a priority? Hopefully sometime our time will come but sooner rather than later would be great, I'm having a hard time dealing with the same thing all the time everyday.

Professions I never thought I would enter

There are some things I never thought I would have to be when I became a parent. At first you think of yourself as a mother, then the more you think about it the more you realize that you could actually qualify for a few more positions. Here's a few that I have had to become over the last five years:

1. nurse; am I now qualified to fix any boo boo, clear up any sore tummies, or anything else that requires a bandage, or a nice cold glass of ginger ale.

2. referee; I don't know how many times I wished I had a whistle, as I'm yelling over the madness, for everyone to get back to their corners.

3. chef; trying to make something out of the three things left in the freezer might seem easy, but you have to make it look like its edible, its amazing what pasta sauce and cheese will do to almost anything.

4. inventor; I can't count the amount of times I have had to attach rubber bands to some sort of spoon or spatula to make a catapult device, and then try to fashion it into a multi-functional air born contraption.

5. superhero assistant; I am the maker of capes, masks, vehicles, and walkie talkies to assist in the saving of the town in my living room.

6. anatomy professor; am the new found expert at explaining why girls, go potty sitting down. Also, at the differences between a woman's breasts, and someone on tvs "furry man boobs".

7. scientist, finding the right combination of cleaners and scrub brushes that remove stains from counter tops stoves, cupboards, shirts, pants, blankets, furniture, carpet, and the almighty stuffed animal.

8. photographer; incessantly trying to get the perfect picture with no tears, boogers, food stains, or marker tattoos. prior to the happy time leaving.

9. rope maker; I can now make a lasso out of anything and occasionally have it actually work. Then I can find the perfect size "cow", or "pig" to chase down and tie up.

10. director of lost and found; I can find anything lost in a two acre area, sometimes just by vacuuming and shifting through the inside of the dust catcher, or by looking in a place I have never used, but seems to be the perfect place for someone pirate treasure.

There are probably a lot more if I really sat and thought about it, but I really think everyone who can think of a list like this should be able to add it to the resume with as many years experience as the children are old. Man I really think that should make you qualified for almost anything. Or at least be able to put in for income from somewhere. Oh lets not forget, slayer of dragons and monsters, pirate, gymnastics coach, dance instructor, bus driver, swimming instructor, bank robber, cop, cowboy, and last but not least the all knowing oracle and fortune teller.

Why I Blog.

I've been trying as of lately to write about things that have meaning to me and make me feel like I'm contributing to something (besides my own insanity). So I thought I would explain why I blog.

Anymore I spend a lot of time at home alone with my kids. Then there are occasions when I just need to vent and get things off of my mind. I have always had a problem with holding things in, and I never was good at keeping a journal. And every once in a while, I just need to get some thoughts or issues off of my chest. Sometimes they're funny and a little bit quirky, and other times they are issues that have been on my mind for a long time. This is a simple outlet, that I can use to reach a lot of people, yet get some feed back and a little release. Occasionally things I choose to write about can make me feel like I went to the store in my underwear, but at the same time once its finally posted the "stage fright" begins to subside.

This might not be the most interesting thing that I've written about, but it gives a little insight into who I am and what I'm about. I try to write about things that are important to me, and I have some first hand knowledge of. I don't like to write about things that I know nothing about, because it makes me feel like a fraud. I'm not going to stand up on a soap box and preach about how I'm right about something and if you don't like it you're just wrong. Everyone has an opinion, not everyone has to like it because its YOUR opinion. Difference are what make life interesting. People might not always like what I have to say or how I approach things, but they don't have to the fact they took the time to read what I have had to say (whether they liked it or not) is enough for me.

How I survived infidelity in my marriage

I didn't really think I would ever want to talk about this. However, its been quite a few years and in a way it made our relationship what it is today. Now it seems like the time to let it all out and get it off of my chest.

My husband and I have been together for almost eight years. Some times it feels like it started just yesterday (we'll when you don't count the kids). It certainly has not been without its trials and tribulations, sometimes the list of difficult things is just way too long to think about. We've both are very hard headed and opininated, which can mean large loud battles over little stupid things. Eventually all the little stupid things turn into big ugly problems than seem nearly impossible to fix.

We go married in the summer, before my 20th birthday, and by the fall I was pregnant with our first child. At first we we're both so excited and couldn't wait for him to get here. Then when the second trimester started it all started to change. We started fighting over everything, and there was no relief in sight. Our friends weren't much help, they moved into where we were staying. It went from me and him living in his grandparents basement, to me him and all of his friends all sleeping and staying in the same room. It finally got to the point that the stress was too much. I went to stay with my mom for a night, I saw it as sometime to regain some composure. He saw it as the end, and I didn't hear or see him for nearly a week.

After that first week, I saw him off and on for small amounts of time. And at first there being someone else didn't even occur to me, until our mutual friends kept asking me who the girl was he was bringing everywhere. At first I just let it go and tried not to think about what he was doing. Then I crossed paths with him when they were together. Before I even had the chance to say something he was denying it, so I yet again tried not to think about it. He started to come see me more and try to work things out a piece at a time.

I moved three hours away with my parents, and we kept in contact by phone until he finally decided where he needed to be. I asked him repeatedly if he had ever done anything with the girl I had seen him with. I heard no for years after, and I never entirely believed it. Fast forward a couple years and we get into this big blow up, and he starts telling me what a horrible person he is. Calling himself a cheater and a horrible excuse for a husband. Then it hit me what he was trying to say, and I was devastated. All that time we spent building up our trust and working through all of it and what in my heart I had always known was true. He'd cheated on me.

Then the now what began, do I leave, do I try again to build it up from scratch and start over one more time. I really didn't know if I could do it again. I felt like I had been betrayed twice, and I didn't know if I wanted to risk getting hurt, or finding out there was other things that would come out later. Our son at the time was almost two and the thought of tearing his world apart killed me, and as much as it had hurt finding my worst fear confirmed, I wasn't ready to call it quits. I'd spent the better part of my life in this marriage and had been through way to much to not give it one more shot. And that is one decision I have never regretted.

It wasn't easy, especially with the kind of profession he's in, it involves a lot of travel and can mean lots of time away from home. I started checking his phone, email, and whatever else I could think of that would give him access to anyone else but me. We would sit down and talk about how we felt about what had happened at least a few times a month, the tears would come from both of us, and the rebuilding had begun. One brick at a time, I started to let it go and allow the trust to come back, and he became so dedicated to me and our son there wasn't time for much else. He never once told me it was my fault and that meant so much to me because for a long time I swore it was. Every time I had a question or wanted to understand the why or when or whatever, he would answer without a hesitation. And I know some people wouldn't want to know but it really helped me begin to understand what had happened.

I look back on that time in our life now as a learning experience. Acceptance and forgiveness for the hurt we have caused each other, in one way or another. And the need to forgive in order to move on and let the past be, but I know not to forget and not to let it run your life. If neither one of us could have moved past it we wouldn't be where we are now, 2 beautiful children, a nice place of our own, a strong relationship, and an understanding of each other that I didn't think was possible. Sometimes it still hurts to think about whats happened, but without the problems and the drama, we would never have lasted. Blindly going through a relationship without stopping to understand why something bad happened and what went wrong will doom a relationship from the beginning, and being able to talk about everything the good the bad the ugly the pain.We now know working through it as a couple to protect against it happening again is the only thing that has saved us and kept us going. I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world more good than bad came out of one night of infidelity and without it who knows where we would be now.

The spark

I've heard that a lot of people have a hard time, after a while, finding that spark that they used to have as a couple. Let me say this, I have been there, done that. It is not an easy thing to find again, it takes a lot of work on both parts. For a while there I wasn't sure if we would ever find it again.

It has been the hardest over the last couple of years. We went through a lot of things and it snowballed almost to the point of no return. While I was pregnant for our daughter, I felt like I just wasn't something that he wanted anymore, no matter what he told me I just couldn't change the way I felt. Fat and alone. And it didn't change after we had her either, we couldn't spend much alone time together there wasn't anytime to just be a couple. So we went weeks and weeks without touching each other. Every time we would try to talk about it, a argument would break out and I would leave the room in tears. I never thought it would change. I really thought we were headed for divorce. When ever he would try to touch me I would feel pushed, and as if he just couldn't understand. Eventually he quit trying all together.


 I finally started to take stock of what it was that was really bothering me. Between the kids and the house I didn't really feel like a woman anymore. I just felt like a mom, and I couldn't understand how to be both. And that was something he couldn't fix for me, I had to fix it for myself. I started approaching the small things, like buying myself a sexy bra, or some cute underwear. Because I wanted them, not just because someone else wanted me to. Then I kissed my husband I tried not to think about all the other stuff, but just how it felt to be closer to him. I had to relearn how to enjoy myself and him as my husband, not just as a father to my kids, and the money maker. I taught myself to be sensual again in order to bring the spark back to our marriage.

It was a longer process than I had thought it would be, but anything worth while always is. Now it's so much better, we make the time to be together, even if its just to kiss each other for a while and not make it much further. It might not be the big kaboom, but its better than not touching each other at all. We now try to do little things through out the day as a reminder that we're thinking about one another. It could be a facebook message, or a voice mail, but its a reminder that helps when things get stressful. Sometimes we might not get together as much as we would like to, but that's why when we do we try to make it worth it to at least hold on to till the next time.

I guess what I can say is if you want someone to make you feel sexy, and wanted you have to feel like you should be wanted and that its ok to be sexy and a mom. Without feeling like you're taking something away from either one. Its a slow process and it has to be tweaked and processes have to be changed, but if you really want it it can be done. One day at a time. Slowly the spark will begin to glow again, as long as you make sure to throw some kindling on it once in a while.

Then and Now

Then and now.........

Partying: Then, wake up at noon, start drinking at five, up till 3.
              Now, 2 beers feels like 10, in bed by ten up at 7am

Romance: Then, Dinner out, movie, making love all night long by candle light.
                Now, quick dinner in, toy story 2, making love for 20 minutes quietly no candles they draw too much attention hurry up and finish so there is time to sleep before kids get up.

Vacation: Then, one bag a long car ride, spend almost entire time in the room, with minimal clothing.
                Now, whole trunk and car filled to the roof (plus stuff strapped to the top), try not to spend much time in the room so kids don't make everyone crazy, multiple layers of clothes to avoid the awkward questions about anatomy.

Taking pictures: Then, everyone is of someone doing something crazy, while holding up drinks, and laughing like a hyena at every idiotic thing going on.
                          Now, all of them are of kids covered in some kind of food, or of them covering you in it. No drinks unless its in a sippy cup or is caffeinated.

Hangover: Then, didn't really know what one was.
                 Now, more than two drinks and you feel like you got hit by a train and thrown into a volcano

Going to the store: Then, go in get what you need and leave.
                             Now, go in wrestle kids into cart, chase the escapee down an aisle, trying to keep things we don't need out of the cart, hurrying up so the happy time doesn't turn into the screaming time. three trips to the bathroom, and still forget half of what you needed.

Stopping for gas: Then, pump gas, pay and leave.
                           Now, pay, take a list in of all the requests from the back seat, try not to take longer than 2minutes so no one thinks you left the kids in the car for too long and calls the cops, get out pump gas, then someone needs to use the bathroom and go back in and come back out and then hopefully leave.

 It's just kinda silly to think about the difference in the way the simple things even become a ten step process. Crack me up anymore to think that I used to be in and out of the store in half an hour.

Things that you should have been warned about before parenthood

There are some things I really wish someone would have told me about before I had my first child. For instance:

 1. Using the toilet alone is a privilege, not a guarantee

 2. More than ten minutes in the bathroom, and they act like you went to the moon

 3. Trying to come up with the answers to question like "mommy where is sissy's weenis?" is not as easy as you thought it would be.

 4. Bribery only works for so long.

 5. If you ask your mom a question, don't expect advice, just a giggle, a snort, and the I remember when you did that.

  6. Getting a kiss from your kids is asking to be covered in whatever they just ate.

  7. Getting a break for a night can cause repercussions, from all the spoiling that went on when you were away

 8. People that don't have kids, can't understand why you can't just drop it and leave on a whim, or why you bring so much with you when you take them somewhere (anymore it's like packing for a week long trip)

 9. Trying to have sex before midnight anywhere but in your own room with the door locked, is like trying to tiptoe around landmines.

 10. last but not least, if you choose to stay at home, talking to a grown up other than your husband seems like an addiction to crack. You act crazy when you get it, and when you don't you'd chew your own arm off to get some.

I know its not always the same for everyone, but there are times when I wished they wrote about some of this stuff in those books they want you to read before you have kids. I think it all needs to come with a warning label. But hey in the end it's all something you can make fun of them for when they bring home their first date. We'll call it ammo for later!

My day

I was just thinking about what my day is going to consist of, then I realized that it's pretty much the same thing everyday: get up between 6-7, start picking up mess from night before, get husband up, wait for kids to get up, husband leaves start cleaning his mess, and the new mess kids have added to. My favorite anymore is getting the check in calls from my husband they usually go like this:

 Husband: "Hi, hows it going?"

Me:"Fine."

Husband: "Well watcha doing?"

Me: "Cleaning, cooking, yelling at the big one, little one yelling at me. What are you doing?"

Husband: "Working, driving."

Me: "Thats nice." (me thinking, "thanks for stating the obvious")

Husband: "Ok love you talk to you later."

hour goes by phone rings again...

Husband: "Whatcha doing?"

Me: "Cleaning, arguing with kids."

Husband: "Ok talk to you later."

It's almost like he's expecting something magical to go on, like someone showed up and handed me a trillion dollars. It just makes me laugh, he always wonders why I don't have a lot to say, but its like the same thing everyday, I love talking to him, but I don't really deal with anyone else, and its like we'll you called an hour ago, and I'm pretty much doing the same thing I was doing when you called the first time...He's always telling me I need to change up my routine, I can't quite figure out what that means, am I supposed to change what order I clean in? There isn't much that can get changed. I guess I could clean the bathroom first thing, but then everyone goes in to do their morning "business", and that all goes to crap (pardon the pun :) ) Or I could clean the front room first, but then the kids have their breakfast and I have to vacuum twice as much as I already do. There is no way to make cleaning the house all that entertaining, I feel like that old cartoon with the bears walking around the park with those sticks picking the trash up, and its almost my whole day...My mom used to know the song that went with the bear cartoon, maybe I could sing that. Should I do it all naked, I guess someone would find that entertaining, wait nope can't do that kids don't want to watch that. I could run around and do it really fast, nope might break an ankle (if I can break it getting out of a car, I can break it cleaning house). Maybe it'll get less monotonousness when the kids get bigger. We can all hope lol.

Am I really that old?

Jeeze its been a while since I've been on here..Anyway, I had one of those moments that make you realize you're getting older, faster than you think. My husband sent me to bed at eight because it had been a really long day with the kids, so I go to bed for a while, he crawls into bed around one. I am now wide awake, tried for about an hour to get back to sleep and decided it was pointless (we're getting to the older than dirt feeling, just bear with me). I check my email, get something to drink and try to go back to bed, give him a kiss and he wakes up and is well for lack of a better term, "ready" for me. By now it's after two, we hear the little one get up, so we get her settled down..And our "midnight" rendezvous begins (more like 2:30). Anymore we dont have a lot of time for said events, so we take full advantage of the quiet house..Low and be hold it is now 4:30. Almost time for everyone to get up. We both decide to just stay up, because "we used to be able to go all night, and still function." Boy were we wrong. I have never felt so exhausted all I wanted to do was go back to bed all day, I just kept wondering how on earth I ever went all night and all day without dying somewhere. When we first got together it was (for me anyway) school all day, work most of the night, back to his place for "alone" time, sleep for like two hours (if at all), then do it all over again the next day..Now I look back and think what on earth was wrong with me! I should have been getting the sleep while I could, there is no napping anymore..Anymore we have to decide if the hour or two we want to have together is worth the 4 hours or so of sleep we'll miss. Good grief I didn't think I was going to get to that point so fast, maybe it would be better if we did that stuff on the weekend when there isn't much to do...Mid week is not a good way to go I thought I could pass for a hundred yesterday. I guess kids,house work, and work work will do that to you.

My Hubby

I learned this weekend how much my husband really means to me. There are time when he frustrates me so badly that I can't see straight, and there are times when I just rip his ears off, but he is one of the only people that really understands me. He is there when I'm upset over something that happened and isn't new news. Sometimes I just want to stay mad or sad about things that I can't fix or change, and he always finds a way to bring me back around to the present. Many times calling him a dork is a severe understatement but that is what makes him so fun. Lots of things get in the way and can cloud what's really important, but when the fog clears he's the one that is still there. If I'm cranky and he can't think of a way to fix it, I will hear the music start and he dances all crazy around the house just to get a smile out of me. I have never met someone that would do anything to make me happy. I don't always realize how much him just being there really means, even if he can't fix what the problem is. He's a unique individual with his own out look on life, but he is mine I would never trade him in for anything because with out him, who would be there to put on my fishnets and do a little dance just to see me laugh?

Family

That term family is forever definitely is not a joke. No matter how weird you think they are, or how crazy they might seem they will be the ones that show up when the times get rough no matter what. My family is pretty large when you start counting cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Just like anyone else I have those ones that just make you shake you're head, because it always seem like their ideas are coming not just from left field but from someplace miles from the ballpark. There is also the designated crazy ones that you can tell are a few tacos short of a combo plate. But no matter how crazy, annoying, and frustrating they are never once have they failed to show up to something that was important to me. For instance my mom threw me a surprise baby shower last summer with only a few days notice, and everyone she invited showed up to see me. It brought tears to my eyes, and things like that happen in my family a lot. Sometimes you hear about an event or something and you think man I don't really want to go to that, but I have never regretted going. This is just a simple thank you to my entire family for being there for me over the years, I don't know where I would be without your support. They might be a little quirky and slightly off kilter but they're mine. And no matter what happens I know they'll help me through it if I need them too. So just because they make you crazy don't forget about all the good that comes from them too.

People

Sometimes I think about the people in my life and how they affected it, some I miss and some I don't. But just because I miss them doesn't mean they were ment to stay there forever. I've learned a lot of things about myself from some of them. Their have been people that I though meant way more to me than they really did, and it took me a long time to realize it. If I meant as much to them as they did to me wouldn't they still be here, and at least make their presence known still? There are times when things like that make it harder to let people in for fear they will at some point walk out without so much as a goodbye. There have been times I have thought "I hope you're in my life forever", but when they slowly began to faze themselves out, I decided I really didn't need them as much as I thought I did. I still think about them and miss the good times we had, and the laughs that were shared, but in the end I think it was all for the best. So at least I learned something from them even if I felt hurt and sad at least it was a learning experience. And I can now look back with a smile and a laugh, and think that I didn't lose anyone they did.

Staying at home

There are times when I'm not sure that I am cut out for this stay at home mom stuff. Sometimes all I want to do is escape the repetitive nature of it all. Then I look back at how it was when I worked all the time. They both have their good points, and both can occasionally make you want to tear your hair out. For instance when I worked all the time the house was always a wreck, we had take out almost all the time, and there by we were broker than crap. Now at least I can attempt to keep my house clean, and dinner is almost always made in our own kitchen. That does not mean I am not busy, I always love how people think you have it easy because you stay at home, those that think that have never tried it. I clean all day long, sometimes the same think 4 or 5 times a day, because every time i get it clean someone messes it up again. I don't get any alone time, and most nights I cook, clean and chase kids around the house until I drop.I do not just sit at home watching TV eating bon bons and napping (who on earth has bon bons lying around the house anyway?). Anyone that thinks staying at home would be so fun and easy should try it for a while. Its repetitive, it does not pay well, and you better enjoy cooking and cleaning. If you're a stay at home mom like me pat yourself on the back, god knows we don't get enough credit for it. For those that aren't let me know what it's like to do something that involves grown ups, I'm starting to forget what that's like.

Friendship warning

Why are there people out there who just dont realize how much you do for them? Over the years I have had so many people that I thought were such "good" friends. Only to find out as soon as I stopped benefiting them and I needed them to be there for me I was dropped like a hot rock. It seems to be a theme in my life that is just never ending. Here's a little story to chew on a bit:


 There are two people that have been friends for what feels like forever (we'll call them John and Kate), but lately it has come to the attention of Kate that John really isn't there for her as much as she is for him. Case in point, John was losing his house due to foreclosure so Kate decided John could stay with her until he could get on his feet. Then once John moved in he thought everything was free. When Kate would try to tell him she needed some help with things around the house and some of the bills John would become frustrated and bring up all the time he had helped Kate in the past. When all along there had not been much in return for all of Kate's good deeds. This is where the friendship goes from bad to worse, Kate became so frustrated with bearing all the weight of the relationship that she told john off. This had been a long time coming however and she was carrying a lot of baggage from all the times she had been worked over by her once thought dear friend john.


It has been my experience that people like john and the ilk are poisonous to anything. Point blank they will spread across every part of your life and haunt you till you finally call it quits. These "friends" have no business being apart of yours or for that matter anyone's life. There is a point where you just have to say to yourself I have given so much to be a part of this persons life and I have received less than deserved. It no longer has any benefit to me more than helping me spend extra money of fill up more room in my house. I don't need this any longer and will not be used as a door mat. I must put my foot down and stand up for myself and the time I have invested. At this point it will not come as a loss of a friend, But more of a relief from having to deal with a person who is not really returning any of the kindness you have given.

This is in no way meant to deter you from entering into friendships or for that matter going over with a fine tooth comb the ones you are in. Its simply meant to be a cautionary tale to worn those who have turned a blind eye. And a validation for those have dealt with such people.

Our night alone lol

We were down to only one kid last night, and we had all these plans for what we were going to do with our alone time. Until we realized we fell asleep on the couch at ten o'clock. It made us laugh wow look how hard core we are now. Our night alone now means hooray quiet and sleep. It kinda made me giggle though, any other night he's ready to head to "bed" as soon as the kids are laying down, and the one night there is time he falls asleep first. The night alone consisted of bad TV and snoring on the couch. Oh well guess that's the perils of parenthood. The days of up all night are over and sometimes there just isn't any logic to the things you want to do and then the things that actually happen.

The past.

Well I don't really know how to start this, but this morning my husband and I were talking about some of the things that have gone on in our past. The good the bad the horribly ugly. And I think I realized how worth it all of the stuff good and bad really was. We went through a time about five years ago while I was pregnant for our son that was really draining, and sometimes it still hits a cord when we talk about it. We ended up splitting up for a while and spending quite a bit of time apart and things happened that shouldn't have.  Even though it caused a lot of pain, the more I think about it the easier it is to see how it got us to where we are today. I was almost to the point of giving up, but I held on just a little while and the turn around began. Let me say it wasn't easy to trust or relearn how to live together again. So much has changed since then, we have another beautiful child, a nice home, he has a decent job, and we have everything we need. But if I would have given up on him during any of this we wouldn't have the amazing relationship we have now. Sometimes I wonder if I would be willing to go through it all again. But if I didn't so many good things in my life would be missing and I wouldn't give those up for anything in the world. To those of you that have gone through times in your relationship that you swear are going to break you, whether its being cheated on or being broke, or feeling alone and like the other person just cant understand what you're going through. Have a little faith and try to see what you would be missing if that person disappeared from your life all together. It might surprise you what wouldn't be there if they were gone. If I would have given up all the times I thought I wanted to I wouldn't have either of my kids or be loved as much as I am today. Just some food for thought don't let the bad stuff or the mistakes that are made block out all the reasons why you're with someone. Take it a day at a time and next thing you know you'll make it through the pain in the fog and it would have been something you can learn from. Just like it is for us now. Yes it still is painful to talk about but at the same time we learned a lot about each other and what we really do mean to one another. It makes us appreciate what we have now that much more.

What is up with men?

Just wondering why on earth do guys think sex and naked is the answer to all problems. For instance "aw you have a headache, Well you know what fixes that right? (wink wink)", I mean seriously my head is pounding so hard I think my eyeballs are going to shoot out of the sockets, lets have you lay on top of me for a while and see if that makes it feel better. Good lord, sometimes it amazes me the kids are running all over dinner is cooking and the dishes are up to the ceiling I'm sorry running to bed is just not in my thoughts.. And relationships will not totally fall apart if it's been a few days. Blue balls will not kill you, and maybe if you quit touching yourself every time you sit down maybe blue balls wouldn't be a problem. One thing that seems to elude men in general is that once you have kids morning sex is nearly non existent unless we all just quit sleeping...And if there are noises coming out of me that sound like snoring, it is not a coy invitation to try to attack me in the middle of the night. It will not get you what you want unless what you want is to deal with a very annoyed sleepy female with morning breath and night time drool stuck to her head. And just because you have to be naked to take a shower does not mean that anyone is waiting for you to come in and try to get things started through the shower door. Now dont get me wrong I like to get it on still, but it is not what I base the success of my day on when it can happen its an added bonus.....Just saying dont take offense honey lol :)

Just me and my girl!

Well so far today its just me and the girl, the boys took off this morning and its just too quiet. I feel like I'm going a little bit stir crazy I already finished cleaning the house and now it's just the waiting game. Sometimes I can't wait to have a few minutes to myself and then when I get it. I don't know what to do. It's quiet and lonely and I almost miss the chaos of having everyone home. It's like the countdown begins after the first hour they're gone. However it is nice to spend some much needed quality time with my girl, although I think she just wants quality time with anything she can find to chew on. Alas the perils of having a little one.

Same sex marriage

My husband and I were having a discussion about this the other night and we were wondering what on earth is the big deal? Really we can't figure out why people are so freaked out about it, there have been people that are attracted to the same sex since the beginning of time. Why is it such an issue if they want to get married? It's not like because the government doesn't recognize it they're going to stop being who they are. Those of you that are having a spaz about it, I would really like for you to tell me how it would impact your daily life, is it going to make the laundry, dishes or cleaning stop. Will the world stop turning because they can file their taxes jointly? I really don't think so. I mean if were going to make a big deal out of that we better start coming down on people that have threesomes because either way there is at least two of the same sex involved with that. I just wish people would get off they're soap box and just let it go. It's not like its some kind of contagious disease that becomes air born or something. Whether its legal or not it's not going to go away, and heaven forbid the country that preaches equality actually let everyone be equal. Just something for everyone to think about.