Losing my mind at home

I don't always like being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel as if its more stressful than a regular job. At least with a 9 to 5 you can leave work at work (most of the time). With staying at home its just always there 24 hours a day. It can get mind numbing, doing the same thing over and over again everyday. I thought about going back to work, but financially it didn't make sense. I know that sounds crazy, but with the price of day care for 2 kids 8 hours a day swing shift, and gas in the car it would cost me more to work than I would get paid. I love my kids and they can be tons of fun, sometimes though just feeling constantly at everyone's beck and call starts to make me crazy. Its hard to find time for myself in this situation, but I need it so bad sometimes just to rein in the insanity and make it manageable.

Guilt starts to creep up on me sometimes. I know there are a lot of people out there that would give anything to stay at home with their kids and spend time with them, and here I am thinking about how crazy it makes me sometimes. But then again some people get date night, no kids just each other, time to reconnect. I am not one of those lucky ones. My reconnect time is between 11pm and 1am when the kids are sleeping, and its cut short by the need for sleep. Then in the morning it all starts over again, kids get breakfast, start picking up the mess from the night before, laundry, cleaning up everyone's nasty leave behinds in the bathroom, vacuum, scrub, wash, rotate, over and over again. It just seems like a never ending battle.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, well then I am insane. That's what I do every single day. No holidays, no weekends off, no vacation, no raise, not a lot of appreciation. Everything is expected or assumed, I am here so it should be done, and occasionally I feel the same way. Other times I think I'm only one person how can I do it all by myself all the time. I've learned that if I let things go and "take it easy" and relax through the day I will pay for it later. What I didn't do will be twice as bad as it was before, because no one else will be here to assist. I don't know what to do to ease the frustration. I've tried to change up the routine, that only gets so far, I still have to do all the same things regardless of order, and then I learned why I do it in the same order all the time (no point in cleaning something to dirty another). Who do you ask for help when there is no one available? Where do you turn, when you know you're losing your mind?

I miss looking forward to time off. Goals to reach, like a promotion or a raise. Something to show for my hard work, something to strive for, besides a clean house. Where are the signs of progress? The thank you for all you do, just the forward progression. Basically being my own boss might sound great, but you can't give yourself a thank you and have it mean diddly.