You know you're a parent when...

You know you're a parent when...


1. 8:30 am is sleeping in....

2. When you take a bath you have to fish the toys out before you run the tub.

3. You know all the lines to all the nick jr. tv shows...

4. None of the locks work, for fear someone will get stuck in them

5. Where there was beer, now there are juice boxes

6. All your dishes are plastic to avoid shattering

7. Going out to dinner with the family, means drive through, and happy meal toys

8. Your flowerbeds/ garden, become a sand box

9. It takes 45 minutes to get into the driveway to leave

10. going to the store is like going to the races, the quickest one out with a child still happy wins.

There are plenty more ways to tell, stretch marks, toys everywhere, and finding random things stuffed in behind and around the furniture. All of it is a sign that your children exist, but at least you know they love you , you love them, and everyone can see the fun and humor in everyday life. My kids might stress me out and have changed my life beyond measure, but they are the greatest thing to ever happen to me in more ways than I can count. (now I have to stop, to try to get one to take a nap and stop sneaking the toys into bed with him)

A formal lesson in frustration when shopping with children

I remember before I had kids seeing people in the store with kids screaming, crying, and running all over the place, and I used to think "wow why isn't that kid's parent doing anything about that?". Then I had kids, I have been to the store, and stared in horror as my son threw himself on the floor and flailed around, over wanting one of the TV carts. Or found things in the cart as we were leaving that he had decided he wanted and put in front of cart with him (not a normal cart, but the one with the little car at the end). I have seen and been through every fit and tantrum possible, not to mention multiple trips to the bathroom (sometimes finding my cart gone and had to start all over again). I've gotten those looks from strangers that seem to say "why aren't you handling that?", or from the ones that can relate its the "oh god I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad that's not me" (I'm guilty of that one too).

Sometimes I see those moms or dads walking though the store with kids younger than my oldest, walking nicely next to the cart not saying or touching anything. It makes me want to run up and ask how they get them to do that. I figured out really quickly that what I used to think was bad parenting isn't always the case, sometimes as a parent in the store you become at a loss as to how to handle it without leaving and coming back at midnight without the children. I have been so embarrassed over my son's tantrums, and my girl's fitting from not wanting to be in the seat that I didn't think I could make it down two aisles. Nothing is more uncomfortable than having people stare at your children like they're possessed. I thought about telling this one old lady "oh don't worry its a side affect" just to get her to stop shaking her head at me. I have to admit that sometimes I get a little bit of enjoyment watching someone else dealing with a tantrum, because then for once its not my kids.

I will give the kids a little bit of credit though, sometimes its funny to get the people staring because they're singing a silly song really loud. Or make those insane happy sounds that could break glass. I find it funny, because I know its not a fit so I smile, sing and dance along. With the stares of complete strangers and looks of confusion following me down the aisle. Little do they know with in the next four aisles my smiling and singing will turn into looks of terror and petrification as the singing turns into loud begging and escape attempts.

Not the Stereotypical Stay-at-home Mother

So I got to thinking today about some of the stereotypical, stay at home mom things, and realized, I really don't fit the stereo type. I might stay at home, but I am not any good at baking. I hate to dust, and I really wish I got paid better for the things I clean out of my bathroom. Being a stay at home mom might have its perks but it has some serious pitfalls too. There is no calling in sick or playing hooky you are always on duty. Even though I'm home all the time my house is not immaculately clean or organized, I don't keep my kids on a strict schedule (when I tried that all it did was frustrate us all), When they're hungry I let them have a snack. Bribery is not a foreign concept, when I need ten minutes of peace and quiet, and sometimes toys get "lost" when I clean the playroom. I will admit to getting into a full out screaming match with my 4 year old, (I don't win those very often). And sometimes the TV is my best friend.

Everyone needs that time to disconnect from their "profession", my profession just happens to be something I can't just unplug from. I have done some things that  aren't recommended in those parenting books, or those nanny shows, but my kids are well taken care of and don't seem to be suffering any worse for it. I've been called a mean mommy by my son when I have taken away his favorite toy as punishment for doing something wrong. But then when I let him have ice cream or cookies right after cereal, so I can at least get the floor vacuumed I am the best mom ever.

Oh and watch out I took him to an appointment and the nurse said my son was overweight and I didn't panic or freak out. He is FOUR not fourteen, his favorite foods are carrots and celery (seriously, not even with dressing or dip), and when he stands up straight and lifts his arms up his ribs stick out. What to they expect me to do, make all our lives miserable, because he isn't pencil thin and banned from ALL snacks?

Homemaker might be my profession, but that does not mean I have to do it the way everyone else thinks it should be done. We have fun, and yes we argue, and sometimes the house is a wreck, and sometimes I'd rather order takeout than dirty one more dish for the hundredth time, but there is no reason to look at me like I'm killing my child, I promise he might start fitting now, but when I give in to the next demand all will be right with his world.

My "four" kids

Sometimes men amaze me to no end, well at least mine anyway. One thing that I have never understood is his ability to tone everything out and ignore it all. If I have a kid screaming in my ear my first reaction to the shrill is my ears fall off, then I try to stop it asap so I can put them back on. With him it's like he doesn't have any ears at all, except when he compensates by turning the volume up on the tv or computer, then it just makes me think hes actually deaf. Another thing that I just do get is how he can see a piece of trash on the floor and instead of putting in the TRASH CAN, either stuffs it in his pocket, behind the couch or in the cushions. So when I look for something in the couch I find enough snack wrappers to wall paper the house.

I guess men just think different, one of those out of sight out of mind moments. He leaves just as big a trail in the morning as the kids do ( I really think he believes the cleaning fairies show up and pick it up). I think one of my favorites is the questions like "where is the toilet paper" like I hide it in some obscure location or something. It makes me giggle though when he starts whistling from the bathroom to get my attention and ask for a towel (our towel cabinet is IN the bathroom). The other task that makes me a little crazy is loading the dishwasher not that he won't do it, its just that he thinks its a miracle worker pre-washing isn't always in his agenda so my agenda is always rechecking the "clean" dishes for food chucks and starting all over again.

Don't get me wrong, he tries really hard to help sometimes, and I appreciate it when he does it without me asking or begging more than anything. Just the way he goes about some things fathoms me. Adding ten extra steps to simple tasks that make them take ten times as long, and then ask why it takes so long. He hates cleaning the bathroom, because there really isn't a way to skip parts without me noticing.

There are those days when I feel like I have four kids (2 actual kids, one dog, and a husband), each leaves a trail of junk from one end of the house to the other. I can tell where everyone has started and finished their morning, starting with the trail of clothes, then cereal bowls, cups, food left out, toothbrushes all over the counter, towels, papers, and whatever else was needed. It's frustrating having to be everyone's mother and alarm clock, I think some of this needs to be added to pre-nups, vows, and marriage licenses. All I can really say is nothing will prepare you entirely for marriage and children, but I will firmly recommend at least staying with your significant other before you get married, so the surprises aren't as shocking. There is a lot more to it than just playing house.

Just as an added note I will give him some credit he takes everything I write in stride, and give his in put before and after posting. At least he doesn't mind being my inspiration either in examples of frustration or happiness!

Losing my mind at home

I don't always like being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel as if its more stressful than a regular job. At least with a 9 to 5 you can leave work at work (most of the time). With staying at home its just always there 24 hours a day. It can get mind numbing, doing the same thing over and over again everyday. I thought about going back to work, but financially it didn't make sense. I know that sounds crazy, but with the price of day care for 2 kids 8 hours a day swing shift, and gas in the car it would cost me more to work than I would get paid. I love my kids and they can be tons of fun, sometimes though just feeling constantly at everyone's beck and call starts to make me crazy. Its hard to find time for myself in this situation, but I need it so bad sometimes just to rein in the insanity and make it manageable.

Guilt starts to creep up on me sometimes. I know there are a lot of people out there that would give anything to stay at home with their kids and spend time with them, and here I am thinking about how crazy it makes me sometimes. But then again some people get date night, no kids just each other, time to reconnect. I am not one of those lucky ones. My reconnect time is between 11pm and 1am when the kids are sleeping, and its cut short by the need for sleep. Then in the morning it all starts over again, kids get breakfast, start picking up the mess from the night before, laundry, cleaning up everyone's nasty leave behinds in the bathroom, vacuum, scrub, wash, rotate, over and over again. It just seems like a never ending battle.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, well then I am insane. That's what I do every single day. No holidays, no weekends off, no vacation, no raise, not a lot of appreciation. Everything is expected or assumed, I am here so it should be done, and occasionally I feel the same way. Other times I think I'm only one person how can I do it all by myself all the time. I've learned that if I let things go and "take it easy" and relax through the day I will pay for it later. What I didn't do will be twice as bad as it was before, because no one else will be here to assist. I don't know what to do to ease the frustration. I've tried to change up the routine, that only gets so far, I still have to do all the same things regardless of order, and then I learned why I do it in the same order all the time (no point in cleaning something to dirty another). Who do you ask for help when there is no one available? Where do you turn, when you know you're losing your mind?

I miss looking forward to time off. Goals to reach, like a promotion or a raise. Something to show for my hard work, something to strive for, besides a clean house. Where are the signs of progress? The thank you for all you do, just the forward progression. Basically being my own boss might sound great, but you can't give yourself a thank you and have it mean diddly. 

Professions I never thought I would enter

There are some things I never thought I would have to be when I became a parent. At first you think of yourself as a mother, then the more you think about it the more you realize that you could actually qualify for a few more positions. Here's a few that I have had to become over the last five years:

1. nurse; am I now qualified to fix any boo boo, clear up any sore tummies, or anything else that requires a bandage, or a nice cold glass of ginger ale.

2. referee; I don't know how many times I wished I had a whistle, as I'm yelling over the madness, for everyone to get back to their corners.

3. chef; trying to make something out of the three things left in the freezer might seem easy, but you have to make it look like its edible, its amazing what pasta sauce and cheese will do to almost anything.

4. inventor; I can't count the amount of times I have had to attach rubber bands to some sort of spoon or spatula to make a catapult device, and then try to fashion it into a multi-functional air born contraption.

5. superhero assistant; I am the maker of capes, masks, vehicles, and walkie talkies to assist in the saving of the town in my living room.

6. anatomy professor; am the new found expert at explaining why girls, go potty sitting down. Also, at the differences between a woman's breasts, and someone on tvs "furry man boobs".

7. scientist, finding the right combination of cleaners and scrub brushes that remove stains from counter tops stoves, cupboards, shirts, pants, blankets, furniture, carpet, and the almighty stuffed animal.

8. photographer; incessantly trying to get the perfect picture with no tears, boogers, food stains, or marker tattoos. prior to the happy time leaving.

9. rope maker; I can now make a lasso out of anything and occasionally have it actually work. Then I can find the perfect size "cow", or "pig" to chase down and tie up.

10. director of lost and found; I can find anything lost in a two acre area, sometimes just by vacuuming and shifting through the inside of the dust catcher, or by looking in a place I have never used, but seems to be the perfect place for someone pirate treasure.

There are probably a lot more if I really sat and thought about it, but I really think everyone who can think of a list like this should be able to add it to the resume with as many years experience as the children are old. Man I really think that should make you qualified for almost anything. Or at least be able to put in for income from somewhere. Oh lets not forget, slayer of dragons and monsters, pirate, gymnastics coach, dance instructor, bus driver, swimming instructor, bank robber, cop, cowboy, and last but not least the all knowing oracle and fortune teller.