To my husband

Looking back at the way things were. It's been a long road to get where we finally are today, full of bumps and potholes, and sometimes its easy to forget why we are this way. I remember what is was like when we first met, and how we couldn't ever seem to not want to be near each other. Yes things are different now, not because we want them to be but because in a way they have to be. There are times when its hard to look back and see the way things were compared to how they are now.

The first time I looked at you my heart stopped, and I knew there was something different about you. I couldn't stop thinking about you after that. All I wanted was to see you again, to make sure I wasn't imaging things. Then it happened I watched you walk up to me, and felt my heart stop just like it did that first time. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, all I wanted was to be closer to you. When the night ended and we went our separate ways I knew something in me had changed. I felt like part of myself was missing, and I didn't get to figure out why until a few months later.

The next time I ran into you, I couldn't resist asking for you to call me finally. Then when the phone rang just after I walked in the door I felt my heart leap, I have never been so thrilled in my entire life (even though you couldn't remember my name, and by then I was girl with short brown hair). Not long after that, we were nearly inseparable, spent every minute we could together, and when we couldn't be we were on the phone.

I had never felt so connected to anyone even in the beginning, every touch every word felt as if we had been together for years. Always having to be touching something, holding hands or having our knees touch when the hands had to stay in view. Wanting to wake up everyday and just be together no matter what we were doing or what problems we were having, as long as we were together everything would be alright.

Two years pass, and its our wedding day, I have never been so nervous and excited for anything in my life (except for the kids of course). I kept wondering if at some point you were going to change your mind, and run away screaming, and when those doors opened and I walked out and saw you standing there waiting for me, I felt like a princess. I felt so special and important, I never wanted the day to end. Knowing that you wanted to be with me as badly as I did you, was amazing and so overwhelming, it was hard not to cry, just to release all the feelings that were building up inside of me.

Things aren't quite the same as they were we have way more things to worry about besides each other. But I can say with my whole heart you are still the one that makes my heart race, and whose touch makes me feel like a princess. You were made for me and I was made for you, even after all the things we've been through, I have never regretted, walking down that aisle and starting my life anew with you. I wake up each day thanking god for leading me to you, and showing me what I needed. Even when things are bad, the one thing I know in my heart is that I love you and that if I wasn't yours I wouldn't feel like myself. Thank you for choosing me and walking hand in hand with me through this life.

Take a second to look

There are somethings I just don't understand, how can people have little to no understanding about how the things they do and say affect other people. Everything that happens has a ripple effect, and careless thoughts and actions can have negative impacts on everything. People need to think before they act and speak, because it is never apparent what can happen if you don't bother to take a step back and look before you leap.

Things that don't seem painful, or hurtful, can ultimately cause more hurt and pain than can ever be imagined. Just because you say one thing and don't see what harm it could do, does not mean that if someone else sees it that it won't have any meaning for them. Different people have things affect them in different ways, just because it doesn't do anything to you directly does not mean that someone else won't feel something because of it.

Consideration for others does not seem to be a priority for very many. I am by no means saying that I haven't done it, but the point is that you have to take a lesson from the things you have done and try desperately hard not to do them again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, so why not take the time to think previous to doing?

I have to consider my entirely family before I do anything, what they could think or what they could feel. And when other people do not have that consideration when saying or doing something that affects me. It then has to become my job to inform them who all their being inconsiderate is affecting. It is no longer just about me its about everyone in my life. And if that cannot be understood, then they have to politely move themselves along. The last few weeks have been rather difficult because of ripple affects from other people and them not being able to understand it. Its been something that has had a great affect on myself and family, and its been a process trying to put it all back in line, but hopefully if people can begin to have some thoughts about someone other than themselves, it won't be a problem any longer.

In conclusion to all people out there, think before you speak or act, about who and what you're affecting, you never know what kind of damage you could be causing.

The man my husband really is (to those that can't seem to get it)

I know I've written about him previously, however I think there are somethings I failed to mention. He is the sweetest person I have ever met, but he has this tendency to want to be everything to everyone all the time. Lots of people probably wouldn't see where this can become difficult, but he is the person that will take everyone's issues and wants into himself and try to fix things that he really can't. When he can't fix it, it begins to affect his personality and emotions. He will do everything he can forever even things that are impossible. He won't ever say when enough is enough, he will keep going until it nearly tears him into pieces. It's not something he likes to admit to anyone even to me, but I can usually see when it starts. There are people out there that don't listen or watch for the signs, and just keep taking advantage of his ability to appear fine regardless of how he's really feeling. Lots of people over the years have thought that every time something happens and it comes to a stop its because of me, to a point I guess they're right, but if I didn't step in the amount of damage could be devastating. People don't hear or see the things that go on when no one is looking, or they just don't want to open their eyes and see what they're really doing. He has the biggest heart of anyone, but he will never show people how hes really feeling or what hes actually thinking. All anyone else will ever see or hear is what he thinks they need or want. In his own way he's trying to help, and he is helping everyone but himself. This is a very difficult thing for me to watch, because I can see through the front he puts up and feel how its affecting him and what is really going on inside. I hate watching him become someone else for other people's benefit, because if it goes on long enough, it all starts to run together. He will do anything for anyone at anytime, but sometimes people need to know when its too much without being told. He will never say it, until he absolutely has to and everything else begins to snowball. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to watch and have to be the one to step in, because he won't say anything and they won't bother to take a second look. Everything he does or say has a reason behind it, occasionally reading between the lines is necessary, there is lots hiding under the surface of the exterior.  He is the best friend and husband I could ever ask for, I love him with my whole heart. Others need to see him for what he is one person with a life and a family, he can't be everyone's everything no matter how hard he tries. And the more you ask for the more he'll try to give until it tears him into pieces. So all of you out there that know someone like this, take it upon yourself to know when to take a step back and do whats best because its right not necessarily because you want to.

I've made a decision.

I have come to the decision that I can not to help people that don't want to be helped. There have been many nights where I had a hard time sleeping trying to come up with fixes to problems, I know in the end no one will try to fix. It has been slowly driving me crazy. The things that go on sometimes bother me to the point of making me ill, but if they don't bother other people enough to find a way out of said situation, then what can I do?

I can't save someone that doesn't think they need saving, the only people I can save are myself and my family. So I have decided that is what I am doing. I have pulled myself out of a stressful situation, and some of the consequences might bother me, but I know when you have to say enough. No child should have to watch they're parents get upset and stressed out over things that are out of their control. I will not take other people's burdens as my own. All it has ever done is put stress on my family, and my marriage. Some people don't think that a child will understand when something goes on in a house whether negative or positive, but in the end they notice way more than any one realizes.

My children and my husband are the most important people in my life, and they deserve to have me at my best. And I can not be totally there for them when I am consumed by other peoples issues. I have tried to find a way to balance my family's and everyone else problems, but in the end I get consumed by fixing everyone elses issues cause their problems seem to be worse and bigger than mine. But there by my problems get bigger, and are no longer simple fixes.

I will no longer be the cheer leader on the sideline of everyone elses crap, I'm tired of saying "go go you can do it, it'll be fine, you can do it" and having it not really mean anything. Nothing will change no effort will be made, so what exactly am I cheering for? I will not feel bad for something that is not my fault. I will not take it upon myself to fix everyone else, and allow myself to fall apart.

I will not feel bad that my problems aren't as big as someone elses so they don't matter. Feeling bad for how I feel, or what I think is no longer an option. I am an individual and am allowed to do that, and not feel bad because someone else doesn't like it. There is no more feeling guilty for things that I can not control or fix. Just because my problems aren't off the charts crazy does not mean they're not bothering me, and being told how much worse, or how the same somebody elses are, makes me ill-legitimized. And I will no longer put up with that.

I do not enjoy being compared and picked apart, and I will no longer pretend like it doesn't bother me. I deserve the same respect I give to others. And until that day, I am going to concentrate on what my family and I need without feeling bad about it. They are my life, and who need me the most, and sometimes you just have to know when to say when.

Well thanks for the guilt trip but...

Well today was pretty good, until the people I assumed would support me, knocked me down and tried to make me feel bad for the things I've written. I deleted one of my posts, however I am not sorry I wrote it. Yes it affected more than just me, but I can't pretend it didn't anymore. And if they want to go on pretending like it was never "that" bad then leave me out of it and let me be. Sometimes you have to help others by first helping yourself, and I knew no one would ever broach the topic. So I did. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't to make everyone look bad, or to hang out anyone's dirty laundry.

I have made it to the point, I can't pretend things from my past haven't affected how I am as a person. Or how I feel towards people in my life. This blog is for me to talk about how I feel about things and how they effected ME. I know people won't always like it, and if you don't then by all means by pass it and move on. I have tried and tried over the years to help and you know pretending and ignoring things doesn't help. There have been times when in a bad situation I have tried to divert attention to me to take it off of who was catching the brunt of it, and it never helped. But I tried, and the fact nothing has changed should prove that what everyone else is doing isn't working. Being afraid someone will find out something that they didn't know previously is ridiculace, in this family most of the issues we've had is far far from a secret. The only thing is that no one says anything, but that does not mean people are not aware of the situation.

I needed to open up for myself, to ease some of the pain, not just numb it. Maybe something good could have come out of it and we could have all had a support system, but you took almost any chance of that away. I am tired of being turned into the bad guy, I DIDN'T do anything WRONG! Just because you don't understand or wouldn't approach it in the way I did does NOT make it wrong. My family means everything to me, but if things I've gone through and things I've felt are too much for you to handle, I am not sorry, I didn't do it to myself, so please try to understand. Nothing I write or say is to make you mad or look bad, its just the truth and how I have perceived things over the years. Maybe we could try to fix it together instead of just trying to chew me up spit me and out and make me feel guilty about how I feel.

I love my family more than anything but I want us to be close again, and the things that go on don't make that possible. And how I feel should be understood, not taken as a personal attack. Please understand I did this to release things that have been brewing for years. Come to an understanding, think before you decide that everything I say was against you.

Finding an Understanding

It's hard for me sometimes to write about emotional things that aren't easy to laugh at. It touches me in places that don't like to be touched. Emotions come to the surface that I try to hide, but I have learned if I don't work through and try to understand the things I've been though they begin to eat away at my soul. Life isn't all flowers and smiles, it has pain and hurt, and everything in between.

One thing I've learned is that some things that you don't think affect you have a profound impact on the way you do things. I walk on egg shells even when I don't have to out of habit not necessity. But you know I have been able to understand that not everyone is waiting for a fight, or to say something obnoxious. There are people that care and are willing to help you through things and want you for you. Its just knowing when you found that person don't always expect it to be people, sometimes its just one person that will go through it all with you without a problem. Don't take them fore granted.

I found my partner in everything through tough times and good times. We put each other through some things neither one of us deserved, but in the end its what you bring to a relationship not just what you get out of it. I know that this might be read is kinda random, but I know now who is there for me through thick and thin and who is only there when times are good, and they can get something out of you. I love my life and my husband. All of it might frustrate me once in a while, but nothing good ever came without hard work and hurdles to jump. Just do it with class and style, one step at a time. Don't expect it to be perfect all the time, just be prepared to only take out what you put in. So put in everything you want to get back, but only to someone that deserves it.

You know you're a parent when...

You know you're a parent when...


1. 8:30 am is sleeping in....

2. When you take a bath you have to fish the toys out before you run the tub.

3. You know all the lines to all the nick jr. tv shows...

4. None of the locks work, for fear someone will get stuck in them

5. Where there was beer, now there are juice boxes

6. All your dishes are plastic to avoid shattering

7. Going out to dinner with the family, means drive through, and happy meal toys

8. Your flowerbeds/ garden, become a sand box

9. It takes 45 minutes to get into the driveway to leave

10. going to the store is like going to the races, the quickest one out with a child still happy wins.

There are plenty more ways to tell, stretch marks, toys everywhere, and finding random things stuffed in behind and around the furniture. All of it is a sign that your children exist, but at least you know they love you , you love them, and everyone can see the fun and humor in everyday life. My kids might stress me out and have changed my life beyond measure, but they are the greatest thing to ever happen to me in more ways than I can count. (now I have to stop, to try to get one to take a nap and stop sneaking the toys into bed with him)

Family

That term family is forever definitely is not a joke. No matter how weird you think they are, or how crazy they might seem they will be the ones that show up when the times get rough no matter what. My family is pretty large when you start counting cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Just like anyone else I have those ones that just make you shake you're head, because it always seem like their ideas are coming not just from left field but from someplace miles from the ballpark. There is also the designated crazy ones that you can tell are a few tacos short of a combo plate. But no matter how crazy, annoying, and frustrating they are never once have they failed to show up to something that was important to me. For instance my mom threw me a surprise baby shower last summer with only a few days notice, and everyone she invited showed up to see me. It brought tears to my eyes, and things like that happen in my family a lot. Sometimes you hear about an event or something and you think man I don't really want to go to that, but I have never regretted going. This is just a simple thank you to my entire family for being there for me over the years, I don't know where I would be without your support. They might be a little quirky and slightly off kilter but they're mine. And no matter what happens I know they'll help me through it if I need them too. So just because they make you crazy don't forget about all the good that comes from them too.