To my husband

Looking back at the way things were. It's been a long road to get where we finally are today, full of bumps and potholes, and sometimes its easy to forget why we are this way. I remember what is was like when we first met, and how we couldn't ever seem to not want to be near each other. Yes things are different now, not because we want them to be but because in a way they have to be. There are times when its hard to look back and see the way things were compared to how they are now.

The first time I looked at you my heart stopped, and I knew there was something different about you. I couldn't stop thinking about you after that. All I wanted was to see you again, to make sure I wasn't imaging things. Then it happened I watched you walk up to me, and felt my heart stop just like it did that first time. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, all I wanted was to be closer to you. When the night ended and we went our separate ways I knew something in me had changed. I felt like part of myself was missing, and I didn't get to figure out why until a few months later.

The next time I ran into you, I couldn't resist asking for you to call me finally. Then when the phone rang just after I walked in the door I felt my heart leap, I have never been so thrilled in my entire life (even though you couldn't remember my name, and by then I was girl with short brown hair). Not long after that, we were nearly inseparable, spent every minute we could together, and when we couldn't be we were on the phone.

I had never felt so connected to anyone even in the beginning, every touch every word felt as if we had been together for years. Always having to be touching something, holding hands or having our knees touch when the hands had to stay in view. Wanting to wake up everyday and just be together no matter what we were doing or what problems we were having, as long as we were together everything would be alright.

Two years pass, and its our wedding day, I have never been so nervous and excited for anything in my life (except for the kids of course). I kept wondering if at some point you were going to change your mind, and run away screaming, and when those doors opened and I walked out and saw you standing there waiting for me, I felt like a princess. I felt so special and important, I never wanted the day to end. Knowing that you wanted to be with me as badly as I did you, was amazing and so overwhelming, it was hard not to cry, just to release all the feelings that were building up inside of me.

Things aren't quite the same as they were we have way more things to worry about besides each other. But I can say with my whole heart you are still the one that makes my heart race, and whose touch makes me feel like a princess. You were made for me and I was made for you, even after all the things we've been through, I have never regretted, walking down that aisle and starting my life anew with you. I wake up each day thanking god for leading me to you, and showing me what I needed. Even when things are bad, the one thing I know in my heart is that I love you and that if I wasn't yours I wouldn't feel like myself. Thank you for choosing me and walking hand in hand with me through this life.

Me, Myself, and all the crap that means :P

There are somethings about me that are difficult to explain and understand even for me. But I am going to try to work through that right now. I am one of those people that wear my heart on my sleeve and every emotion I ever feel is easy to notice, unless you're blind and deaf. Hiding and holding in what I'm feeling has never been something that comes easy. Everything I do or say has some sort of feeling behind it. I can't help it, I love easily, but I can hate someone just as easily. There isn't a lot of room for grey area with me, because that has caused hurt and pain in the past, to avoid the hurt and pain I have a tendency to see things as very black and white. This is hard for people that are close to me to understand, but if I didn't do it like that, I'd be broken even easier. There are times when I can deal with the little things that bother me and try to write them off, but if enough little things happen, they'll ball up into one big thing that can't be held in or ignored any longer. Frustration is something I try to deal with daily, and occasionally I can but there are days when I just can't deal any longer. And sometimes that is just because after all the things I've gone through I would think the issues that cause the frustration wouldn't happen (at least not often). And when they continue to happen, its a combination of hurt, anger, sadness and disappointment, that is hard to express. I talk about what's bothering me quite a bit, sometimes to a point it makes those close to me crazy, but if I didn't I wouldn't be able to work through my emotions they would just be constantly there like they have their own pulse. I admit to occasionally blowing things out of proportion, not trying to make excuses for it, but it's that old saying shit rolls down hill, and when the shit keeps piling up one thing after another its hard to not have one little thing be the breaking point. I don't talk to a lot of people, because I don't like to tick people off, and lots of people have a hard time understanding what I'm talking about. And the thought of being judged and picked apart by people isn't something I handle very well. Been dealing with a lot of people that are very good at pretending they care but in the end just taking off all together for whatever reason, and there isn't much worse of a feeling than being totally honest with someone and in the end rejected for it. Life is hard enough without that, I left highschool a long time ago, and there by people being so judgmental is just beyond me. Anyway, I've tried to change how I am, but its never an easy thing to do. Progress is slow and difficult and sometimes nonexistent, but the truth is I will keep trying to not allow so many to take the heart that I have and walk all over it, to just hand it back to me mangled and broken.

The man my husband really is (to those that can't seem to get it)

I know I've written about him previously, however I think there are somethings I failed to mention. He is the sweetest person I have ever met, but he has this tendency to want to be everything to everyone all the time. Lots of people probably wouldn't see where this can become difficult, but he is the person that will take everyone's issues and wants into himself and try to fix things that he really can't. When he can't fix it, it begins to affect his personality and emotions. He will do everything he can forever even things that are impossible. He won't ever say when enough is enough, he will keep going until it nearly tears him into pieces. It's not something he likes to admit to anyone even to me, but I can usually see when it starts. There are people out there that don't listen or watch for the signs, and just keep taking advantage of his ability to appear fine regardless of how he's really feeling. Lots of people over the years have thought that every time something happens and it comes to a stop its because of me, to a point I guess they're right, but if I didn't step in the amount of damage could be devastating. People don't hear or see the things that go on when no one is looking, or they just don't want to open their eyes and see what they're really doing. He has the biggest heart of anyone, but he will never show people how hes really feeling or what hes actually thinking. All anyone else will ever see or hear is what he thinks they need or want. In his own way he's trying to help, and he is helping everyone but himself. This is a very difficult thing for me to watch, because I can see through the front he puts up and feel how its affecting him and what is really going on inside. I hate watching him become someone else for other people's benefit, because if it goes on long enough, it all starts to run together. He will do anything for anyone at anytime, but sometimes people need to know when its too much without being told. He will never say it, until he absolutely has to and everything else begins to snowball. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to watch and have to be the one to step in, because he won't say anything and they won't bother to take a second look. Everything he does or say has a reason behind it, occasionally reading between the lines is necessary, there is lots hiding under the surface of the exterior.  He is the best friend and husband I could ever ask for, I love him with my whole heart. Others need to see him for what he is one person with a life and a family, he can't be everyone's everything no matter how hard he tries. And the more you ask for the more he'll try to give until it tears him into pieces. So all of you out there that know someone like this, take it upon yourself to know when to take a step back and do whats best because its right not necessarily because you want to.

No more Pushovers here!

As I've gotten older, I have come to realize a few things, it is alright to be yourself and not conform to the people around you, and just because people don't always like you for whatever reason doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

I've always been one of those pleaser types. I wanted everyone to like me and when they didn't I would blame myself. What could I have done to not have that happen. It took me almost my entire life to realize if someone doesn't like me it doesn't mean I'm unlikeable or there's something wrong with me. I used to try to be whatever someone else wanted me to be, and I never really felt like I was "myself". It was a hard habit to break. I was really good at becoming the doormat because of that. I would let people use me to drive them around, or for money, or whatever. And I thought it would make them like me more. But what it really did was make it easier for people to use me to their advantage.

There were times when I would go out of my way to do something for someone else, and never really look at what I was doing. As the years went by I would look back and go "holy crap I cannot believe I didn't see that" they were just my "friend" for the things I had. Now I didn't always have a lot but I was always willing to let people use or have whatever they needed. I would give they would take, but when it came time for me to need help, or just someone to be there for me, people were either too busy, or just plain didn't care.

I finally had to grow a back bone, and not to sound like one of those lovely "B" words, but I had to say no, and when someone would say something stupid, give a polite "up yours" in return. I will not be walked on anymore, and if its something that I can do I will help, but if its something that in the end will put me in an iffy position you can go find another pushover sucker. I will fully admit to be a little jaded now, but there will be no more taking advantage of me, I am a grown up in every sense of the word. And if you can't grow up it is not my job to be your "parent".

Not a long one, but I needed to vent a little :)

Finding an Understanding

It's hard for me sometimes to write about emotional things that aren't easy to laugh at. It touches me in places that don't like to be touched. Emotions come to the surface that I try to hide, but I have learned if I don't work through and try to understand the things I've been though they begin to eat away at my soul. Life isn't all flowers and smiles, it has pain and hurt, and everything in between.

One thing I've learned is that some things that you don't think affect you have a profound impact on the way you do things. I walk on egg shells even when I don't have to out of habit not necessity. But you know I have been able to understand that not everyone is waiting for a fight, or to say something obnoxious. There are people that care and are willing to help you through things and want you for you. Its just knowing when you found that person don't always expect it to be people, sometimes its just one person that will go through it all with you without a problem. Don't take them fore granted.

I found my partner in everything through tough times and good times. We put each other through some things neither one of us deserved, but in the end its what you bring to a relationship not just what you get out of it. I know that this might be read is kinda random, but I know now who is there for me through thick and thin and who is only there when times are good, and they can get something out of you. I love my life and my husband. All of it might frustrate me once in a while, but nothing good ever came without hard work and hurdles to jump. Just do it with class and style, one step at a time. Don't expect it to be perfect all the time, just be prepared to only take out what you put in. So put in everything you want to get back, but only to someone that deserves it.

People and Drama

One thing I have tried to do is not write about things I don't have a lot of experience in. I have had way more experiences than I care to admit to, good, bad, and ugly. I have had people that I thought were close friends fall off the map, for reasons beyond me. I have had close friends turn into sales people, as in that's the only reason they talk to me anymore is to try to get me to sign up for or sell something. Its gotten severely frustrating. When I do see people the question always it "what are you doing now?". And when I say well I stay at home with the kids, the common response is "wow must be nice to have enough money to do that." Why because I stay home does that mean I am loaded? I am far from it! I am lucky if I can get all the bills paid in a single month without cutting out essential things, like groceries or clothes for the kids. I haven't bought a new pair of shoes for myself in almost three years. It frustrates me that I have to explain how I can afford to stay home. I don't ask you how can you afford to drive all over kingdom come and go out to do all these extra things and still live. I don't go do anything and you wonder how I can afford to stay home???

I have had lots of judgment placed on me for things that have happened over the years. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends, mostly because girls are dramatic, and most guys aren't. But just because I have male friends, does not mean I am secretly sleeping with them. A lot of the time when I have had a hoard of girl friends, nothing is a secret, and everybody seems to know everything. Secrets have been a foreign concept to most. It at one point got to the extent that I wouldn't talk about anything going on for fear of judgment not understanding or input, just lots and lots of judgment. I tried very hard to keep things to myself.

When I worked the whole place was a giant rumor mill, from regular customers, coworkers, management, and whoever, always seemed to know everything, even things that you didn't know were going on. Every time I talked to someone this giant mess of crap would "come out" and I would be given the third degree by any and everyone. Even if none of it was true, it would just be me in denial. I would hope I would know whats going on in my life, but apparently everyone else has always known better than I did. When did personal start meaning public?

I guess I am just feeling frustrated with humanity, I could write a book about everyone elses bull crap I have heard over the years, but unlike some I know when it's not my job to judge, or advertise people's skeletons, eventually they will do a fine job of that on their own.

People will always thrive on the drama, that is why I have learned to keep my drama to myself! (well for the most part anyway ) :)

People

Sometimes I think about the people in my life and how they affected it, some I miss and some I don't. But just because I miss them doesn't mean they were ment to stay there forever. I've learned a lot of things about myself from some of them. Their have been people that I though meant way more to me than they really did, and it took me a long time to realize it. If I meant as much to them as they did to me wouldn't they still be here, and at least make their presence known still? There are times when things like that make it harder to let people in for fear they will at some point walk out without so much as a goodbye. There have been times I have thought "I hope you're in my life forever", but when they slowly began to faze themselves out, I decided I really didn't need them as much as I thought I did. I still think about them and miss the good times we had, and the laughs that were shared, but in the end I think it was all for the best. So at least I learned something from them even if I felt hurt and sad at least it was a learning experience. And I can now look back with a smile and a laugh, and think that I didn't lose anyone they did.

Friendship warning

Why are there people out there who just dont realize how much you do for them? Over the years I have had so many people that I thought were such "good" friends. Only to find out as soon as I stopped benefiting them and I needed them to be there for me I was dropped like a hot rock. It seems to be a theme in my life that is just never ending. Here's a little story to chew on a bit:


 There are two people that have been friends for what feels like forever (we'll call them John and Kate), but lately it has come to the attention of Kate that John really isn't there for her as much as she is for him. Case in point, John was losing his house due to foreclosure so Kate decided John could stay with her until he could get on his feet. Then once John moved in he thought everything was free. When Kate would try to tell him she needed some help with things around the house and some of the bills John would become frustrated and bring up all the time he had helped Kate in the past. When all along there had not been much in return for all of Kate's good deeds. This is where the friendship goes from bad to worse, Kate became so frustrated with bearing all the weight of the relationship that she told john off. This had been a long time coming however and she was carrying a lot of baggage from all the times she had been worked over by her once thought dear friend john.


It has been my experience that people like john and the ilk are poisonous to anything. Point blank they will spread across every part of your life and haunt you till you finally call it quits. These "friends" have no business being apart of yours or for that matter anyone's life. There is a point where you just have to say to yourself I have given so much to be a part of this persons life and I have received less than deserved. It no longer has any benefit to me more than helping me spend extra money of fill up more room in my house. I don't need this any longer and will not be used as a door mat. I must put my foot down and stand up for myself and the time I have invested. At this point it will not come as a loss of a friend, But more of a relief from having to deal with a person who is not really returning any of the kindness you have given.

This is in no way meant to deter you from entering into friendships or for that matter going over with a fine tooth comb the ones you are in. Its simply meant to be a cautionary tale to worn those who have turned a blind eye. And a validation for those have dealt with such people.