My Mom

I know mother's day is coming up so I thought I would talk about mine a little bit. My mom is something all her own, sometimes we fight like cats and dogs and go days without talking when we're mad at each other, but I know if I'm in a pinch my mom will always find a way to pull through.

Sometimes she's hard headed and doesn't listen (I hate to admit it but I guess I come by it naturally) and there by occasionally misses the point of what I'm saying. I have grown to understand why she is the way she is over the years. She can be my best friend and worst enemy, but regardless of the things I've done she is always there (when she can find her phone anyway).

Over all she is a great person that will give you the shirt off her back when you need it (and I mean that figuratively and literally). She has taken my son on vacation with her when I've been broken, so I wouldn't have to find someone to come help me. There have been times where she has gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to just about anything. She doesn't always get the credit she deserves, and she will only inform you of that fact occasionally.

I try to stick up for her whenever I can regardless of the consequences because she deserves at least that. I would do anything to make her happy til this day, and sometimes I might fall short of that goal, but I try my best. I've learned a lot of things from her, how to cook, clean, be a mom, and try not to let life drag you down. There is always a light you just have to know where to look for it. She is amazing for the things she has gone through and still is going though, and I love her with all my heart and wouldn't change her for the world. I love you mom Happy Mother's Day! Without you I would be lost beyond understanding.

I've made a decision.

I have come to the decision that I can not to help people that don't want to be helped. There have been many nights where I had a hard time sleeping trying to come up with fixes to problems, I know in the end no one will try to fix. It has been slowly driving me crazy. The things that go on sometimes bother me to the point of making me ill, but if they don't bother other people enough to find a way out of said situation, then what can I do?

I can't save someone that doesn't think they need saving, the only people I can save are myself and my family. So I have decided that is what I am doing. I have pulled myself out of a stressful situation, and some of the consequences might bother me, but I know when you have to say enough. No child should have to watch they're parents get upset and stressed out over things that are out of their control. I will not take other people's burdens as my own. All it has ever done is put stress on my family, and my marriage. Some people don't think that a child will understand when something goes on in a house whether negative or positive, but in the end they notice way more than any one realizes.

My children and my husband are the most important people in my life, and they deserve to have me at my best. And I can not be totally there for them when I am consumed by other peoples issues. I have tried to find a way to balance my family's and everyone else problems, but in the end I get consumed by fixing everyone elses issues cause their problems seem to be worse and bigger than mine. But there by my problems get bigger, and are no longer simple fixes.

I will no longer be the cheer leader on the sideline of everyone elses crap, I'm tired of saying "go go you can do it, it'll be fine, you can do it" and having it not really mean anything. Nothing will change no effort will be made, so what exactly am I cheering for? I will not feel bad for something that is not my fault. I will not take it upon myself to fix everyone else, and allow myself to fall apart.

I will not feel bad that my problems aren't as big as someone elses so they don't matter. Feeling bad for how I feel, or what I think is no longer an option. I am an individual and am allowed to do that, and not feel bad because someone else doesn't like it. There is no more feeling guilty for things that I can not control or fix. Just because my problems aren't off the charts crazy does not mean they're not bothering me, and being told how much worse, or how the same somebody elses are, makes me ill-legitimized. And I will no longer put up with that.

I do not enjoy being compared and picked apart, and I will no longer pretend like it doesn't bother me. I deserve the same respect I give to others. And until that day, I am going to concentrate on what my family and I need without feeling bad about it. They are my life, and who need me the most, and sometimes you just have to know when to say when.

Favorite Quotes From my son

My son is great, he comes up with the most insane things to say sometimes....

To our doctor today while hiding under the table "I'm shy I don't want to talk to you"
and "I know that color but you can tell me what it is" and when the doctor let him look in his mouth with the little light things he said "you have guckies on your tongue."

The new things to say when he likes something "that is cooler than cat poop on a shower curtain". I don't know who's cat poops on a shower curtain but apparently its pretty cool.

"I love you more than poopie doopie in a box" well that's great I'm glad I rate above poop in a box.

My husband and I were doing some research on where we're from and talking about Ireland and our son piped up and said "Johnny Jones is from Ireland, Ireland is in the south north west of north america. See he lives in that white house on the corner with the black insides" I never knew somebody could be in so many places or who the heck Johnny Jones is.

I was bra shopping on the internet and here he comes around the corner "stop mom, I have to pick one of those girls to be my girlfriend. And it has to be the hottest one so I can bring her home to marry her".

He told my husband that he "played with Slayer twenty years ago and they were rocking".

He found something that we bought when we first started dating ( I can't remember what it was) and he said "I bought that for you guys 7 years ago." I guess time travel has happened the rest of us must have missed the memo.

"mom sissy is cutesy wootsie dootsie isn't she, but sometimes she smells like lots of poop."

There are plenty more where these came from so just stay tuned!

Making sacrifices

Well we sold our car today to pay some bills. It will suck to be without a car again, but I will give up anything in order to keep us a float and make sure my kids are taken care of. It hasn't been easy, and nothing is as simple as it seems, but in the end at least we can say we're doing the best we can. I haven't given up the battle for survival and don't plan to.

It seems like things always fall apart at the same time, but some how we can find a solution. The decisions we're forced to make as grown ups and parents aren't always easy, but its the ability to make them that counts. I hate not having a car, but I would have really hated giving up my home. Sometimes it's hard to believe how quickly things can spiral out of control. One minute you just need a little help, and the next you're so far behind, catching up seems nearly impossible.

One problem I've always had is second guessing my own decisions, and letting other people's thoughts and opinions run my own household. I've finally made it to the point that I can say, I know what's best for my family, even if not everyone thinks like I do. In the end its my decision not anyone elses, they won't have to live with the consequences. I'm not saying that everyone has to agree with me or approve. Just respect my decisions and when I need someone to talk to don't preach to me, just let me have an ear to vent to or a shoulder to cry on. Just because it's not the way you would have done something does not make it wrong it just makes it different. And in the end the differences are what make life interesting, and lets everyone blaze their own trail and learn from the own mistakes and decisions.

Somethings you might see as extremely important when looked at in a different light just don't look the same. Take the time to really look at something before deciding how important it really is.

Well thanks for the guilt trip but...

Well today was pretty good, until the people I assumed would support me, knocked me down and tried to make me feel bad for the things I've written. I deleted one of my posts, however I am not sorry I wrote it. Yes it affected more than just me, but I can't pretend it didn't anymore. And if they want to go on pretending like it was never "that" bad then leave me out of it and let me be. Sometimes you have to help others by first helping yourself, and I knew no one would ever broach the topic. So I did. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't to make everyone look bad, or to hang out anyone's dirty laundry.

I have made it to the point, I can't pretend things from my past haven't affected how I am as a person. Or how I feel towards people in my life. This blog is for me to talk about how I feel about things and how they effected ME. I know people won't always like it, and if you don't then by all means by pass it and move on. I have tried and tried over the years to help and you know pretending and ignoring things doesn't help. There have been times when in a bad situation I have tried to divert attention to me to take it off of who was catching the brunt of it, and it never helped. But I tried, and the fact nothing has changed should prove that what everyone else is doing isn't working. Being afraid someone will find out something that they didn't know previously is ridiculace, in this family most of the issues we've had is far far from a secret. The only thing is that no one says anything, but that does not mean people are not aware of the situation.

I needed to open up for myself, to ease some of the pain, not just numb it. Maybe something good could have come out of it and we could have all had a support system, but you took almost any chance of that away. I am tired of being turned into the bad guy, I DIDN'T do anything WRONG! Just because you don't understand or wouldn't approach it in the way I did does NOT make it wrong. My family means everything to me, but if things I've gone through and things I've felt are too much for you to handle, I am not sorry, I didn't do it to myself, so please try to understand. Nothing I write or say is to make you mad or look bad, its just the truth and how I have perceived things over the years. Maybe we could try to fix it together instead of just trying to chew me up spit me and out and make me feel guilty about how I feel.

I love my family more than anything but I want us to be close again, and the things that go on don't make that possible. And how I feel should be understood, not taken as a personal attack. Please understand I did this to release things that have been brewing for years. Come to an understanding, think before you decide that everything I say was against you.

Famous Quotes from my Husband

Famous quotes from my husband:

"I don't know how you do this everyday, I'd have to poop in the corner just to change the scenery."
(thanks for that babe, good grief lol )

"are you sure you're done cleaning for the day"
(only if you've finished abandoning your clothes and dishes)

"Well, I think its time to get naked"
(honey sorry its noon, and the kids are climbing on me encase you didn't notice)

"Where are the kids?)
(its ten if they're not in bed, they probably ran away, or crawled)

"Hobo beer to the rescue"
(just how I wanted it in a brown bag, like something off of National Lampoons vacation)

"I thought about getting you something at the store today, but then I forgot"
(how the heck does that work?)

"Its whatever"
(what the heck does this mean)

"I love you in your face"
(I don't know if I find this funny or disturbing)

"Why do the kids make that sound"
(if I knew they wouldn't be making that sound)


I can't think of anymore right now but I promise more will be added so keep checking if you liked these one I promise more to follow!

Life and all that comes with it..

I never really thought my life would turn out this way. I had a hard time picturing myself as a mother let alone one that stays at home. I thought I would go to college, get a career started and get married, and see where life took me. But my plan and universe's plan were totally different. I graduated high school, and went off to college, with my now husband starting college with me. The summer after our first year we got married and then pregnant with our first child in the fall. So college got put on (and still is) the back burner.

We went through ups and downs during our first year of marriage, it was a lot to handle. We took a break for a while, not really knowing if we could fix it and move on. Eventually we got everything back together and spent a lot of time mending our relationship. It was hard to just get back into the swing of things as a married couple, while living with my parents and not having any space to call our own. Everyone deciding to give their opinion and get in the middle of our problems didn't help. We moved into the first place we could afford and thought everything would fall into place. It didn't.

I got a promotion at the job I have been working at for nearly a year, and in the same token he got laid off. And then the car died, and it was like no matter what something would happen to hinder progress. Almost 8 months go by of struggling and scraping to get enough to pay the bills. Finally a light came and my husband got hired by his current company. Things were looking good, and then at the beginning of summer, I broke my ankle. So I was out of work, and we found out we were expecting our second child. We ended up back at my parents house, and everyone was constantly on edge waiting for the next bomb to drop. 

Life has taken turns I have never expected, people can surprise you more than you know. My husband is finally making it somewhere in his job, and we'll my "job" is a constant battle. Sometimes it might be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel while always waiting for the bottom to drop out. I love where we live now, and its nice to have a place to call our own, but its getting harder and harder to make it out there. Money is tight and its hard to decide what we need to sacrifice. But I will never give up on this life, no matter how hard or hopeless it seems sometimes. I just have to keep looking for that bright spot, and keep the hope alive.

How to decide whats a want and whats a need???

Its been been difficult lately to find a way to cut costs for raising prices on everything. Finding a balance between needs and wants has not been an easy process. Especially with spring here and summer right around the corner. There just never seems to be an easy solution to financial problems. Where to cut costs is a hard decision to make, we've been trying to eat healthier, but for some reason all the healthier food costs twice as much. We've come to the decision to start selling everything we don't "need" to try to make ends meet. That alone doesn't come without consequences. Sometimes it just feels like a never ending battle.

 I would like to make it to the point that we can pay all the bills on time, and not have to worry about making it to the next pay check. That possibility seems to be a ways off though. In order to make it my husband has to work almost thirty hours of over time during a pay period, and this time of years any over time is hard to come by. The kids are always taken care of and at least have what they need, but its hard to always have to tell them no to things they want. I never was ready to be in this position and its a hard pill to swallow.  There is supposed to be some relief at the end of summer, when the next raise is supposed to go into affect, but its getting to the end that's the problem.

Everything seems to be building up and getting to a breaking point, and there just isn't anywhere to turn. Everyone is struggling, and its just not an easy time, but finding some solutions is a way more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Eventually everything works out like it should, but how, where, why, when? How much more needs to be sacrificed? I wish I could find answers to my own questions. Just need some relief from the stress and feelings of dread and doubt that seem to linger.

Finding an Understanding

It's hard for me sometimes to write about emotional things that aren't easy to laugh at. It touches me in places that don't like to be touched. Emotions come to the surface that I try to hide, but I have learned if I don't work through and try to understand the things I've been though they begin to eat away at my soul. Life isn't all flowers and smiles, it has pain and hurt, and everything in between.

One thing I've learned is that some things that you don't think affect you have a profound impact on the way you do things. I walk on egg shells even when I don't have to out of habit not necessity. But you know I have been able to understand that not everyone is waiting for a fight, or to say something obnoxious. There are people that care and are willing to help you through things and want you for you. Its just knowing when you found that person don't always expect it to be people, sometimes its just one person that will go through it all with you without a problem. Don't take them fore granted.

I found my partner in everything through tough times and good times. We put each other through some things neither one of us deserved, but in the end its what you bring to a relationship not just what you get out of it. I know that this might be read is kinda random, but I know now who is there for me through thick and thin and who is only there when times are good, and they can get something out of you. I love my life and my husband. All of it might frustrate me once in a while, but nothing good ever came without hard work and hurdles to jump. Just do it with class and style, one step at a time. Don't expect it to be perfect all the time, just be prepared to only take out what you put in. So put in everything you want to get back, but only to someone that deserves it.

You know you're a parent when...

You know you're a parent when...


1. 8:30 am is sleeping in....

2. When you take a bath you have to fish the toys out before you run the tub.

3. You know all the lines to all the nick jr. tv shows...

4. None of the locks work, for fear someone will get stuck in them

5. Where there was beer, now there are juice boxes

6. All your dishes are plastic to avoid shattering

7. Going out to dinner with the family, means drive through, and happy meal toys

8. Your flowerbeds/ garden, become a sand box

9. It takes 45 minutes to get into the driveway to leave

10. going to the store is like going to the races, the quickest one out with a child still happy wins.

There are plenty more ways to tell, stretch marks, toys everywhere, and finding random things stuffed in behind and around the furniture. All of it is a sign that your children exist, but at least you know they love you , you love them, and everyone can see the fun and humor in everyday life. My kids might stress me out and have changed my life beyond measure, but they are the greatest thing to ever happen to me in more ways than I can count. (now I have to stop, to try to get one to take a nap and stop sneaking the toys into bed with him)

People and Drama

One thing I have tried to do is not write about things I don't have a lot of experience in. I have had way more experiences than I care to admit to, good, bad, and ugly. I have had people that I thought were close friends fall off the map, for reasons beyond me. I have had close friends turn into sales people, as in that's the only reason they talk to me anymore is to try to get me to sign up for or sell something. Its gotten severely frustrating. When I do see people the question always it "what are you doing now?". And when I say well I stay at home with the kids, the common response is "wow must be nice to have enough money to do that." Why because I stay home does that mean I am loaded? I am far from it! I am lucky if I can get all the bills paid in a single month without cutting out essential things, like groceries or clothes for the kids. I haven't bought a new pair of shoes for myself in almost three years. It frustrates me that I have to explain how I can afford to stay home. I don't ask you how can you afford to drive all over kingdom come and go out to do all these extra things and still live. I don't go do anything and you wonder how I can afford to stay home???

I have had lots of judgment placed on me for things that have happened over the years. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends, mostly because girls are dramatic, and most guys aren't. But just because I have male friends, does not mean I am secretly sleeping with them. A lot of the time when I have had a hoard of girl friends, nothing is a secret, and everybody seems to know everything. Secrets have been a foreign concept to most. It at one point got to the extent that I wouldn't talk about anything going on for fear of judgment not understanding or input, just lots and lots of judgment. I tried very hard to keep things to myself.

When I worked the whole place was a giant rumor mill, from regular customers, coworkers, management, and whoever, always seemed to know everything, even things that you didn't know were going on. Every time I talked to someone this giant mess of crap would "come out" and I would be given the third degree by any and everyone. Even if none of it was true, it would just be me in denial. I would hope I would know whats going on in my life, but apparently everyone else has always known better than I did. When did personal start meaning public?

I guess I am just feeling frustrated with humanity, I could write a book about everyone elses bull crap I have heard over the years, but unlike some I know when it's not my job to judge, or advertise people's skeletons, eventually they will do a fine job of that on their own.

People will always thrive on the drama, that is why I have learned to keep my drama to myself! (well for the most part anyway ) :)

A formal lesson in frustration when shopping with children

I remember before I had kids seeing people in the store with kids screaming, crying, and running all over the place, and I used to think "wow why isn't that kid's parent doing anything about that?". Then I had kids, I have been to the store, and stared in horror as my son threw himself on the floor and flailed around, over wanting one of the TV carts. Or found things in the cart as we were leaving that he had decided he wanted and put in front of cart with him (not a normal cart, but the one with the little car at the end). I have seen and been through every fit and tantrum possible, not to mention multiple trips to the bathroom (sometimes finding my cart gone and had to start all over again). I've gotten those looks from strangers that seem to say "why aren't you handling that?", or from the ones that can relate its the "oh god I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad that's not me" (I'm guilty of that one too).

Sometimes I see those moms or dads walking though the store with kids younger than my oldest, walking nicely next to the cart not saying or touching anything. It makes me want to run up and ask how they get them to do that. I figured out really quickly that what I used to think was bad parenting isn't always the case, sometimes as a parent in the store you become at a loss as to how to handle it without leaving and coming back at midnight without the children. I have been so embarrassed over my son's tantrums, and my girl's fitting from not wanting to be in the seat that I didn't think I could make it down two aisles. Nothing is more uncomfortable than having people stare at your children like they're possessed. I thought about telling this one old lady "oh don't worry its a side affect" just to get her to stop shaking her head at me. I have to admit that sometimes I get a little bit of enjoyment watching someone else dealing with a tantrum, because then for once its not my kids.

I will give the kids a little bit of credit though, sometimes its funny to get the people staring because they're singing a silly song really loud. Or make those insane happy sounds that could break glass. I find it funny, because I know its not a fit so I smile, sing and dance along. With the stares of complete strangers and looks of confusion following me down the aisle. Little do they know with in the next four aisles my smiling and singing will turn into looks of terror and petrification as the singing turns into loud begging and escape attempts.

Not the Stereotypical Stay-at-home Mother

So I got to thinking today about some of the stereotypical, stay at home mom things, and realized, I really don't fit the stereo type. I might stay at home, but I am not any good at baking. I hate to dust, and I really wish I got paid better for the things I clean out of my bathroom. Being a stay at home mom might have its perks but it has some serious pitfalls too. There is no calling in sick or playing hooky you are always on duty. Even though I'm home all the time my house is not immaculately clean or organized, I don't keep my kids on a strict schedule (when I tried that all it did was frustrate us all), When they're hungry I let them have a snack. Bribery is not a foreign concept, when I need ten minutes of peace and quiet, and sometimes toys get "lost" when I clean the playroom. I will admit to getting into a full out screaming match with my 4 year old, (I don't win those very often). And sometimes the TV is my best friend.

Everyone needs that time to disconnect from their "profession", my profession just happens to be something I can't just unplug from. I have done some things that  aren't recommended in those parenting books, or those nanny shows, but my kids are well taken care of and don't seem to be suffering any worse for it. I've been called a mean mommy by my son when I have taken away his favorite toy as punishment for doing something wrong. But then when I let him have ice cream or cookies right after cereal, so I can at least get the floor vacuumed I am the best mom ever.

Oh and watch out I took him to an appointment and the nurse said my son was overweight and I didn't panic or freak out. He is FOUR not fourteen, his favorite foods are carrots and celery (seriously, not even with dressing or dip), and when he stands up straight and lifts his arms up his ribs stick out. What to they expect me to do, make all our lives miserable, because he isn't pencil thin and banned from ALL snacks?

Homemaker might be my profession, but that does not mean I have to do it the way everyone else thinks it should be done. We have fun, and yes we argue, and sometimes the house is a wreck, and sometimes I'd rather order takeout than dirty one more dish for the hundredth time, but there is no reason to look at me like I'm killing my child, I promise he might start fitting now, but when I give in to the next demand all will be right with his world.

10 things you don't say to your wife (unless you like the couch)

To all the husbands out there these are the things that will get you banished to the couch:

1. Do you need new razor blades or something?

2. Whats the matter have you started your period.

3. Is that supposed to fit like that?

4. So what is your thought on boob jobs?

5. That looked different before the kids.

6. You're in decent shape for having two little ones.

7. You a lot like youre mom.

8. Thats not how my mom did it.

9. Honey is that really how you're going to make that?

10. I heard kegels would help with that.

I figured if we were doing one for the girls we should do one for the guys. A sense of humor is an amazing thing. :)

10 things not to say to your Husband before bed.

Things not to say to your husband at night:

1. Why do you smell like a sweaty crotch covered in cow poo?

2. Remember when you used to look like that?

3. You don't need that snack cake. How bout a carrot.

4. So that's what a chicken gizzard looks like.

5. Have they always hung that low?

6. Don't forget to put your contacts in, no excuses for using the wrong entry.

7. Have you really always been this hairy?

8. You should get that looked at.

9. Those underwear have a blast pattern.

10. Some woman saw you hanging out of your fly, Did she laugh?

I just couldn't help this one we had a good time coming up with variations on things I've said to him over the years, we all could use a good laugh once in a while.

My "four" kids

Sometimes men amaze me to no end, well at least mine anyway. One thing that I have never understood is his ability to tone everything out and ignore it all. If I have a kid screaming in my ear my first reaction to the shrill is my ears fall off, then I try to stop it asap so I can put them back on. With him it's like he doesn't have any ears at all, except when he compensates by turning the volume up on the tv or computer, then it just makes me think hes actually deaf. Another thing that I just do get is how he can see a piece of trash on the floor and instead of putting in the TRASH CAN, either stuffs it in his pocket, behind the couch or in the cushions. So when I look for something in the couch I find enough snack wrappers to wall paper the house.

I guess men just think different, one of those out of sight out of mind moments. He leaves just as big a trail in the morning as the kids do ( I really think he believes the cleaning fairies show up and pick it up). I think one of my favorites is the questions like "where is the toilet paper" like I hide it in some obscure location or something. It makes me giggle though when he starts whistling from the bathroom to get my attention and ask for a towel (our towel cabinet is IN the bathroom). The other task that makes me a little crazy is loading the dishwasher not that he won't do it, its just that he thinks its a miracle worker pre-washing isn't always in his agenda so my agenda is always rechecking the "clean" dishes for food chucks and starting all over again.

Don't get me wrong, he tries really hard to help sometimes, and I appreciate it when he does it without me asking or begging more than anything. Just the way he goes about some things fathoms me. Adding ten extra steps to simple tasks that make them take ten times as long, and then ask why it takes so long. He hates cleaning the bathroom, because there really isn't a way to skip parts without me noticing.

There are those days when I feel like I have four kids (2 actual kids, one dog, and a husband), each leaves a trail of junk from one end of the house to the other. I can tell where everyone has started and finished their morning, starting with the trail of clothes, then cereal bowls, cups, food left out, toothbrushes all over the counter, towels, papers, and whatever else was needed. It's frustrating having to be everyone's mother and alarm clock, I think some of this needs to be added to pre-nups, vows, and marriage licenses. All I can really say is nothing will prepare you entirely for marriage and children, but I will firmly recommend at least staying with your significant other before you get married, so the surprises aren't as shocking. There is a lot more to it than just playing house.

Just as an added note I will give him some credit he takes everything I write in stride, and give his in put before and after posting. At least he doesn't mind being my inspiration either in examples of frustration or happiness!

My rambling

I don't want to act like everyone should know my opinion on everything, or get enjoyment out of my ranting and complaining. That is by no means my goal, I just try to write about things that are important to me in hopes someone out there can relate. I know what its like to feel stuck in my own world, and feel as if no one understands how I feel. I hope by doing this when I can find the time, it allows me to reach someone and let them know they aren't the only ones that feel that way. People that don't have kids, probably won't be able to relate to a lot of things I write about, however maybe they'll get an insight into parenthood. I throw the occasional random list or political opinion in there just to spice it up some, and get the blood flowing so to speak. Because I know if I just wrote about what I did all day like a diary, you would be bored to tears. I know I would be. At least this gives me a hobby that gives me enjoyment and the possibility of fulfillment. I am open to suggestions about topics, or thoughts if you have a question I am willing to give you an answer, we'll at least my answer. This is me just kind of rambling on but as an added note my husband has made a page for the blog, "The opinions of the lonely housewife" is the page name also so no one has to search randomly for it. Feel free to let me know what you think or feel or would like to talk about! Thanks everyone!

Losing my mind at home

I don't always like being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I feel as if its more stressful than a regular job. At least with a 9 to 5 you can leave work at work (most of the time). With staying at home its just always there 24 hours a day. It can get mind numbing, doing the same thing over and over again everyday. I thought about going back to work, but financially it didn't make sense. I know that sounds crazy, but with the price of day care for 2 kids 8 hours a day swing shift, and gas in the car it would cost me more to work than I would get paid. I love my kids and they can be tons of fun, sometimes though just feeling constantly at everyone's beck and call starts to make me crazy. Its hard to find time for myself in this situation, but I need it so bad sometimes just to rein in the insanity and make it manageable.

Guilt starts to creep up on me sometimes. I know there are a lot of people out there that would give anything to stay at home with their kids and spend time with them, and here I am thinking about how crazy it makes me sometimes. But then again some people get date night, no kids just each other, time to reconnect. I am not one of those lucky ones. My reconnect time is between 11pm and 1am when the kids are sleeping, and its cut short by the need for sleep. Then in the morning it all starts over again, kids get breakfast, start picking up the mess from the night before, laundry, cleaning up everyone's nasty leave behinds in the bathroom, vacuum, scrub, wash, rotate, over and over again. It just seems like a never ending battle.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, well then I am insane. That's what I do every single day. No holidays, no weekends off, no vacation, no raise, not a lot of appreciation. Everything is expected or assumed, I am here so it should be done, and occasionally I feel the same way. Other times I think I'm only one person how can I do it all by myself all the time. I've learned that if I let things go and "take it easy" and relax through the day I will pay for it later. What I didn't do will be twice as bad as it was before, because no one else will be here to assist. I don't know what to do to ease the frustration. I've tried to change up the routine, that only gets so far, I still have to do all the same things regardless of order, and then I learned why I do it in the same order all the time (no point in cleaning something to dirty another). Who do you ask for help when there is no one available? Where do you turn, when you know you're losing your mind?

I miss looking forward to time off. Goals to reach, like a promotion or a raise. Something to show for my hard work, something to strive for, besides a clean house. Where are the signs of progress? The thank you for all you do, just the forward progression. Basically being my own boss might sound great, but you can't give yourself a thank you and have it mean diddly. 

Finding time with my husband....will it happen?

It has been a long couple weeks. My husband and I have been having a hard time seeing eye to eye on much of anything. We don't usually fight much so I'm not sure how to deal with this, its just seems to be a lot of drama, and some very intense emotions. This is when I know we need some time together alone with out the kids away from the house and everything else. Its just finding the time to take the time to have the time alone together. Which is just as difficult and confusing as it sounds. Every couple needs that time to be alone together to reconnect. What do you do when there aren't people to call on when you need a break from everything? or When you call to say that you need some time the only thing given is a speech about why they need a break and then it makes you feel guilty for even mentioning it. Then in the same breath not only do we not get a break together, but he gets one with work and I get stuck by myself for an even longer amount of time. So that has added to our frustration as a couple, now he gets away and I don't, and to be honest it makes me angry and jealous. There is no way to tell when my break will come (if ever) and here he gets almost three days of time with grown ups and no kids. It seems to be just eating away at me. I just want the time to be an adult, and feel like something more than a mother and housekeeper. I know its not fair for me to be anything but happy for him but its hard to be happy when you see something you want and need so bad being given to someone else without question. I love him more than anything, but I am still human, and its hard to remain neutral all the time. When is "our" time together coming? Will that ever be able to be a priority? Hopefully sometime our time will come but sooner rather than later would be great, I'm having a hard time dealing with the same thing all the time everyday.