Been a while

It's been a while since I could find the time to write, so I'm going to try to make up for it a bit. I really missed having the ability to vent. Some things I've learned recently are: people aren't always what they seem, some people walk out of your life and instead of leaving an impression leave a festering wound, and life throws you obstacles sometimes that seem like too much to bear but you still have to have the courage to face them.

I've done some regrettable things in the past, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if those mistakes more of a way for me to learn something about myself. Don't get me wrong there are times I wish life would have thrown me different kinds of obstacles just so they wouldn't have left me so wounded or vulnerable  I now have regrettably began closing myself off to people trying very hard not to let them get too close for fear of rejection, or the inevitability of them walking away from me for reasons I can't begin to fathom.

My husband calls it being jaded, and wants me to not close off to people so much, which is extremely ironic if I really sit and think about it since he was always the one picking up the pieces of me and putting them back together. I try really hard to be myself but more often then not conform myself to what other people think or want me to be. It becomes exhausting trying to keep up with the many versions of myself I have floating around. I'm not entirely sure how to change it and just be myself...So in relation to that I'm going to admit a few things here about how I really am...

• I can be extremely emotional, even if I put up a front my emotions are right under the surface.
• Anyone I have ever considered a friend even if they wrong me are still in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I never really stop caring (sometimes I wish I could)
• I don't enjoy confrontation, but sometimes I really just can't hold in the frustration anymore
• If you were ever an enemy of mine in one form or another, know for a fact that hasn't changed. I might forgive those that deserve it (not many by the way) but I never forget.
• My heart is easily broken by people that I care about, I'm quick to try to fix it, but somehow the thing that went wrong is always in the back of my head and I wonder if there was something I could do to prevent the pain in the first place.
• My kids are my universe, but sometimes I just really need a break to feel like an individual once in a while.
• My best friend I have ever had is my husband he understands me better than most even if sometimes he gets frustrated with me, I cant picture myself with anyone else.

I know this one isn't terribly organized but it's at least a start. I hope to be able to write more in the near future if the kids are will to work with me. Feel free to leave your thoughts, I'm gonna go do the dishes now ;)

To my husband

Looking back at the way things were. It's been a long road to get where we finally are today, full of bumps and potholes, and sometimes its easy to forget why we are this way. I remember what is was like when we first met, and how we couldn't ever seem to not want to be near each other. Yes things are different now, not because we want them to be but because in a way they have to be. There are times when its hard to look back and see the way things were compared to how they are now.

The first time I looked at you my heart stopped, and I knew there was something different about you. I couldn't stop thinking about you after that. All I wanted was to see you again, to make sure I wasn't imaging things. Then it happened I watched you walk up to me, and felt my heart stop just like it did that first time. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, all I wanted was to be closer to you. When the night ended and we went our separate ways I knew something in me had changed. I felt like part of myself was missing, and I didn't get to figure out why until a few months later.

The next time I ran into you, I couldn't resist asking for you to call me finally. Then when the phone rang just after I walked in the door I felt my heart leap, I have never been so thrilled in my entire life (even though you couldn't remember my name, and by then I was girl with short brown hair). Not long after that, we were nearly inseparable, spent every minute we could together, and when we couldn't be we were on the phone.

I had never felt so connected to anyone even in the beginning, every touch every word felt as if we had been together for years. Always having to be touching something, holding hands or having our knees touch when the hands had to stay in view. Wanting to wake up everyday and just be together no matter what we were doing or what problems we were having, as long as we were together everything would be alright.

Two years pass, and its our wedding day, I have never been so nervous and excited for anything in my life (except for the kids of course). I kept wondering if at some point you were going to change your mind, and run away screaming, and when those doors opened and I walked out and saw you standing there waiting for me, I felt like a princess. I felt so special and important, I never wanted the day to end. Knowing that you wanted to be with me as badly as I did you, was amazing and so overwhelming, it was hard not to cry, just to release all the feelings that were building up inside of me.

Things aren't quite the same as they were we have way more things to worry about besides each other. But I can say with my whole heart you are still the one that makes my heart race, and whose touch makes me feel like a princess. You were made for me and I was made for you, even after all the things we've been through, I have never regretted, walking down that aisle and starting my life anew with you. I wake up each day thanking god for leading me to you, and showing me what I needed. Even when things are bad, the one thing I know in my heart is that I love you and that if I wasn't yours I wouldn't feel like myself. Thank you for choosing me and walking hand in hand with me through this life.

Take a second to look

There are somethings I just don't understand, how can people have little to no understanding about how the things they do and say affect other people. Everything that happens has a ripple effect, and careless thoughts and actions can have negative impacts on everything. People need to think before they act and speak, because it is never apparent what can happen if you don't bother to take a step back and look before you leap.

Things that don't seem painful, or hurtful, can ultimately cause more hurt and pain than can ever be imagined. Just because you say one thing and don't see what harm it could do, does not mean that if someone else sees it that it won't have any meaning for them. Different people have things affect them in different ways, just because it doesn't do anything to you directly does not mean that someone else won't feel something because of it.

Consideration for others does not seem to be a priority for very many. I am by no means saying that I haven't done it, but the point is that you have to take a lesson from the things you have done and try desperately hard not to do them again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, so why not take the time to think previous to doing?

I have to consider my entirely family before I do anything, what they could think or what they could feel. And when other people do not have that consideration when saying or doing something that affects me. It then has to become my job to inform them who all their being inconsiderate is affecting. It is no longer just about me its about everyone in my life. And if that cannot be understood, then they have to politely move themselves along. The last few weeks have been rather difficult because of ripple affects from other people and them not being able to understand it. Its been something that has had a great affect on myself and family, and its been a process trying to put it all back in line, but hopefully if people can begin to have some thoughts about someone other than themselves, it won't be a problem any longer.

In conclusion to all people out there, think before you speak or act, about who and what you're affecting, you never know what kind of damage you could be causing.

Things people should fix lol

1. listen the first time

2. stupidity is not a right its a disease that should be exterminated

3. talking shit, that one should be self explanatory

4. (this is in relation to number 2) if you have a stupidity problem, you will be treated as such

5. if everyday there is some kind of issue find a shrink

6. don't pretend to know everything about everyone (you are not super human no one knows everything)

7. hearing is not the same as listening (I can hear Dora right now that doesn't mean I'm listening to what she's going on about)

8. txting is not the same as verbal communication (I don't care what other people say, its not the same)

9. just because sometimes beer is good, does not mean anyone is a drunk

10. giving space does not mean for a few hours (space mean SPACE)

lol thanks for reading my rant, just something I've noticed recently people need to be educated, if you can think of anymore feel free to leave them in the comments I will gladly add to the list :)

Me, Myself, and all the crap that means :P

There are somethings about me that are difficult to explain and understand even for me. But I am going to try to work through that right now. I am one of those people that wear my heart on my sleeve and every emotion I ever feel is easy to notice, unless you're blind and deaf. Hiding and holding in what I'm feeling has never been something that comes easy. Everything I do or say has some sort of feeling behind it. I can't help it, I love easily, but I can hate someone just as easily. There isn't a lot of room for grey area with me, because that has caused hurt and pain in the past, to avoid the hurt and pain I have a tendency to see things as very black and white. This is hard for people that are close to me to understand, but if I didn't do it like that, I'd be broken even easier. There are times when I can deal with the little things that bother me and try to write them off, but if enough little things happen, they'll ball up into one big thing that can't be held in or ignored any longer. Frustration is something I try to deal with daily, and occasionally I can but there are days when I just can't deal any longer. And sometimes that is just because after all the things I've gone through I would think the issues that cause the frustration wouldn't happen (at least not often). And when they continue to happen, its a combination of hurt, anger, sadness and disappointment, that is hard to express. I talk about what's bothering me quite a bit, sometimes to a point it makes those close to me crazy, but if I didn't I wouldn't be able to work through my emotions they would just be constantly there like they have their own pulse. I admit to occasionally blowing things out of proportion, not trying to make excuses for it, but it's that old saying shit rolls down hill, and when the shit keeps piling up one thing after another its hard to not have one little thing be the breaking point. I don't talk to a lot of people, because I don't like to tick people off, and lots of people have a hard time understanding what I'm talking about. And the thought of being judged and picked apart by people isn't something I handle very well. Been dealing with a lot of people that are very good at pretending they care but in the end just taking off all together for whatever reason, and there isn't much worse of a feeling than being totally honest with someone and in the end rejected for it. Life is hard enough without that, I left highschool a long time ago, and there by people being so judgmental is just beyond me. Anyway, I've tried to change how I am, but its never an easy thing to do. Progress is slow and difficult and sometimes nonexistent, but the truth is I will keep trying to not allow so many to take the heart that I have and walk all over it, to just hand it back to me mangled and broken.

The man my husband really is (to those that can't seem to get it)

I know I've written about him previously, however I think there are somethings I failed to mention. He is the sweetest person I have ever met, but he has this tendency to want to be everything to everyone all the time. Lots of people probably wouldn't see where this can become difficult, but he is the person that will take everyone's issues and wants into himself and try to fix things that he really can't. When he can't fix it, it begins to affect his personality and emotions. He will do everything he can forever even things that are impossible. He won't ever say when enough is enough, he will keep going until it nearly tears him into pieces. It's not something he likes to admit to anyone even to me, but I can usually see when it starts. There are people out there that don't listen or watch for the signs, and just keep taking advantage of his ability to appear fine regardless of how he's really feeling. Lots of people over the years have thought that every time something happens and it comes to a stop its because of me, to a point I guess they're right, but if I didn't step in the amount of damage could be devastating. People don't hear or see the things that go on when no one is looking, or they just don't want to open their eyes and see what they're really doing. He has the biggest heart of anyone, but he will never show people how hes really feeling or what hes actually thinking. All anyone else will ever see or hear is what he thinks they need or want. In his own way he's trying to help, and he is helping everyone but himself. This is a very difficult thing for me to watch, because I can see through the front he puts up and feel how its affecting him and what is really going on inside. I hate watching him become someone else for other people's benefit, because if it goes on long enough, it all starts to run together. He will do anything for anyone at anytime, but sometimes people need to know when its too much without being told. He will never say it, until he absolutely has to and everything else begins to snowball. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to watch and have to be the one to step in, because he won't say anything and they won't bother to take a second look. Everything he does or say has a reason behind it, occasionally reading between the lines is necessary, there is lots hiding under the surface of the exterior.  He is the best friend and husband I could ever ask for, I love him with my whole heart. Others need to see him for what he is one person with a life and a family, he can't be everyone's everything no matter how hard he tries. And the more you ask for the more he'll try to give until it tears him into pieces. So all of you out there that know someone like this, take it upon yourself to know when to take a step back and do whats best because its right not necessarily because you want to.

Moving on

Sometimes in a marriage, its hard to let things go and move on. Especially when it affects so many things in one way or another. The ripple affect can be worse than whatever caused the first problem. I don't know about anyone else, but for me when something hurts its difficult to not think or talk about it. That in and of its self makes it hard to move past whatever the issue maybe. A few times over the years things have had an impact that's hard to forget and let go of. Many times the only way to move on is to remove whatever is causing the issue entirely and allow time to heal and recover. There are times when it's other people that cause the problem, and when they can't understand the impact of their words or actions and know when to say when, its hard to find that time and space to heal. Because then the emotions have no time to die off and not be so prevalent, how do you tell someone that their presence is causing so much damage, it seems nearly unrecoverable? It's never an easy position to be in, but that is when it has be to weighed against the ripple effect its causing. But when people still don't comprehend what you're trying to tell them, what steps are supposed to be taken? It's nearly impossible to not get angry and lash out at everything, due to the fact that it seems like there is no understanding on anyone's part. It makes it look like the pain in frustration is never going to end, how many things do you have to do and say for things to be understood? It's hard to know when to move on and try to let the pain go when things are so fresh. There is no easy way to go when open wounds haven't healed and it feels like everything is crashing. Trying to rebuild and realign is never easy. I guess the only thing that can be done is to move on a step at a time, and try to fix the damage that's been done. Healing everything little by little til the only thing left is a small scar, as a reminder for the work and the strength that's been shown. Look at what you have and see what's important, and walk forward hand in hand together. No matter how hard it is or may seem, you can't ever give up hope in the ones you love.

One day at a time

Life. It has its times when its a struggle, and then times when it looks like nothing could be better. Sometimes its harder to look at the good times because the bad times have a stronger affect. I have been though rough times that make me wonder what the point is, and sometimes they can still be sore spots. So my new goal in life is to take what I learn from those times and turn them into positive experiences. Even if things hurt, if you look hard enough you can find something to learn from. Its not always easy to look for the lessons, but that's when you need to take a step back and take stock of what's important.

Life throws you things that you aren't prepared for, and the best thing you can do is take it a day at a time. There are times when for me looking too far in the future is overwhelming, because there is no way to know if you're going to make it through all of the things that are going on. But if I change my perspective and take it a day at a time, next thing I know more time has passed than I though, and everything is still in one piece. Its not always the easiest thing to do, but taking sometime to think seems to help.

If life was easy all the time would the good times mean as much? Anything in life worth while is going to take work, and its not going to be a walk though the park. However, if it was always simple it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. I have met people in many different situations and sometimes have wondered afterwards what the hell I was thinking, but then when I meet someone that surprises me and makes me smile it makes all the idiots worth while. Kinda like that Rascal Flatts song says "Bless this broken road that lead me straight to you." Never heard a truer thing be said.

Things in life will get you down but you have to pick yourself up and try again and again.

No more Pushovers here!

As I've gotten older, I have come to realize a few things, it is alright to be yourself and not conform to the people around you, and just because people don't always like you for whatever reason doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

I've always been one of those pleaser types. I wanted everyone to like me and when they didn't I would blame myself. What could I have done to not have that happen. It took me almost my entire life to realize if someone doesn't like me it doesn't mean I'm unlikeable or there's something wrong with me. I used to try to be whatever someone else wanted me to be, and I never really felt like I was "myself". It was a hard habit to break. I was really good at becoming the doormat because of that. I would let people use me to drive them around, or for money, or whatever. And I thought it would make them like me more. But what it really did was make it easier for people to use me to their advantage.

There were times when I would go out of my way to do something for someone else, and never really look at what I was doing. As the years went by I would look back and go "holy crap I cannot believe I didn't see that" they were just my "friend" for the things I had. Now I didn't always have a lot but I was always willing to let people use or have whatever they needed. I would give they would take, but when it came time for me to need help, or just someone to be there for me, people were either too busy, or just plain didn't care.

I finally had to grow a back bone, and not to sound like one of those lovely "B" words, but I had to say no, and when someone would say something stupid, give a polite "up yours" in return. I will not be walked on anymore, and if its something that I can do I will help, but if its something that in the end will put me in an iffy position you can go find another pushover sucker. I will fully admit to be a little jaded now, but there will be no more taking advantage of me, I am a grown up in every sense of the word. And if you can't grow up it is not my job to be your "parent".

Not a long one, but I needed to vent a little :)

The intimacy

So I guess I'm going to hit on an little bit R rated topic today. Be prepared, this could be interesting. I was thinking about sex after children, and about how different it is prior to the bundles of joy arriving. There were times when we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and wouldn't even make it out of the driveway. Still makes me smile to think about that. But anymore, we're lucky to find the time and energy to even make an attempt at it. It was hard even being pregnant, I've read that lots of women, gain a bigger sex drive. I was not one of those, I felt like someone else had taken over my body, I was round and everything felt foreign. It didn't turn me on it made me feel like a leper. Don't get me wrong I still had a sex drive, but only when I was alone, the thought of anyone touching me made me want to cry.

It's been a constant process adjusting to the changes in my body, permanent and temporary over the years, and trying to find a balance between time with the kids, and time with each other. It's one of those things your very naive about until you're actually going through it. Initially I never really thought we would have issues in that department, because everything came so naturally. But the more years we've been together, the more unique ways we have to find to keep it "fresh". The excitement of a new relationship fades, and sometimes you fall into a routine. And sad to say one of the first things that starts to go is the sex and intimacy. Adjusting to new roles, makes it easy to forget other needs.

At first when he would try to talk to me about how he was feeling, I would get so upset that it would just turn into a fight. It got to the point the mention of anything sexual caused frustration on every ones part. For a while we just quit trying. We didn't want to fight, so we just let it sit there on the back burner. Thinking that eventually it would fix it's self. It took a lot of reflection to realize that that wasn't happening.

Finally we had to sit down and have a long talk about what it was that was holding everything back, it took days, to get through it all. Then it was like having to start from scratch, holding hands, actually hugging each other without rushing through it. Slow gentle kisses, a soft caress, just taking it one step at a time to reignite the attraction and the passion that had been lying dormant for so long. There are times when you need to approach subjects that make you feel vulnerable, or sad, and be willing to leave yourself open to criticism on all sides. Just to start the process of fixing it all.  Now one look and one touch and the heat starts to rise, and I can say we finally made it back to where we needed to be. But if we hadn't put all the hurt and frustration out on the table, we probably wouldn't be where we are today.

Once you add sex into a relationship, it becomes something that needs to be maintained and appreciated, just like anything else. After its there is something that is as much a need as talking, it is not something you can just take away and not expect repercussions. Sex can't be everything in a relationship, but it also can't be erased from it, without taking away something that is of great value to it.

Clearing a spot for myself in this world

It's kind of funny to think about when I started blogging that I assumed no one would read it or relate to it. And I have never been so happy to be wrong in my life. There are way more people out there that think and understand things like I do. It makes it seem like I'm not always just writing for myself but for someone else also.

I never try to put up a front or be something I'm not (much to some people's dismay). It has worked for me thus far I'm still alive and so are my beautiful children. Sometimes it's hard finding people in this world to relate to, that won't judge or be two faced, but when you find those few people (whether on line or in person) it can be one of the most inspiring moments in your life. I have never been one of those people that things come easy for, everything has come with a lot of work and some very strong life lessons (the good bad and ugly). Having people be able to read something that came from my heart and soul, and not twist it into something, but instead take it and appreciate it is beyond gratifying.

I am not trying to change the world, just make my little world a little brighter and easier to understand (sometimes for myself more than anyone). For me everything makes more sense when its written down, you can take it and understand how you feel, and maybe it might be a little surprising.

I've tried to stay away from writing about things that are, for lack of a better term, graphic. I don't want the shock value that comes with that (sometimes I get that enough in person). Not everything is an open book, I would like to get to that point but I'm not ready for that yet. Revealing things a little at a time seems to be an easier and less scary way to go. By no means am I saying that it doesn't frustrate me that people I thought would understand me just don't, or that the ones I expected to be there aren't. But occasionally an individual has to find their own way and their own voice in this world full of other peoples opinions and drama.

I used to really get upset if someone didn't like what I had to say, or got mad at me, but I've learned being someone I'm not isn't going to help. I am what I say I am and that's all that I am (thanks Popeye for that one). Take me and what I have to say, and appreciate me as an individual or don't it's up to you. But I will still write and live my life the way I see fit. Even with the pitfalls and heartbreak. I will not be someone I'm not for anyone else benefit. But I thank everyone that has been there for me when I needed them without judgment or accusations I am just trying to make a space for myself in this world, one thought or action at a time. So far I think I'm making great progress.     :)

My Mom

I know mother's day is coming up so I thought I would talk about mine a little bit. My mom is something all her own, sometimes we fight like cats and dogs and go days without talking when we're mad at each other, but I know if I'm in a pinch my mom will always find a way to pull through.

Sometimes she's hard headed and doesn't listen (I hate to admit it but I guess I come by it naturally) and there by occasionally misses the point of what I'm saying. I have grown to understand why she is the way she is over the years. She can be my best friend and worst enemy, but regardless of the things I've done she is always there (when she can find her phone anyway).

Over all she is a great person that will give you the shirt off her back when you need it (and I mean that figuratively and literally). She has taken my son on vacation with her when I've been broken, so I wouldn't have to find someone to come help me. There have been times where she has gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to just about anything. She doesn't always get the credit she deserves, and she will only inform you of that fact occasionally.

I try to stick up for her whenever I can regardless of the consequences because she deserves at least that. I would do anything to make her happy til this day, and sometimes I might fall short of that goal, but I try my best. I've learned a lot of things from her, how to cook, clean, be a mom, and try not to let life drag you down. There is always a light you just have to know where to look for it. She is amazing for the things she has gone through and still is going though, and I love her with all my heart and wouldn't change her for the world. I love you mom Happy Mother's Day! Without you I would be lost beyond understanding.

I've made a decision.

I have come to the decision that I can not to help people that don't want to be helped. There have been many nights where I had a hard time sleeping trying to come up with fixes to problems, I know in the end no one will try to fix. It has been slowly driving me crazy. The things that go on sometimes bother me to the point of making me ill, but if they don't bother other people enough to find a way out of said situation, then what can I do?

I can't save someone that doesn't think they need saving, the only people I can save are myself and my family. So I have decided that is what I am doing. I have pulled myself out of a stressful situation, and some of the consequences might bother me, but I know when you have to say enough. No child should have to watch they're parents get upset and stressed out over things that are out of their control. I will not take other people's burdens as my own. All it has ever done is put stress on my family, and my marriage. Some people don't think that a child will understand when something goes on in a house whether negative or positive, but in the end they notice way more than any one realizes.

My children and my husband are the most important people in my life, and they deserve to have me at my best. And I can not be totally there for them when I am consumed by other peoples issues. I have tried to find a way to balance my family's and everyone else problems, but in the end I get consumed by fixing everyone elses issues cause their problems seem to be worse and bigger than mine. But there by my problems get bigger, and are no longer simple fixes.

I will no longer be the cheer leader on the sideline of everyone elses crap, I'm tired of saying "go go you can do it, it'll be fine, you can do it" and having it not really mean anything. Nothing will change no effort will be made, so what exactly am I cheering for? I will not feel bad for something that is not my fault. I will not take it upon myself to fix everyone else, and allow myself to fall apart.

I will not feel bad that my problems aren't as big as someone elses so they don't matter. Feeling bad for how I feel, or what I think is no longer an option. I am an individual and am allowed to do that, and not feel bad because someone else doesn't like it. There is no more feeling guilty for things that I can not control or fix. Just because my problems aren't off the charts crazy does not mean they're not bothering me, and being told how much worse, or how the same somebody elses are, makes me ill-legitimized. And I will no longer put up with that.

I do not enjoy being compared and picked apart, and I will no longer pretend like it doesn't bother me. I deserve the same respect I give to others. And until that day, I am going to concentrate on what my family and I need without feeling bad about it. They are my life, and who need me the most, and sometimes you just have to know when to say when.

Favorite Quotes From my son

My son is great, he comes up with the most insane things to say sometimes....

To our doctor today while hiding under the table "I'm shy I don't want to talk to you"
and "I know that color but you can tell me what it is" and when the doctor let him look in his mouth with the little light things he said "you have guckies on your tongue."

The new things to say when he likes something "that is cooler than cat poop on a shower curtain". I don't know who's cat poops on a shower curtain but apparently its pretty cool.

"I love you more than poopie doopie in a box" well that's great I'm glad I rate above poop in a box.

My husband and I were doing some research on where we're from and talking about Ireland and our son piped up and said "Johnny Jones is from Ireland, Ireland is in the south north west of north america. See he lives in that white house on the corner with the black insides" I never knew somebody could be in so many places or who the heck Johnny Jones is.

I was bra shopping on the internet and here he comes around the corner "stop mom, I have to pick one of those girls to be my girlfriend. And it has to be the hottest one so I can bring her home to marry her".

He told my husband that he "played with Slayer twenty years ago and they were rocking".

He found something that we bought when we first started dating ( I can't remember what it was) and he said "I bought that for you guys 7 years ago." I guess time travel has happened the rest of us must have missed the memo.

"mom sissy is cutesy wootsie dootsie isn't she, but sometimes she smells like lots of poop."

There are plenty more where these came from so just stay tuned!

Making sacrifices

Well we sold our car today to pay some bills. It will suck to be without a car again, but I will give up anything in order to keep us a float and make sure my kids are taken care of. It hasn't been easy, and nothing is as simple as it seems, but in the end at least we can say we're doing the best we can. I haven't given up the battle for survival and don't plan to.

It seems like things always fall apart at the same time, but some how we can find a solution. The decisions we're forced to make as grown ups and parents aren't always easy, but its the ability to make them that counts. I hate not having a car, but I would have really hated giving up my home. Sometimes it's hard to believe how quickly things can spiral out of control. One minute you just need a little help, and the next you're so far behind, catching up seems nearly impossible.

One problem I've always had is second guessing my own decisions, and letting other people's thoughts and opinions run my own household. I've finally made it to the point that I can say, I know what's best for my family, even if not everyone thinks like I do. In the end its my decision not anyone elses, they won't have to live with the consequences. I'm not saying that everyone has to agree with me or approve. Just respect my decisions and when I need someone to talk to don't preach to me, just let me have an ear to vent to or a shoulder to cry on. Just because it's not the way you would have done something does not make it wrong it just makes it different. And in the end the differences are what make life interesting, and lets everyone blaze their own trail and learn from the own mistakes and decisions.

Somethings you might see as extremely important when looked at in a different light just don't look the same. Take the time to really look at something before deciding how important it really is.

Well thanks for the guilt trip but...

Well today was pretty good, until the people I assumed would support me, knocked me down and tried to make me feel bad for the things I've written. I deleted one of my posts, however I am not sorry I wrote it. Yes it affected more than just me, but I can't pretend it didn't anymore. And if they want to go on pretending like it was never "that" bad then leave me out of it and let me be. Sometimes you have to help others by first helping yourself, and I knew no one would ever broach the topic. So I did. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't to make everyone look bad, or to hang out anyone's dirty laundry.

I have made it to the point, I can't pretend things from my past haven't affected how I am as a person. Or how I feel towards people in my life. This blog is for me to talk about how I feel about things and how they effected ME. I know people won't always like it, and if you don't then by all means by pass it and move on. I have tried and tried over the years to help and you know pretending and ignoring things doesn't help. There have been times when in a bad situation I have tried to divert attention to me to take it off of who was catching the brunt of it, and it never helped. But I tried, and the fact nothing has changed should prove that what everyone else is doing isn't working. Being afraid someone will find out something that they didn't know previously is ridiculace, in this family most of the issues we've had is far far from a secret. The only thing is that no one says anything, but that does not mean people are not aware of the situation.

I needed to open up for myself, to ease some of the pain, not just numb it. Maybe something good could have come out of it and we could have all had a support system, but you took almost any chance of that away. I am tired of being turned into the bad guy, I DIDN'T do anything WRONG! Just because you don't understand or wouldn't approach it in the way I did does NOT make it wrong. My family means everything to me, but if things I've gone through and things I've felt are too much for you to handle, I am not sorry, I didn't do it to myself, so please try to understand. Nothing I write or say is to make you mad or look bad, its just the truth and how I have perceived things over the years. Maybe we could try to fix it together instead of just trying to chew me up spit me and out and make me feel guilty about how I feel.

I love my family more than anything but I want us to be close again, and the things that go on don't make that possible. And how I feel should be understood, not taken as a personal attack. Please understand I did this to release things that have been brewing for years. Come to an understanding, think before you decide that everything I say was against you.

Famous Quotes from my Husband

Famous quotes from my husband:

"I don't know how you do this everyday, I'd have to poop in the corner just to change the scenery."
(thanks for that babe, good grief lol )

"are you sure you're done cleaning for the day"
(only if you've finished abandoning your clothes and dishes)

"Well, I think its time to get naked"
(honey sorry its noon, and the kids are climbing on me encase you didn't notice)

"Where are the kids?)
(its ten if they're not in bed, they probably ran away, or crawled)

"Hobo beer to the rescue"
(just how I wanted it in a brown bag, like something off of National Lampoons vacation)

"I thought about getting you something at the store today, but then I forgot"
(how the heck does that work?)

"Its whatever"
(what the heck does this mean)

"I love you in your face"
(I don't know if I find this funny or disturbing)

"Why do the kids make that sound"
(if I knew they wouldn't be making that sound)


I can't think of anymore right now but I promise more will be added so keep checking if you liked these one I promise more to follow!

Life and all that comes with it..

I never really thought my life would turn out this way. I had a hard time picturing myself as a mother let alone one that stays at home. I thought I would go to college, get a career started and get married, and see where life took me. But my plan and universe's plan were totally different. I graduated high school, and went off to college, with my now husband starting college with me. The summer after our first year we got married and then pregnant with our first child in the fall. So college got put on (and still is) the back burner.

We went through ups and downs during our first year of marriage, it was a lot to handle. We took a break for a while, not really knowing if we could fix it and move on. Eventually we got everything back together and spent a lot of time mending our relationship. It was hard to just get back into the swing of things as a married couple, while living with my parents and not having any space to call our own. Everyone deciding to give their opinion and get in the middle of our problems didn't help. We moved into the first place we could afford and thought everything would fall into place. It didn't.

I got a promotion at the job I have been working at for nearly a year, and in the same token he got laid off. And then the car died, and it was like no matter what something would happen to hinder progress. Almost 8 months go by of struggling and scraping to get enough to pay the bills. Finally a light came and my husband got hired by his current company. Things were looking good, and then at the beginning of summer, I broke my ankle. So I was out of work, and we found out we were expecting our second child. We ended up back at my parents house, and everyone was constantly on edge waiting for the next bomb to drop. 

Life has taken turns I have never expected, people can surprise you more than you know. My husband is finally making it somewhere in his job, and we'll my "job" is a constant battle. Sometimes it might be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel while always waiting for the bottom to drop out. I love where we live now, and its nice to have a place to call our own, but its getting harder and harder to make it out there. Money is tight and its hard to decide what we need to sacrifice. But I will never give up on this life, no matter how hard or hopeless it seems sometimes. I just have to keep looking for that bright spot, and keep the hope alive.

How to decide whats a want and whats a need???

Its been been difficult lately to find a way to cut costs for raising prices on everything. Finding a balance between needs and wants has not been an easy process. Especially with spring here and summer right around the corner. There just never seems to be an easy solution to financial problems. Where to cut costs is a hard decision to make, we've been trying to eat healthier, but for some reason all the healthier food costs twice as much. We've come to the decision to start selling everything we don't "need" to try to make ends meet. That alone doesn't come without consequences. Sometimes it just feels like a never ending battle.

 I would like to make it to the point that we can pay all the bills on time, and not have to worry about making it to the next pay check. That possibility seems to be a ways off though. In order to make it my husband has to work almost thirty hours of over time during a pay period, and this time of years any over time is hard to come by. The kids are always taken care of and at least have what they need, but its hard to always have to tell them no to things they want. I never was ready to be in this position and its a hard pill to swallow.  There is supposed to be some relief at the end of summer, when the next raise is supposed to go into affect, but its getting to the end that's the problem.

Everything seems to be building up and getting to a breaking point, and there just isn't anywhere to turn. Everyone is struggling, and its just not an easy time, but finding some solutions is a way more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Eventually everything works out like it should, but how, where, why, when? How much more needs to be sacrificed? I wish I could find answers to my own questions. Just need some relief from the stress and feelings of dread and doubt that seem to linger.

Finding an Understanding

It's hard for me sometimes to write about emotional things that aren't easy to laugh at. It touches me in places that don't like to be touched. Emotions come to the surface that I try to hide, but I have learned if I don't work through and try to understand the things I've been though they begin to eat away at my soul. Life isn't all flowers and smiles, it has pain and hurt, and everything in between.

One thing I've learned is that some things that you don't think affect you have a profound impact on the way you do things. I walk on egg shells even when I don't have to out of habit not necessity. But you know I have been able to understand that not everyone is waiting for a fight, or to say something obnoxious. There are people that care and are willing to help you through things and want you for you. Its just knowing when you found that person don't always expect it to be people, sometimes its just one person that will go through it all with you without a problem. Don't take them fore granted.

I found my partner in everything through tough times and good times. We put each other through some things neither one of us deserved, but in the end its what you bring to a relationship not just what you get out of it. I know that this might be read is kinda random, but I know now who is there for me through thick and thin and who is only there when times are good, and they can get something out of you. I love my life and my husband. All of it might frustrate me once in a while, but nothing good ever came without hard work and hurdles to jump. Just do it with class and style, one step at a time. Don't expect it to be perfect all the time, just be prepared to only take out what you put in. So put in everything you want to get back, but only to someone that deserves it.