The intimacy

So I guess I'm going to hit on an little bit R rated topic today. Be prepared, this could be interesting. I was thinking about sex after children, and about how different it is prior to the bundles of joy arriving. There were times when we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and wouldn't even make it out of the driveway. Still makes me smile to think about that. But anymore, we're lucky to find the time and energy to even make an attempt at it. It was hard even being pregnant, I've read that lots of women, gain a bigger sex drive. I was not one of those, I felt like someone else had taken over my body, I was round and everything felt foreign. It didn't turn me on it made me feel like a leper. Don't get me wrong I still had a sex drive, but only when I was alone, the thought of anyone touching me made me want to cry.

It's been a constant process adjusting to the changes in my body, permanent and temporary over the years, and trying to find a balance between time with the kids, and time with each other. It's one of those things your very naive about until you're actually going through it. Initially I never really thought we would have issues in that department, because everything came so naturally. But the more years we've been together, the more unique ways we have to find to keep it "fresh". The excitement of a new relationship fades, and sometimes you fall into a routine. And sad to say one of the first things that starts to go is the sex and intimacy. Adjusting to new roles, makes it easy to forget other needs.

At first when he would try to talk to me about how he was feeling, I would get so upset that it would just turn into a fight. It got to the point the mention of anything sexual caused frustration on every ones part. For a while we just quit trying. We didn't want to fight, so we just let it sit there on the back burner. Thinking that eventually it would fix it's self. It took a lot of reflection to realize that that wasn't happening.

Finally we had to sit down and have a long talk about what it was that was holding everything back, it took days, to get through it all. Then it was like having to start from scratch, holding hands, actually hugging each other without rushing through it. Slow gentle kisses, a soft caress, just taking it one step at a time to reignite the attraction and the passion that had been lying dormant for so long. There are times when you need to approach subjects that make you feel vulnerable, or sad, and be willing to leave yourself open to criticism on all sides. Just to start the process of fixing it all.  Now one look and one touch and the heat starts to rise, and I can say we finally made it back to where we needed to be. But if we hadn't put all the hurt and frustration out on the table, we probably wouldn't be where we are today.

Once you add sex into a relationship, it becomes something that needs to be maintained and appreciated, just like anything else. After its there is something that is as much a need as talking, it is not something you can just take away and not expect repercussions. Sex can't be everything in a relationship, but it also can't be erased from it, without taking away something that is of great value to it.

Losing my mind at home

I don't always like being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel as if its more stressful than a regular job. At least with a 9 to 5 you can leave work at work (most of the time). With staying at home its just always there 24 hours a day. It can get mind numbing, doing the same thing over and over again everyday. I thought about going back to work, but financially it didn't make sense. I know that sounds crazy, but with the price of day care for 2 kids 8 hours a day swing shift, and gas in the car it would cost me more to work than I would get paid. I love my kids and they can be tons of fun, sometimes though just feeling constantly at everyone's beck and call starts to make me crazy. Its hard to find time for myself in this situation, but I need it so bad sometimes just to rein in the insanity and make it manageable.

Guilt starts to creep up on me sometimes. I know there are a lot of people out there that would give anything to stay at home with their kids and spend time with them, and here I am thinking about how crazy it makes me sometimes. But then again some people get date night, no kids just each other, time to reconnect. I am not one of those lucky ones. My reconnect time is between 11pm and 1am when the kids are sleeping, and its cut short by the need for sleep. Then in the morning it all starts over again, kids get breakfast, start picking up the mess from the night before, laundry, cleaning up everyone's nasty leave behinds in the bathroom, vacuum, scrub, wash, rotate, over and over again. It just seems like a never ending battle.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, well then I am insane. That's what I do every single day. No holidays, no weekends off, no vacation, no raise, not a lot of appreciation. Everything is expected or assumed, I am here so it should be done, and occasionally I feel the same way. Other times I think I'm only one person how can I do it all by myself all the time. I've learned that if I let things go and "take it easy" and relax through the day I will pay for it later. What I didn't do will be twice as bad as it was before, because no one else will be here to assist. I don't know what to do to ease the frustration. I've tried to change up the routine, that only gets so far, I still have to do all the same things regardless of order, and then I learned why I do it in the same order all the time (no point in cleaning something to dirty another). Who do you ask for help when there is no one available? Where do you turn, when you know you're losing your mind?

I miss looking forward to time off. Goals to reach, like a promotion or a raise. Something to show for my hard work, something to strive for, besides a clean house. Where are the signs of progress? The thank you for all you do, just the forward progression. Basically being my own boss might sound great, but you can't give yourself a thank you and have it mean diddly.