10 things you don't say to your wife (unless you like the couch)

To all the husbands out there these are the things that will get you banished to the couch:

1. Do you need new razor blades or something?

2. Whats the matter have you started your period.

3. Is that supposed to fit like that?

4. So what is your thought on boob jobs?

5. That looked different before the kids.

6. You're in decent shape for having two little ones.

7. You a lot like youre mom.

8. Thats not how my mom did it.

9. Honey is that really how you're going to make that?

10. I heard kegels would help with that.

I figured if we were doing one for the girls we should do one for the guys. A sense of humor is an amazing thing. :)

10 things not to say to your Husband before bed.

Things not to say to your husband at night:

1. Why do you smell like a sweaty crotch covered in cow poo?

2. Remember when you used to look like that?

3. You don't need that snack cake. How bout a carrot.

4. So that's what a chicken gizzard looks like.

5. Have they always hung that low?

6. Don't forget to put your contacts in, no excuses for using the wrong entry.

7. Have you really always been this hairy?

8. You should get that looked at.

9. Those underwear have a blast pattern.

10. Some woman saw you hanging out of your fly, Did she laugh?

I just couldn't help this one we had a good time coming up with variations on things I've said to him over the years, we all could use a good laugh once in a while.

Professions I never thought I would enter

There are some things I never thought I would have to be when I became a parent. At first you think of yourself as a mother, then the more you think about it the more you realize that you could actually qualify for a few more positions. Here's a few that I have had to become over the last five years:

1. nurse; am I now qualified to fix any boo boo, clear up any sore tummies, or anything else that requires a bandage, or a nice cold glass of ginger ale.

2. referee; I don't know how many times I wished I had a whistle, as I'm yelling over the madness, for everyone to get back to their corners.

3. chef; trying to make something out of the three things left in the freezer might seem easy, but you have to make it look like its edible, its amazing what pasta sauce and cheese will do to almost anything.

4. inventor; I can't count the amount of times I have had to attach rubber bands to some sort of spoon or spatula to make a catapult device, and then try to fashion it into a multi-functional air born contraption.

5. superhero assistant; I am the maker of capes, masks, vehicles, and walkie talkies to assist in the saving of the town in my living room.

6. anatomy professor; am the new found expert at explaining why girls, go potty sitting down. Also, at the differences between a woman's breasts, and someone on tvs "furry man boobs".

7. scientist, finding the right combination of cleaners and scrub brushes that remove stains from counter tops stoves, cupboards, shirts, pants, blankets, furniture, carpet, and the almighty stuffed animal.

8. photographer; incessantly trying to get the perfect picture with no tears, boogers, food stains, or marker tattoos. prior to the happy time leaving.

9. rope maker; I can now make a lasso out of anything and occasionally have it actually work. Then I can find the perfect size "cow", or "pig" to chase down and tie up.

10. director of lost and found; I can find anything lost in a two acre area, sometimes just by vacuuming and shifting through the inside of the dust catcher, or by looking in a place I have never used, but seems to be the perfect place for someone pirate treasure.

There are probably a lot more if I really sat and thought about it, but I really think everyone who can think of a list like this should be able to add it to the resume with as many years experience as the children are old. Man I really think that should make you qualified for almost anything. Or at least be able to put in for income from somewhere. Oh lets not forget, slayer of dragons and monsters, pirate, gymnastics coach, dance instructor, bus driver, swimming instructor, bank robber, cop, cowboy, and last but not least the all knowing oracle and fortune teller.