How I survived infidelity in my marriage

I didn't really think I would ever want to talk about this. However, its been quite a few years and in a way it made our relationship what it is today. Now it seems like the time to let it all out and get it off of my chest.

My husband and I have been together for almost eight years. Some times it feels like it started just yesterday (we'll when you don't count the kids). It certainly has not been without its trials and tribulations, sometimes the list of difficult things is just way too long to think about. We've both are very hard headed and opininated, which can mean large loud battles over little stupid things. Eventually all the little stupid things turn into big ugly problems than seem nearly impossible to fix.

We go married in the summer, before my 20th birthday, and by the fall I was pregnant with our first child. At first we we're both so excited and couldn't wait for him to get here. Then when the second trimester started it all started to change. We started fighting over everything, and there was no relief in sight. Our friends weren't much help, they moved into where we were staying. It went from me and him living in his grandparents basement, to me him and all of his friends all sleeping and staying in the same room. It finally got to the point that the stress was too much. I went to stay with my mom for a night, I saw it as sometime to regain some composure. He saw it as the end, and I didn't hear or see him for nearly a week.

After that first week, I saw him off and on for small amounts of time. And at first there being someone else didn't even occur to me, until our mutual friends kept asking me who the girl was he was bringing everywhere. At first I just let it go and tried not to think about what he was doing. Then I crossed paths with him when they were together. Before I even had the chance to say something he was denying it, so I yet again tried not to think about it. He started to come see me more and try to work things out a piece at a time.

I moved three hours away with my parents, and we kept in contact by phone until he finally decided where he needed to be. I asked him repeatedly if he had ever done anything with the girl I had seen him with. I heard no for years after, and I never entirely believed it. Fast forward a couple years and we get into this big blow up, and he starts telling me what a horrible person he is. Calling himself a cheater and a horrible excuse for a husband. Then it hit me what he was trying to say, and I was devastated. All that time we spent building up our trust and working through all of it and what in my heart I had always known was true. He'd cheated on me.

Then the now what began, do I leave, do I try again to build it up from scratch and start over one more time. I really didn't know if I could do it again. I felt like I had been betrayed twice, and I didn't know if I wanted to risk getting hurt, or finding out there was other things that would come out later. Our son at the time was almost two and the thought of tearing his world apart killed me, and as much as it had hurt finding my worst fear confirmed, I wasn't ready to call it quits. I'd spent the better part of my life in this marriage and had been through way to much to not give it one more shot. And that is one decision I have never regretted.

It wasn't easy, especially with the kind of profession he's in, it involves a lot of travel and can mean lots of time away from home. I started checking his phone, email, and whatever else I could think of that would give him access to anyone else but me. We would sit down and talk about how we felt about what had happened at least a few times a month, the tears would come from both of us, and the rebuilding had begun. One brick at a time, I started to let it go and allow the trust to come back, and he became so dedicated to me and our son there wasn't time for much else. He never once told me it was my fault and that meant so much to me because for a long time I swore it was. Every time I had a question or wanted to understand the why or when or whatever, he would answer without a hesitation. And I know some people wouldn't want to know but it really helped me begin to understand what had happened.

I look back on that time in our life now as a learning experience. Acceptance and forgiveness for the hurt we have caused each other, in one way or another. And the need to forgive in order to move on and let the past be, but I know not to forget and not to let it run your life. If neither one of us could have moved past it we wouldn't be where we are now, 2 beautiful children, a nice place of our own, a strong relationship, and an understanding of each other that I didn't think was possible. Sometimes it still hurts to think about whats happened, but without the problems and the drama, we would never have lasted. Blindly going through a relationship without stopping to understand why something bad happened and what went wrong will doom a relationship from the beginning, and being able to talk about everything the good the bad the ugly the pain.We now know working through it as a couple to protect against it happening again is the only thing that has saved us and kept us going. I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world more good than bad came out of one night of infidelity and without it who knows where we would be now.