Me, Myself, and all the crap that means :P

There are somethings about me that are difficult to explain and understand even for me. But I am going to try to work through that right now. I am one of those people that wear my heart on my sleeve and every emotion I ever feel is easy to notice, unless you're blind and deaf. Hiding and holding in what I'm feeling has never been something that comes easy. Everything I do or say has some sort of feeling behind it. I can't help it, I love easily, but I can hate someone just as easily. There isn't a lot of room for grey area with me, because that has caused hurt and pain in the past, to avoid the hurt and pain I have a tendency to see things as very black and white. This is hard for people that are close to me to understand, but if I didn't do it like that, I'd be broken even easier. There are times when I can deal with the little things that bother me and try to write them off, but if enough little things happen, they'll ball up into one big thing that can't be held in or ignored any longer. Frustration is something I try to deal with daily, and occasionally I can but there are days when I just can't deal any longer. And sometimes that is just because after all the things I've gone through I would think the issues that cause the frustration wouldn't happen (at least not often). And when they continue to happen, its a combination of hurt, anger, sadness and disappointment, that is hard to express. I talk about what's bothering me quite a bit, sometimes to a point it makes those close to me crazy, but if I didn't I wouldn't be able to work through my emotions they would just be constantly there like they have their own pulse. I admit to occasionally blowing things out of proportion, not trying to make excuses for it, but it's that old saying shit rolls down hill, and when the shit keeps piling up one thing after another its hard to not have one little thing be the breaking point. I don't talk to a lot of people, because I don't like to tick people off, and lots of people have a hard time understanding what I'm talking about. And the thought of being judged and picked apart by people isn't something I handle very well. Been dealing with a lot of people that are very good at pretending they care but in the end just taking off all together for whatever reason, and there isn't much worse of a feeling than being totally honest with someone and in the end rejected for it. Life is hard enough without that, I left highschool a long time ago, and there by people being so judgmental is just beyond me. Anyway, I've tried to change how I am, but its never an easy thing to do. Progress is slow and difficult and sometimes nonexistent, but the truth is I will keep trying to not allow so many to take the heart that I have and walk all over it, to just hand it back to me mangled and broken.

People and Drama

One thing I have tried to do is not write about things I don't have a lot of experience in. I have had way more experiences than I care to admit to, good, bad, and ugly. I have had people that I thought were close friends fall off the map, for reasons beyond me. I have had close friends turn into sales people, as in that's the only reason they talk to me anymore is to try to get me to sign up for or sell something. Its gotten severely frustrating. When I do see people the question always it "what are you doing now?". And when I say well I stay at home with the kids, the common response is "wow must be nice to have enough money to do that." Why because I stay home does that mean I am loaded? I am far from it! I am lucky if I can get all the bills paid in a single month without cutting out essential things, like groceries or clothes for the kids. I haven't bought a new pair of shoes for myself in almost three years. It frustrates me that I have to explain how I can afford to stay home. I don't ask you how can you afford to drive all over kingdom come and go out to do all these extra things and still live. I don't go do anything and you wonder how I can afford to stay home???

I have had lots of judgment placed on me for things that have happened over the years. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends, mostly because girls are dramatic, and most guys aren't. But just because I have male friends, does not mean I am secretly sleeping with them. A lot of the time when I have had a hoard of girl friends, nothing is a secret, and everybody seems to know everything. Secrets have been a foreign concept to most. It at one point got to the extent that I wouldn't talk about anything going on for fear of judgment not understanding or input, just lots and lots of judgment. I tried very hard to keep things to myself.

When I worked the whole place was a giant rumor mill, from regular customers, coworkers, management, and whoever, always seemed to know everything, even things that you didn't know were going on. Every time I talked to someone this giant mess of crap would "come out" and I would be given the third degree by any and everyone. Even if none of it was true, it would just be me in denial. I would hope I would know whats going on in my life, but apparently everyone else has always known better than I did. When did personal start meaning public?

I guess I am just feeling frustrated with humanity, I could write a book about everyone elses bull crap I have heard over the years, but unlike some I know when it's not my job to judge, or advertise people's skeletons, eventually they will do a fine job of that on their own.

People will always thrive on the drama, that is why I have learned to keep my drama to myself! (well for the most part anyway ) :)