Been a while

It's been a while since I could find the time to write, so I'm going to try to make up for it a bit. I really missed having the ability to vent. Some things I've learned recently are: people aren't always what they seem, some people walk out of your life and instead of leaving an impression leave a festering wound, and life throws you obstacles sometimes that seem like too much to bear but you still have to have the courage to face them.

I've done some regrettable things in the past, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if those mistakes more of a way for me to learn something about myself. Don't get me wrong there are times I wish life would have thrown me different kinds of obstacles just so they wouldn't have left me so wounded or vulnerable  I now have regrettably began closing myself off to people trying very hard not to let them get too close for fear of rejection, or the inevitability of them walking away from me for reasons I can't begin to fathom.

My husband calls it being jaded, and wants me to not close off to people so much, which is extremely ironic if I really sit and think about it since he was always the one picking up the pieces of me and putting them back together. I try really hard to be myself but more often then not conform myself to what other people think or want me to be. It becomes exhausting trying to keep up with the many versions of myself I have floating around. I'm not entirely sure how to change it and just be myself...So in relation to that I'm going to admit a few things here about how I really am...

• I can be extremely emotional, even if I put up a front my emotions are right under the surface.
• Anyone I have ever considered a friend even if they wrong me are still in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I never really stop caring (sometimes I wish I could)
• I don't enjoy confrontation, but sometimes I really just can't hold in the frustration anymore
• If you were ever an enemy of mine in one form or another, know for a fact that hasn't changed. I might forgive those that deserve it (not many by the way) but I never forget.
• My heart is easily broken by people that I care about, I'm quick to try to fix it, but somehow the thing that went wrong is always in the back of my head and I wonder if there was something I could do to prevent the pain in the first place.
• My kids are my universe, but sometimes I just really need a break to feel like an individual once in a while.
• My best friend I have ever had is my husband he understands me better than most even if sometimes he gets frustrated with me, I cant picture myself with anyone else.

I know this one isn't terribly organized but it's at least a start. I hope to be able to write more in the near future if the kids are will to work with me. Feel free to leave your thoughts, I'm gonna go do the dishes now ;)

Me, Myself, and all the crap that means :P

There are somethings about me that are difficult to explain and understand even for me. But I am going to try to work through that right now. I am one of those people that wear my heart on my sleeve and every emotion I ever feel is easy to notice, unless you're blind and deaf. Hiding and holding in what I'm feeling has never been something that comes easy. Everything I do or say has some sort of feeling behind it. I can't help it, I love easily, but I can hate someone just as easily. There isn't a lot of room for grey area with me, because that has caused hurt and pain in the past, to avoid the hurt and pain I have a tendency to see things as very black and white. This is hard for people that are close to me to understand, but if I didn't do it like that, I'd be broken even easier. There are times when I can deal with the little things that bother me and try to write them off, but if enough little things happen, they'll ball up into one big thing that can't be held in or ignored any longer. Frustration is something I try to deal with daily, and occasionally I can but there are days when I just can't deal any longer. And sometimes that is just because after all the things I've gone through I would think the issues that cause the frustration wouldn't happen (at least not often). And when they continue to happen, its a combination of hurt, anger, sadness and disappointment, that is hard to express. I talk about what's bothering me quite a bit, sometimes to a point it makes those close to me crazy, but if I didn't I wouldn't be able to work through my emotions they would just be constantly there like they have their own pulse. I admit to occasionally blowing things out of proportion, not trying to make excuses for it, but it's that old saying shit rolls down hill, and when the shit keeps piling up one thing after another its hard to not have one little thing be the breaking point. I don't talk to a lot of people, because I don't like to tick people off, and lots of people have a hard time understanding what I'm talking about. And the thought of being judged and picked apart by people isn't something I handle very well. Been dealing with a lot of people that are very good at pretending they care but in the end just taking off all together for whatever reason, and there isn't much worse of a feeling than being totally honest with someone and in the end rejected for it. Life is hard enough without that, I left highschool a long time ago, and there by people being so judgmental is just beyond me. Anyway, I've tried to change how I am, but its never an easy thing to do. Progress is slow and difficult and sometimes nonexistent, but the truth is I will keep trying to not allow so many to take the heart that I have and walk all over it, to just hand it back to me mangled and broken.

Moving on

Sometimes in a marriage, its hard to let things go and move on. Especially when it affects so many things in one way or another. The ripple affect can be worse than whatever caused the first problem. I don't know about anyone else, but for me when something hurts its difficult to not think or talk about it. That in and of its self makes it hard to move past whatever the issue maybe. A few times over the years things have had an impact that's hard to forget and let go of. Many times the only way to move on is to remove whatever is causing the issue entirely and allow time to heal and recover. There are times when it's other people that cause the problem, and when they can't understand the impact of their words or actions and know when to say when, its hard to find that time and space to heal. Because then the emotions have no time to die off and not be so prevalent, how do you tell someone that their presence is causing so much damage, it seems nearly unrecoverable? It's never an easy position to be in, but that is when it has be to weighed against the ripple effect its causing. But when people still don't comprehend what you're trying to tell them, what steps are supposed to be taken? It's nearly impossible to not get angry and lash out at everything, due to the fact that it seems like there is no understanding on anyone's part. It makes it look like the pain in frustration is never going to end, how many things do you have to do and say for things to be understood? It's hard to know when to move on and try to let the pain go when things are so fresh. There is no easy way to go when open wounds haven't healed and it feels like everything is crashing. Trying to rebuild and realign is never easy. I guess the only thing that can be done is to move on a step at a time, and try to fix the damage that's been done. Healing everything little by little til the only thing left is a small scar, as a reminder for the work and the strength that's been shown. Look at what you have and see what's important, and walk forward hand in hand together. No matter how hard it is or may seem, you can't ever give up hope in the ones you love.

Well thanks for the guilt trip but...

Well today was pretty good, until the people I assumed would support me, knocked me down and tried to make me feel bad for the things I've written. I deleted one of my posts, however I am not sorry I wrote it. Yes it affected more than just me, but I can't pretend it didn't anymore. And if they want to go on pretending like it was never "that" bad then leave me out of it and let me be. Sometimes you have to help others by first helping yourself, and I knew no one would ever broach the topic. So I did. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't to make everyone look bad, or to hang out anyone's dirty laundry.

I have made it to the point, I can't pretend things from my past haven't affected how I am as a person. Or how I feel towards people in my life. This blog is for me to talk about how I feel about things and how they effected ME. I know people won't always like it, and if you don't then by all means by pass it and move on. I have tried and tried over the years to help and you know pretending and ignoring things doesn't help. There have been times when in a bad situation I have tried to divert attention to me to take it off of who was catching the brunt of it, and it never helped. But I tried, and the fact nothing has changed should prove that what everyone else is doing isn't working. Being afraid someone will find out something that they didn't know previously is ridiculace, in this family most of the issues we've had is far far from a secret. The only thing is that no one says anything, but that does not mean people are not aware of the situation.

I needed to open up for myself, to ease some of the pain, not just numb it. Maybe something good could have come out of it and we could have all had a support system, but you took almost any chance of that away. I am tired of being turned into the bad guy, I DIDN'T do anything WRONG! Just because you don't understand or wouldn't approach it in the way I did does NOT make it wrong. My family means everything to me, but if things I've gone through and things I've felt are too much for you to handle, I am not sorry, I didn't do it to myself, so please try to understand. Nothing I write or say is to make you mad or look bad, its just the truth and how I have perceived things over the years. Maybe we could try to fix it together instead of just trying to chew me up spit me and out and make me feel guilty about how I feel.

I love my family more than anything but I want us to be close again, and the things that go on don't make that possible. And how I feel should be understood, not taken as a personal attack. Please understand I did this to release things that have been brewing for years. Come to an understanding, think before you decide that everything I say was against you.