Me, Myself, and all the crap that means :P

There are somethings about me that are difficult to explain and understand even for me. But I am going to try to work through that right now. I am one of those people that wear my heart on my sleeve and every emotion I ever feel is easy to notice, unless you're blind and deaf. Hiding and holding in what I'm feeling has never been something that comes easy. Everything I do or say has some sort of feeling behind it. I can't help it, I love easily, but I can hate someone just as easily. There isn't a lot of room for grey area with me, because that has caused hurt and pain in the past, to avoid the hurt and pain I have a tendency to see things as very black and white. This is hard for people that are close to me to understand, but if I didn't do it like that, I'd be broken even easier. There are times when I can deal with the little things that bother me and try to write them off, but if enough little things happen, they'll ball up into one big thing that can't be held in or ignored any longer. Frustration is something I try to deal with daily, and occasionally I can but there are days when I just can't deal any longer. And sometimes that is just because after all the things I've gone through I would think the issues that cause the frustration wouldn't happen (at least not often). And when they continue to happen, its a combination of hurt, anger, sadness and disappointment, that is hard to express. I talk about what's bothering me quite a bit, sometimes to a point it makes those close to me crazy, but if I didn't I wouldn't be able to work through my emotions they would just be constantly there like they have their own pulse. I admit to occasionally blowing things out of proportion, not trying to make excuses for it, but it's that old saying shit rolls down hill, and when the shit keeps piling up one thing after another its hard to not have one little thing be the breaking point. I don't talk to a lot of people, because I don't like to tick people off, and lots of people have a hard time understanding what I'm talking about. And the thought of being judged and picked apart by people isn't something I handle very well. Been dealing with a lot of people that are very good at pretending they care but in the end just taking off all together for whatever reason, and there isn't much worse of a feeling than being totally honest with someone and in the end rejected for it. Life is hard enough without that, I left highschool a long time ago, and there by people being so judgmental is just beyond me. Anyway, I've tried to change how I am, but its never an easy thing to do. Progress is slow and difficult and sometimes nonexistent, but the truth is I will keep trying to not allow so many to take the heart that I have and walk all over it, to just hand it back to me mangled and broken.

Moving on

Sometimes in a marriage, its hard to let things go and move on. Especially when it affects so many things in one way or another. The ripple affect can be worse than whatever caused the first problem. I don't know about anyone else, but for me when something hurts its difficult to not think or talk about it. That in and of its self makes it hard to move past whatever the issue maybe. A few times over the years things have had an impact that's hard to forget and let go of. Many times the only way to move on is to remove whatever is causing the issue entirely and allow time to heal and recover. There are times when it's other people that cause the problem, and when they can't understand the impact of their words or actions and know when to say when, its hard to find that time and space to heal. Because then the emotions have no time to die off and not be so prevalent, how do you tell someone that their presence is causing so much damage, it seems nearly unrecoverable? It's never an easy position to be in, but that is when it has be to weighed against the ripple effect its causing. But when people still don't comprehend what you're trying to tell them, what steps are supposed to be taken? It's nearly impossible to not get angry and lash out at everything, due to the fact that it seems like there is no understanding on anyone's part. It makes it look like the pain in frustration is never going to end, how many things do you have to do and say for things to be understood? It's hard to know when to move on and try to let the pain go when things are so fresh. There is no easy way to go when open wounds haven't healed and it feels like everything is crashing. Trying to rebuild and realign is never easy. I guess the only thing that can be done is to move on a step at a time, and try to fix the damage that's been done. Healing everything little by little til the only thing left is a small scar, as a reminder for the work and the strength that's been shown. Look at what you have and see what's important, and walk forward hand in hand together. No matter how hard it is or may seem, you can't ever give up hope in the ones you love.

How to decide whats a want and whats a need???

Its been been difficult lately to find a way to cut costs for raising prices on everything. Finding a balance between needs and wants has not been an easy process. Especially with spring here and summer right around the corner. There just never seems to be an easy solution to financial problems. Where to cut costs is a hard decision to make, we've been trying to eat healthier, but for some reason all the healthier food costs twice as much. We've come to the decision to start selling everything we don't "need" to try to make ends meet. That alone doesn't come without consequences. Sometimes it just feels like a never ending battle.

 I would like to make it to the point that we can pay all the bills on time, and not have to worry about making it to the next pay check. That possibility seems to be a ways off though. In order to make it my husband has to work almost thirty hours of over time during a pay period, and this time of years any over time is hard to come by. The kids are always taken care of and at least have what they need, but its hard to always have to tell them no to things they want. I never was ready to be in this position and its a hard pill to swallow.  There is supposed to be some relief at the end of summer, when the next raise is supposed to go into affect, but its getting to the end that's the problem.

Everything seems to be building up and getting to a breaking point, and there just isn't anywhere to turn. Everyone is struggling, and its just not an easy time, but finding some solutions is a way more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Eventually everything works out like it should, but how, where, why, when? How much more needs to be sacrificed? I wish I could find answers to my own questions. Just need some relief from the stress and feelings of dread and doubt that seem to linger.