Been a while

It's been a while since I could find the time to write, so I'm going to try to make up for it a bit. I really missed having the ability to vent. Some things I've learned recently are: people aren't always what they seem, some people walk out of your life and instead of leaving an impression leave a festering wound, and life throws you obstacles sometimes that seem like too much to bear but you still have to have the courage to face them.

I've done some regrettable things in the past, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if those mistakes more of a way for me to learn something about myself. Don't get me wrong there are times I wish life would have thrown me different kinds of obstacles just so they wouldn't have left me so wounded or vulnerable  I now have regrettably began closing myself off to people trying very hard not to let them get too close for fear of rejection, or the inevitability of them walking away from me for reasons I can't begin to fathom.

My husband calls it being jaded, and wants me to not close off to people so much, which is extremely ironic if I really sit and think about it since he was always the one picking up the pieces of me and putting them back together. I try really hard to be myself but more often then not conform myself to what other people think or want me to be. It becomes exhausting trying to keep up with the many versions of myself I have floating around. I'm not entirely sure how to change it and just be myself...So in relation to that I'm going to admit a few things here about how I really am...

• I can be extremely emotional, even if I put up a front my emotions are right under the surface.
• Anyone I have ever considered a friend even if they wrong me are still in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I never really stop caring (sometimes I wish I could)
• I don't enjoy confrontation, but sometimes I really just can't hold in the frustration anymore
• If you were ever an enemy of mine in one form or another, know for a fact that hasn't changed. I might forgive those that deserve it (not many by the way) but I never forget.
• My heart is easily broken by people that I care about, I'm quick to try to fix it, but somehow the thing that went wrong is always in the back of my head and I wonder if there was something I could do to prevent the pain in the first place.
• My kids are my universe, but sometimes I just really need a break to feel like an individual once in a while.
• My best friend I have ever had is my husband he understands me better than most even if sometimes he gets frustrated with me, I cant picture myself with anyone else.

I know this one isn't terribly organized but it's at least a start. I hope to be able to write more in the near future if the kids are will to work with me. Feel free to leave your thoughts, I'm gonna go do the dishes now ;)

How to decide whats a want and whats a need???

Its been been difficult lately to find a way to cut costs for raising prices on everything. Finding a balance between needs and wants has not been an easy process. Especially with spring here and summer right around the corner. There just never seems to be an easy solution to financial problems. Where to cut costs is a hard decision to make, we've been trying to eat healthier, but for some reason all the healthier food costs twice as much. We've come to the decision to start selling everything we don't "need" to try to make ends meet. That alone doesn't come without consequences. Sometimes it just feels like a never ending battle.

 I would like to make it to the point that we can pay all the bills on time, and not have to worry about making it to the next pay check. That possibility seems to be a ways off though. In order to make it my husband has to work almost thirty hours of over time during a pay period, and this time of years any over time is hard to come by. The kids are always taken care of and at least have what they need, but its hard to always have to tell them no to things they want. I never was ready to be in this position and its a hard pill to swallow.  There is supposed to be some relief at the end of summer, when the next raise is supposed to go into affect, but its getting to the end that's the problem.

Everything seems to be building up and getting to a breaking point, and there just isn't anywhere to turn. Everyone is struggling, and its just not an easy time, but finding some solutions is a way more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Eventually everything works out like it should, but how, where, why, when? How much more needs to be sacrificed? I wish I could find answers to my own questions. Just need some relief from the stress and feelings of dread and doubt that seem to linger.