Been a while

It's been a while since I could find the time to write, so I'm going to try to make up for it a bit. I really missed having the ability to vent. Some things I've learned recently are: people aren't always what they seem, some people walk out of your life and instead of leaving an impression leave a festering wound, and life throws you obstacles sometimes that seem like too much to bear but you still have to have the courage to face them.

I've done some regrettable things in the past, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if those mistakes more of a way for me to learn something about myself. Don't get me wrong there are times I wish life would have thrown me different kinds of obstacles just so they wouldn't have left me so wounded or vulnerable  I now have regrettably began closing myself off to people trying very hard not to let them get too close for fear of rejection, or the inevitability of them walking away from me for reasons I can't begin to fathom.

My husband calls it being jaded, and wants me to not close off to people so much, which is extremely ironic if I really sit and think about it since he was always the one picking up the pieces of me and putting them back together. I try really hard to be myself but more often then not conform myself to what other people think or want me to be. It becomes exhausting trying to keep up with the many versions of myself I have floating around. I'm not entirely sure how to change it and just be myself...So in relation to that I'm going to admit a few things here about how I really am...

• I can be extremely emotional, even if I put up a front my emotions are right under the surface.
• Anyone I have ever considered a friend even if they wrong me are still in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I never really stop caring (sometimes I wish I could)
• I don't enjoy confrontation, but sometimes I really just can't hold in the frustration anymore
• If you were ever an enemy of mine in one form or another, know for a fact that hasn't changed. I might forgive those that deserve it (not many by the way) but I never forget.
• My heart is easily broken by people that I care about, I'm quick to try to fix it, but somehow the thing that went wrong is always in the back of my head and I wonder if there was something I could do to prevent the pain in the first place.
• My kids are my universe, but sometimes I just really need a break to feel like an individual once in a while.
• My best friend I have ever had is my husband he understands me better than most even if sometimes he gets frustrated with me, I cant picture myself with anyone else.

I know this one isn't terribly organized but it's at least a start. I hope to be able to write more in the near future if the kids are will to work with me. Feel free to leave your thoughts, I'm gonna go do the dishes now ;)

Take a second to look

There are somethings I just don't understand, how can people have little to no understanding about how the things they do and say affect other people. Everything that happens has a ripple effect, and careless thoughts and actions can have negative impacts on everything. People need to think before they act and speak, because it is never apparent what can happen if you don't bother to take a step back and look before you leap.

Things that don't seem painful, or hurtful, can ultimately cause more hurt and pain than can ever be imagined. Just because you say one thing and don't see what harm it could do, does not mean that if someone else sees it that it won't have any meaning for them. Different people have things affect them in different ways, just because it doesn't do anything to you directly does not mean that someone else won't feel something because of it.

Consideration for others does not seem to be a priority for very many. I am by no means saying that I haven't done it, but the point is that you have to take a lesson from the things you have done and try desperately hard not to do them again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, so why not take the time to think previous to doing?

I have to consider my entirely family before I do anything, what they could think or what they could feel. And when other people do not have that consideration when saying or doing something that affects me. It then has to become my job to inform them who all their being inconsiderate is affecting. It is no longer just about me its about everyone in my life. And if that cannot be understood, then they have to politely move themselves along. The last few weeks have been rather difficult because of ripple affects from other people and them not being able to understand it. Its been something that has had a great affect on myself and family, and its been a process trying to put it all back in line, but hopefully if people can begin to have some thoughts about someone other than themselves, it won't be a problem any longer.

In conclusion to all people out there, think before you speak or act, about who and what you're affecting, you never know what kind of damage you could be causing.

Moving on

Sometimes in a marriage, its hard to let things go and move on. Especially when it affects so many things in one way or another. The ripple affect can be worse than whatever caused the first problem. I don't know about anyone else, but for me when something hurts its difficult to not think or talk about it. That in and of its self makes it hard to move past whatever the issue maybe. A few times over the years things have had an impact that's hard to forget and let go of. Many times the only way to move on is to remove whatever is causing the issue entirely and allow time to heal and recover. There are times when it's other people that cause the problem, and when they can't understand the impact of their words or actions and know when to say when, its hard to find that time and space to heal. Because then the emotions have no time to die off and not be so prevalent, how do you tell someone that their presence is causing so much damage, it seems nearly unrecoverable? It's never an easy position to be in, but that is when it has be to weighed against the ripple effect its causing. But when people still don't comprehend what you're trying to tell them, what steps are supposed to be taken? It's nearly impossible to not get angry and lash out at everything, due to the fact that it seems like there is no understanding on anyone's part. It makes it look like the pain in frustration is never going to end, how many things do you have to do and say for things to be understood? It's hard to know when to move on and try to let the pain go when things are so fresh. There is no easy way to go when open wounds haven't healed and it feels like everything is crashing. Trying to rebuild and realign is never easy. I guess the only thing that can be done is to move on a step at a time, and try to fix the damage that's been done. Healing everything little by little til the only thing left is a small scar, as a reminder for the work and the strength that's been shown. Look at what you have and see what's important, and walk forward hand in hand together. No matter how hard it is or may seem, you can't ever give up hope in the ones you love.

Well thanks for the guilt trip but...

Well today was pretty good, until the people I assumed would support me, knocked me down and tried to make me feel bad for the things I've written. I deleted one of my posts, however I am not sorry I wrote it. Yes it affected more than just me, but I can't pretend it didn't anymore. And if they want to go on pretending like it was never "that" bad then leave me out of it and let me be. Sometimes you have to help others by first helping yourself, and I knew no one would ever broach the topic. So I did. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't to make everyone look bad, or to hang out anyone's dirty laundry.

I have made it to the point, I can't pretend things from my past haven't affected how I am as a person. Or how I feel towards people in my life. This blog is for me to talk about how I feel about things and how they effected ME. I know people won't always like it, and if you don't then by all means by pass it and move on. I have tried and tried over the years to help and you know pretending and ignoring things doesn't help. There have been times when in a bad situation I have tried to divert attention to me to take it off of who was catching the brunt of it, and it never helped. But I tried, and the fact nothing has changed should prove that what everyone else is doing isn't working. Being afraid someone will find out something that they didn't know previously is ridiculace, in this family most of the issues we've had is far far from a secret. The only thing is that no one says anything, but that does not mean people are not aware of the situation.

I needed to open up for myself, to ease some of the pain, not just numb it. Maybe something good could have come out of it and we could have all had a support system, but you took almost any chance of that away. I am tired of being turned into the bad guy, I DIDN'T do anything WRONG! Just because you don't understand or wouldn't approach it in the way I did does NOT make it wrong. My family means everything to me, but if things I've gone through and things I've felt are too much for you to handle, I am not sorry, I didn't do it to myself, so please try to understand. Nothing I write or say is to make you mad or look bad, its just the truth and how I have perceived things over the years. Maybe we could try to fix it together instead of just trying to chew me up spit me and out and make me feel guilty about how I feel.

I love my family more than anything but I want us to be close again, and the things that go on don't make that possible. And how I feel should be understood, not taken as a personal attack. Please understand I did this to release things that have been brewing for years. Come to an understanding, think before you decide that everything I say was against you.

How I survived infidelity in my marriage

I didn't really think I would ever want to talk about this. However, its been quite a few years and in a way it made our relationship what it is today. Now it seems like the time to let it all out and get it off of my chest.

My husband and I have been together for almost eight years. Some times it feels like it started just yesterday (we'll when you don't count the kids). It certainly has not been without its trials and tribulations, sometimes the list of difficult things is just way too long to think about. We've both are very hard headed and opininated, which can mean large loud battles over little stupid things. Eventually all the little stupid things turn into big ugly problems than seem nearly impossible to fix.

We go married in the summer, before my 20th birthday, and by the fall I was pregnant with our first child. At first we we're both so excited and couldn't wait for him to get here. Then when the second trimester started it all started to change. We started fighting over everything, and there was no relief in sight. Our friends weren't much help, they moved into where we were staying. It went from me and him living in his grandparents basement, to me him and all of his friends all sleeping and staying in the same room. It finally got to the point that the stress was too much. I went to stay with my mom for a night, I saw it as sometime to regain some composure. He saw it as the end, and I didn't hear or see him for nearly a week.

After that first week, I saw him off and on for small amounts of time. And at first there being someone else didn't even occur to me, until our mutual friends kept asking me who the girl was he was bringing everywhere. At first I just let it go and tried not to think about what he was doing. Then I crossed paths with him when they were together. Before I even had the chance to say something he was denying it, so I yet again tried not to think about it. He started to come see me more and try to work things out a piece at a time.

I moved three hours away with my parents, and we kept in contact by phone until he finally decided where he needed to be. I asked him repeatedly if he had ever done anything with the girl I had seen him with. I heard no for years after, and I never entirely believed it. Fast forward a couple years and we get into this big blow up, and he starts telling me what a horrible person he is. Calling himself a cheater and a horrible excuse for a husband. Then it hit me what he was trying to say, and I was devastated. All that time we spent building up our trust and working through all of it and what in my heart I had always known was true. He'd cheated on me.

Then the now what began, do I leave, do I try again to build it up from scratch and start over one more time. I really didn't know if I could do it again. I felt like I had been betrayed twice, and I didn't know if I wanted to risk getting hurt, or finding out there was other things that would come out later. Our son at the time was almost two and the thought of tearing his world apart killed me, and as much as it had hurt finding my worst fear confirmed, I wasn't ready to call it quits. I'd spent the better part of my life in this marriage and had been through way to much to not give it one more shot. And that is one decision I have never regretted.

It wasn't easy, especially with the kind of profession he's in, it involves a lot of travel and can mean lots of time away from home. I started checking his phone, email, and whatever else I could think of that would give him access to anyone else but me. We would sit down and talk about how we felt about what had happened at least a few times a month, the tears would come from both of us, and the rebuilding had begun. One brick at a time, I started to let it go and allow the trust to come back, and he became so dedicated to me and our son there wasn't time for much else. He never once told me it was my fault and that meant so much to me because for a long time I swore it was. Every time I had a question or wanted to understand the why or when or whatever, he would answer without a hesitation. And I know some people wouldn't want to know but it really helped me begin to understand what had happened.

I look back on that time in our life now as a learning experience. Acceptance and forgiveness for the hurt we have caused each other, in one way or another. And the need to forgive in order to move on and let the past be, but I know not to forget and not to let it run your life. If neither one of us could have moved past it we wouldn't be where we are now, 2 beautiful children, a nice place of our own, a strong relationship, and an understanding of each other that I didn't think was possible. Sometimes it still hurts to think about whats happened, but without the problems and the drama, we would never have lasted. Blindly going through a relationship without stopping to understand why something bad happened and what went wrong will doom a relationship from the beginning, and being able to talk about everything the good the bad the ugly the pain.We now know working through it as a couple to protect against it happening again is the only thing that has saved us and kept us going. I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world more good than bad came out of one night of infidelity and without it who knows where we would be now.