There are some things I never thought I would have to be when I became a parent. At first you think of yourself as a mother, then the more you think about it the more you realize that you could actually qualify for a few more positions. Here's a few that I have had to become over the last five years:
1. nurse; am I now qualified to fix any boo boo, clear up any sore tummies, or anything else that requires a bandage, or a nice cold glass of ginger ale.
2. referee; I don't know how many times I wished I had a whistle, as I'm yelling over the madness, for everyone to get back to their corners.
3. chef; trying to make something out of the three things left in the freezer might seem easy, but you have to make it look like its edible, its amazing what pasta sauce and cheese will do to almost anything.
4. inventor; I can't count the amount of times I have had to attach rubber bands to some sort of spoon or spatula to make a catapult device, and then try to fashion it into a multi-functional air born contraption.
5. superhero assistant; I am the maker of capes, masks, vehicles, and walkie talkies to assist in the saving of the town in my living room.
6. anatomy professor; am the new found expert at explaining why girls, go potty sitting down. Also, at the differences between a woman's breasts, and someone on tvs "furry man boobs".
7. scientist, finding the right combination of cleaners and scrub brushes that remove stains from counter tops stoves, cupboards, shirts, pants, blankets, furniture, carpet, and the almighty stuffed animal.
8. photographer; incessantly trying to get the perfect picture with no tears, boogers, food stains, or marker tattoos. prior to the happy time leaving.
9. rope maker; I can now make a lasso out of anything and occasionally have it actually work. Then I can find the perfect size "cow", or "pig" to chase down and tie up.
10. director of lost and found; I can find anything lost in a two acre area, sometimes just by vacuuming and shifting through the inside of the dust catcher, or by looking in a place I have never used, but seems to be the perfect place for someone pirate treasure.
There are probably a lot more if I really sat and thought about it, but I really think everyone who can think of a list like this should be able to add it to the resume with as many years experience as the children are old. Man I really think that should make you qualified for almost anything. Or at least be able to put in for income from somewhere. Oh lets not forget, slayer of dragons and monsters, pirate, gymnastics coach, dance instructor, bus driver, swimming instructor, bank robber, cop, cowboy, and last but not least the all knowing oracle and fortune teller.
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Why I Blog.
I've been trying as of lately to write about things that have meaning to me and make me feel like I'm contributing to something (besides my own insanity). So I thought I would explain why I blog.
Anymore I spend a lot of time at home alone with my kids. Then there are occasions when I just need to vent and get things off of my mind. I have always had a problem with holding things in, and I never was good at keeping a journal. And every once in a while, I just need to get some thoughts or issues off of my chest. Sometimes they're funny and a little bit quirky, and other times they are issues that have been on my mind for a long time. This is a simple outlet, that I can use to reach a lot of people, yet get some feed back and a little release. Occasionally things I choose to write about can make me feel like I went to the store in my underwear, but at the same time once its finally posted the "stage fright" begins to subside.
This might not be the most interesting thing that I've written about, but it gives a little insight into who I am and what I'm about. I try to write about things that are important to me, and I have some first hand knowledge of. I don't like to write about things that I know nothing about, because it makes me feel like a fraud. I'm not going to stand up on a soap box and preach about how I'm right about something and if you don't like it you're just wrong. Everyone has an opinion, not everyone has to like it because its YOUR opinion. Difference are what make life interesting. People might not always like what I have to say or how I approach things, but they don't have to the fact they took the time to read what I have had to say (whether they liked it or not) is enough for me.
Anymore I spend a lot of time at home alone with my kids. Then there are occasions when I just need to vent and get things off of my mind. I have always had a problem with holding things in, and I never was good at keeping a journal. And every once in a while, I just need to get some thoughts or issues off of my chest. Sometimes they're funny and a little bit quirky, and other times they are issues that have been on my mind for a long time. This is a simple outlet, that I can use to reach a lot of people, yet get some feed back and a little release. Occasionally things I choose to write about can make me feel like I went to the store in my underwear, but at the same time once its finally posted the "stage fright" begins to subside.
This might not be the most interesting thing that I've written about, but it gives a little insight into who I am and what I'm about. I try to write about things that are important to me, and I have some first hand knowledge of. I don't like to write about things that I know nothing about, because it makes me feel like a fraud. I'm not going to stand up on a soap box and preach about how I'm right about something and if you don't like it you're just wrong. Everyone has an opinion, not everyone has to like it because its YOUR opinion. Difference are what make life interesting. People might not always like what I have to say or how I approach things, but they don't have to the fact they took the time to read what I have had to say (whether they liked it or not) is enough for me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
How I survived infidelity in my marriage
I didn't really think I would ever want to talk about this. However, its been quite a few years and in a way it made our relationship what it is today. Now it seems like the time to let it all out and get it off of my chest.
My husband and I have been together for almost eight years. Some times it feels like it started just yesterday (we'll when you don't count the kids). It certainly has not been without its trials and tribulations, sometimes the list of difficult things is just way too long to think about. We've both are very hard headed and opininated, which can mean large loud battles over little stupid things. Eventually all the little stupid things turn into big ugly problems than seem nearly impossible to fix.
We go married in the summer, before my 20th birthday, and by the fall I was pregnant with our first child. At first we we're both so excited and couldn't wait for him to get here. Then when the second trimester started it all started to change. We started fighting over everything, and there was no relief in sight. Our friends weren't much help, they moved into where we were staying. It went from me and him living in his grandparents basement, to me him and all of his friends all sleeping and staying in the same room. It finally got to the point that the stress was too much. I went to stay with my mom for a night, I saw it as sometime to regain some composure. He saw it as the end, and I didn't hear or see him for nearly a week.
After that first week, I saw him off and on for small amounts of time. And at first there being someone else didn't even occur to me, until our mutual friends kept asking me who the girl was he was bringing everywhere. At first I just let it go and tried not to think about what he was doing. Then I crossed paths with him when they were together. Before I even had the chance to say something he was denying it, so I yet again tried not to think about it. He started to come see me more and try to work things out a piece at a time.
I moved three hours away with my parents, and we kept in contact by phone until he finally decided where he needed to be. I asked him repeatedly if he had ever done anything with the girl I had seen him with. I heard no for years after, and I never entirely believed it. Fast forward a couple years and we get into this big blow up, and he starts telling me what a horrible person he is. Calling himself a cheater and a horrible excuse for a husband. Then it hit me what he was trying to say, and I was devastated. All that time we spent building up our trust and working through all of it and what in my heart I had always known was true. He'd cheated on me.
Then the now what began, do I leave, do I try again to build it up from scratch and start over one more time. I really didn't know if I could do it again. I felt like I had been betrayed twice, and I didn't know if I wanted to risk getting hurt, or finding out there was other things that would come out later. Our son at the time was almost two and the thought of tearing his world apart killed me, and as much as it had hurt finding my worst fear confirmed, I wasn't ready to call it quits. I'd spent the better part of my life in this marriage and had been through way to much to not give it one more shot. And that is one decision I have never regretted.
It wasn't easy, especially with the kind of profession he's in, it involves a lot of travel and can mean lots of time away from home. I started checking his phone, email, and whatever else I could think of that would give him access to anyone else but me. We would sit down and talk about how we felt about what had happened at least a few times a month, the tears would come from both of us, and the rebuilding had begun. One brick at a time, I started to let it go and allow the trust to come back, and he became so dedicated to me and our son there wasn't time for much else. He never once told me it was my fault and that meant so much to me because for a long time I swore it was. Every time I had a question or wanted to understand the why or when or whatever, he would answer without a hesitation. And I know some people wouldn't want to know but it really helped me begin to understand what had happened.
I look back on that time in our life now as a learning experience. Acceptance and forgiveness for the hurt we have caused each other, in one way or another. And the need to forgive in order to move on and let the past be, but I know not to forget and not to let it run your life. If neither one of us could have moved past it we wouldn't be where we are now, 2 beautiful children, a nice place of our own, a strong relationship, and an understanding of each other that I didn't think was possible. Sometimes it still hurts to think about whats happened, but without the problems and the drama, we would never have lasted. Blindly going through a relationship without stopping to understand why something bad happened and what went wrong will doom a relationship from the beginning, and being able to talk about everything the good the bad the ugly the pain.We now know working through it as a couple to protect against it happening again is the only thing that has saved us and kept us going. I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world more good than bad came out of one night of infidelity and without it who knows where we would be now.
My husband and I have been together for almost eight years. Some times it feels like it started just yesterday (we'll when you don't count the kids). It certainly has not been without its trials and tribulations, sometimes the list of difficult things is just way too long to think about. We've both are very hard headed and opininated, which can mean large loud battles over little stupid things. Eventually all the little stupid things turn into big ugly problems than seem nearly impossible to fix.
We go married in the summer, before my 20th birthday, and by the fall I was pregnant with our first child. At first we we're both so excited and couldn't wait for him to get here. Then when the second trimester started it all started to change. We started fighting over everything, and there was no relief in sight. Our friends weren't much help, they moved into where we were staying. It went from me and him living in his grandparents basement, to me him and all of his friends all sleeping and staying in the same room. It finally got to the point that the stress was too much. I went to stay with my mom for a night, I saw it as sometime to regain some composure. He saw it as the end, and I didn't hear or see him for nearly a week.
After that first week, I saw him off and on for small amounts of time. And at first there being someone else didn't even occur to me, until our mutual friends kept asking me who the girl was he was bringing everywhere. At first I just let it go and tried not to think about what he was doing. Then I crossed paths with him when they were together. Before I even had the chance to say something he was denying it, so I yet again tried not to think about it. He started to come see me more and try to work things out a piece at a time.
I moved three hours away with my parents, and we kept in contact by phone until he finally decided where he needed to be. I asked him repeatedly if he had ever done anything with the girl I had seen him with. I heard no for years after, and I never entirely believed it. Fast forward a couple years and we get into this big blow up, and he starts telling me what a horrible person he is. Calling himself a cheater and a horrible excuse for a husband. Then it hit me what he was trying to say, and I was devastated. All that time we spent building up our trust and working through all of it and what in my heart I had always known was true. He'd cheated on me.
Then the now what began, do I leave, do I try again to build it up from scratch and start over one more time. I really didn't know if I could do it again. I felt like I had been betrayed twice, and I didn't know if I wanted to risk getting hurt, or finding out there was other things that would come out later. Our son at the time was almost two and the thought of tearing his world apart killed me, and as much as it had hurt finding my worst fear confirmed, I wasn't ready to call it quits. I'd spent the better part of my life in this marriage and had been through way to much to not give it one more shot. And that is one decision I have never regretted.
It wasn't easy, especially with the kind of profession he's in, it involves a lot of travel and can mean lots of time away from home. I started checking his phone, email, and whatever else I could think of that would give him access to anyone else but me. We would sit down and talk about how we felt about what had happened at least a few times a month, the tears would come from both of us, and the rebuilding had begun. One brick at a time, I started to let it go and allow the trust to come back, and he became so dedicated to me and our son there wasn't time for much else. He never once told me it was my fault and that meant so much to me because for a long time I swore it was. Every time I had a question or wanted to understand the why or when or whatever, he would answer without a hesitation. And I know some people wouldn't want to know but it really helped me begin to understand what had happened.
I look back on that time in our life now as a learning experience. Acceptance and forgiveness for the hurt we have caused each other, in one way or another. And the need to forgive in order to move on and let the past be, but I know not to forget and not to let it run your life. If neither one of us could have moved past it we wouldn't be where we are now, 2 beautiful children, a nice place of our own, a strong relationship, and an understanding of each other that I didn't think was possible. Sometimes it still hurts to think about whats happened, but without the problems and the drama, we would never have lasted. Blindly going through a relationship without stopping to understand why something bad happened and what went wrong will doom a relationship from the beginning, and being able to talk about everything the good the bad the ugly the pain.We now know working through it as a couple to protect against it happening again is the only thing that has saved us and kept us going. I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world more good than bad came out of one night of infidelity and without it who knows where we would be now.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The spark
I've heard that a lot of people have a hard time, after a while, finding that spark that they used to have as a couple. Let me say this, I have been there, done that. It is not an easy thing to find again, it takes a lot of work on both parts. For a while there I wasn't sure if we would ever find it again.
It has been the hardest over the last couple of years. We went through a lot of things and it snowballed almost to the point of no return. While I was pregnant for our daughter, I felt like I just wasn't something that he wanted anymore, no matter what he told me I just couldn't change the way I felt. Fat and alone. And it didn't change after we had her either, we couldn't spend much alone time together there wasn't anytime to just be a couple. So we went weeks and weeks without touching each other. Every time we would try to talk about it, a argument would break out and I would leave the room in tears. I never thought it would change. I really thought we were headed for divorce. When ever he would try to touch me I would feel pushed, and as if he just couldn't understand. Eventually he quit trying all together.
I finally started to take stock of what it was that was really bothering me. Between the kids and the house I didn't really feel like a woman anymore. I just felt like a mom, and I couldn't understand how to be both. And that was something he couldn't fix for me, I had to fix it for myself. I started approaching the small things, like buying myself a sexy bra, or some cute underwear. Because I wanted them, not just because someone else wanted me to. Then I kissed my husband I tried not to think about all the other stuff, but just how it felt to be closer to him. I had to relearn how to enjoy myself and him as my husband, not just as a father to my kids, and the money maker. I taught myself to be sensual again in order to bring the spark back to our marriage.
It was a longer process than I had thought it would be, but anything worth while always is. Now it's so much better, we make the time to be together, even if its just to kiss each other for a while and not make it much further. It might not be the big kaboom, but its better than not touching each other at all. We now try to do little things through out the day as a reminder that we're thinking about one another. It could be a facebook message, or a voice mail, but its a reminder that helps when things get stressful. Sometimes we might not get together as much as we would like to, but that's why when we do we try to make it worth it to at least hold on to till the next time.
I guess what I can say is if you want someone to make you feel sexy, and wanted you have to feel like you should be wanted and that its ok to be sexy and a mom. Without feeling like you're taking something away from either one. Its a slow process and it has to be tweaked and processes have to be changed, but if you really want it it can be done. One day at a time. Slowly the spark will begin to glow again, as long as you make sure to throw some kindling on it once in a while.
It has been the hardest over the last couple of years. We went through a lot of things and it snowballed almost to the point of no return. While I was pregnant for our daughter, I felt like I just wasn't something that he wanted anymore, no matter what he told me I just couldn't change the way I felt. Fat and alone. And it didn't change after we had her either, we couldn't spend much alone time together there wasn't anytime to just be a couple. So we went weeks and weeks without touching each other. Every time we would try to talk about it, a argument would break out and I would leave the room in tears. I never thought it would change. I really thought we were headed for divorce. When ever he would try to touch me I would feel pushed, and as if he just couldn't understand. Eventually he quit trying all together.
I finally started to take stock of what it was that was really bothering me. Between the kids and the house I didn't really feel like a woman anymore. I just felt like a mom, and I couldn't understand how to be both. And that was something he couldn't fix for me, I had to fix it for myself. I started approaching the small things, like buying myself a sexy bra, or some cute underwear. Because I wanted them, not just because someone else wanted me to. Then I kissed my husband I tried not to think about all the other stuff, but just how it felt to be closer to him. I had to relearn how to enjoy myself and him as my husband, not just as a father to my kids, and the money maker. I taught myself to be sensual again in order to bring the spark back to our marriage.
It was a longer process than I had thought it would be, but anything worth while always is. Now it's so much better, we make the time to be together, even if its just to kiss each other for a while and not make it much further. It might not be the big kaboom, but its better than not touching each other at all. We now try to do little things through out the day as a reminder that we're thinking about one another. It could be a facebook message, or a voice mail, but its a reminder that helps when things get stressful. Sometimes we might not get together as much as we would like to, but that's why when we do we try to make it worth it to at least hold on to till the next time.
I guess what I can say is if you want someone to make you feel sexy, and wanted you have to feel like you should be wanted and that its ok to be sexy and a mom. Without feeling like you're taking something away from either one. Its a slow process and it has to be tweaked and processes have to be changed, but if you really want it it can be done. One day at a time. Slowly the spark will begin to glow again, as long as you make sure to throw some kindling on it once in a while.
Then and Now
Then and now.........
Partying: Then, wake up at noon, start drinking at five, up till 3.
Now, 2 beers feels like 10, in bed by ten up at 7am
Romance: Then, Dinner out, movie, making love all night long by candle light.
Now, quick dinner in, toy story 2, making love for 20 minutes quietly no candles they draw too much attention hurry up and finish so there is time to sleep before kids get up.
Vacation: Then, one bag a long car ride, spend almost entire time in the room, with minimal clothing.
Now, whole trunk and car filled to the roof (plus stuff strapped to the top), try not to spend much time in the room so kids don't make everyone crazy, multiple layers of clothes to avoid the awkward questions about anatomy.
Taking pictures: Then, everyone is of someone doing something crazy, while holding up drinks, and laughing like a hyena at every idiotic thing going on.
Now, all of them are of kids covered in some kind of food, or of them covering you in it. No drinks unless its in a sippy cup or is caffeinated.
Hangover: Then, didn't really know what one was.
Now, more than two drinks and you feel like you got hit by a train and thrown into a volcano
Going to the store: Then, go in get what you need and leave.
Now, go in wrestle kids into cart, chase the escapee down an aisle, trying to keep things we don't need out of the cart, hurrying up so the happy time doesn't turn into the screaming time. three trips to the bathroom, and still forget half of what you needed.
Stopping for gas: Then, pump gas, pay and leave.
Now, pay, take a list in of all the requests from the back seat, try not to take longer than 2minutes so no one thinks you left the kids in the car for too long and calls the cops, get out pump gas, then someone needs to use the bathroom and go back in and come back out and then hopefully leave.
It's just kinda silly to think about the difference in the way the simple things even become a ten step process. Crack me up anymore to think that I used to be in and out of the store in half an hour.
Partying: Then, wake up at noon, start drinking at five, up till 3.
Now, 2 beers feels like 10, in bed by ten up at 7am
Romance: Then, Dinner out, movie, making love all night long by candle light.
Now, quick dinner in, toy story 2, making love for 20 minutes quietly no candles they draw too much attention hurry up and finish so there is time to sleep before kids get up.
Vacation: Then, one bag a long car ride, spend almost entire time in the room, with minimal clothing.
Now, whole trunk and car filled to the roof (plus stuff strapped to the top), try not to spend much time in the room so kids don't make everyone crazy, multiple layers of clothes to avoid the awkward questions about anatomy.
Taking pictures: Then, everyone is of someone doing something crazy, while holding up drinks, and laughing like a hyena at every idiotic thing going on.
Now, all of them are of kids covered in some kind of food, or of them covering you in it. No drinks unless its in a sippy cup or is caffeinated.
Hangover: Then, didn't really know what one was.
Now, more than two drinks and you feel like you got hit by a train and thrown into a volcano
Going to the store: Then, go in get what you need and leave.
Now, go in wrestle kids into cart, chase the escapee down an aisle, trying to keep things we don't need out of the cart, hurrying up so the happy time doesn't turn into the screaming time. three trips to the bathroom, and still forget half of what you needed.
Stopping for gas: Then, pump gas, pay and leave.
Now, pay, take a list in of all the requests from the back seat, try not to take longer than 2minutes so no one thinks you left the kids in the car for too long and calls the cops, get out pump gas, then someone needs to use the bathroom and go back in and come back out and then hopefully leave.
It's just kinda silly to think about the difference in the way the simple things even become a ten step process. Crack me up anymore to think that I used to be in and out of the store in half an hour.
Things that you should have been warned about before parenthood
There are some things I really wish someone would have told me about before I had my first child. For instance:
1. Using the toilet alone is a privilege, not a guarantee
2. More than ten minutes in the bathroom, and they act like you went to the moon
3. Trying to come up with the answers to question like "mommy where is sissy's weenis?" is not as easy as you thought it would be.
4. Bribery only works for so long.
5. If you ask your mom a question, don't expect advice, just a giggle, a snort, and the I remember when you did that.
6. Getting a kiss from your kids is asking to be covered in whatever they just ate.
7. Getting a break for a night can cause repercussions, from all the spoiling that went on when you were away
8. People that don't have kids, can't understand why you can't just drop it and leave on a whim, or why you bring so much with you when you take them somewhere (anymore it's like packing for a week long trip)
9. Trying to have sex before midnight anywhere but in your own room with the door locked, is like trying to tiptoe around landmines.
10. last but not least, if you choose to stay at home, talking to a grown up other than your husband seems like an addiction to crack. You act crazy when you get it, and when you don't you'd chew your own arm off to get some.
I know its not always the same for everyone, but there are times when I wished they wrote about some of this stuff in those books they want you to read before you have kids. I think it all needs to come with a warning label. But hey in the end it's all something you can make fun of them for when they bring home their first date. We'll call it ammo for later!
1. Using the toilet alone is a privilege, not a guarantee
2. More than ten minutes in the bathroom, and they act like you went to the moon
3. Trying to come up with the answers to question like "mommy where is sissy's weenis?" is not as easy as you thought it would be.
4. Bribery only works for so long.
5. If you ask your mom a question, don't expect advice, just a giggle, a snort, and the I remember when you did that.
6. Getting a kiss from your kids is asking to be covered in whatever they just ate.
7. Getting a break for a night can cause repercussions, from all the spoiling that went on when you were away
8. People that don't have kids, can't understand why you can't just drop it and leave on a whim, or why you bring so much with you when you take them somewhere (anymore it's like packing for a week long trip)
9. Trying to have sex before midnight anywhere but in your own room with the door locked, is like trying to tiptoe around landmines.
10. last but not least, if you choose to stay at home, talking to a grown up other than your husband seems like an addiction to crack. You act crazy when you get it, and when you don't you'd chew your own arm off to get some.
I know its not always the same for everyone, but there are times when I wished they wrote about some of this stuff in those books they want you to read before you have kids. I think it all needs to come with a warning label. But hey in the end it's all something you can make fun of them for when they bring home their first date. We'll call it ammo for later!
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