As I've gotten older, I have come to realize a few things, it is alright to be yourself and not conform to the people around you, and just because people don't always like you for whatever reason doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
I've always been one of those pleaser types. I wanted everyone to like me and when they didn't I would blame myself. What could I have done to not have that happen. It took me almost my entire life to realize if someone doesn't like me it doesn't mean I'm unlikeable or there's something wrong with me. I used to try to be whatever someone else wanted me to be, and I never really felt like I was "myself". It was a hard habit to break. I was really good at becoming the doormat because of that. I would let people use me to drive them around, or for money, or whatever. And I thought it would make them like me more. But what it really did was make it easier for people to use me to their advantage.
There were times when I would go out of my way to do something for someone else, and never really look at what I was doing. As the years went by I would look back and go "holy crap I cannot believe I didn't see that" they were just my "friend" for the things I had. Now I didn't always have a lot but I was always willing to let people use or have whatever they needed. I would give they would take, but when it came time for me to need help, or just someone to be there for me, people were either too busy, or just plain didn't care.
I finally had to grow a back bone, and not to sound like one of those lovely "B" words, but I had to say no, and when someone would say something stupid, give a polite "up yours" in return. I will not be walked on anymore, and if its something that I can do I will help, but if its something that in the end will put me in an iffy position you can go find another pushover sucker. I will fully admit to be a little jaded now, but there will be no more taking advantage of me, I am a grown up in every sense of the word. And if you can't grow up it is not my job to be your "parent".
Not a long one, but I needed to vent a little :)
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Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The intimacy
So I guess I'm going to hit on an little bit R rated topic today. Be prepared, this could be interesting. I was thinking about sex after children, and about how different it is prior to the bundles of joy arriving. There were times when we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and wouldn't even make it out of the driveway. Still makes me smile to think about that. But anymore, we're lucky to find the time and energy to even make an attempt at it. It was hard even being pregnant, I've read that lots of women, gain a bigger sex drive. I was not one of those, I felt like someone else had taken over my body, I was round and everything felt foreign. It didn't turn me on it made me feel like a leper. Don't get me wrong I still had a sex drive, but only when I was alone, the thought of anyone touching me made me want to cry.
It's been a constant process adjusting to the changes in my body, permanent and temporary over the years, and trying to find a balance between time with the kids, and time with each other. It's one of those things your very naive about until you're actually going through it. Initially I never really thought we would have issues in that department, because everything came so naturally. But the more years we've been together, the more unique ways we have to find to keep it "fresh". The excitement of a new relationship fades, and sometimes you fall into a routine. And sad to say one of the first things that starts to go is the sex and intimacy. Adjusting to new roles, makes it easy to forget other needs.
At first when he would try to talk to me about how he was feeling, I would get so upset that it would just turn into a fight. It got to the point the mention of anything sexual caused frustration on every ones part. For a while we just quit trying. We didn't want to fight, so we just let it sit there on the back burner. Thinking that eventually it would fix it's self. It took a lot of reflection to realize that that wasn't happening.
Finally we had to sit down and have a long talk about what it was that was holding everything back, it took days, to get through it all. Then it was like having to start from scratch, holding hands, actually hugging each other without rushing through it. Slow gentle kisses, a soft caress, just taking it one step at a time to reignite the attraction and the passion that had been lying dormant for so long. There are times when you need to approach subjects that make you feel vulnerable, or sad, and be willing to leave yourself open to criticism on all sides. Just to start the process of fixing it all. Now one look and one touch and the heat starts to rise, and I can say we finally made it back to where we needed to be. But if we hadn't put all the hurt and frustration out on the table, we probably wouldn't be where we are today.
Once you add sex into a relationship, it becomes something that needs to be maintained and appreciated, just like anything else. After its there is something that is as much a need as talking, it is not something you can just take away and not expect repercussions. Sex can't be everything in a relationship, but it also can't be erased from it, without taking away something that is of great value to it.
It's been a constant process adjusting to the changes in my body, permanent and temporary over the years, and trying to find a balance between time with the kids, and time with each other. It's one of those things your very naive about until you're actually going through it. Initially I never really thought we would have issues in that department, because everything came so naturally. But the more years we've been together, the more unique ways we have to find to keep it "fresh". The excitement of a new relationship fades, and sometimes you fall into a routine. And sad to say one of the first things that starts to go is the sex and intimacy. Adjusting to new roles, makes it easy to forget other needs.
At first when he would try to talk to me about how he was feeling, I would get so upset that it would just turn into a fight. It got to the point the mention of anything sexual caused frustration on every ones part. For a while we just quit trying. We didn't want to fight, so we just let it sit there on the back burner. Thinking that eventually it would fix it's self. It took a lot of reflection to realize that that wasn't happening.
Finally we had to sit down and have a long talk about what it was that was holding everything back, it took days, to get through it all. Then it was like having to start from scratch, holding hands, actually hugging each other without rushing through it. Slow gentle kisses, a soft caress, just taking it one step at a time to reignite the attraction and the passion that had been lying dormant for so long. There are times when you need to approach subjects that make you feel vulnerable, or sad, and be willing to leave yourself open to criticism on all sides. Just to start the process of fixing it all. Now one look and one touch and the heat starts to rise, and I can say we finally made it back to where we needed to be. But if we hadn't put all the hurt and frustration out on the table, we probably wouldn't be where we are today.
Once you add sex into a relationship, it becomes something that needs to be maintained and appreciated, just like anything else. After its there is something that is as much a need as talking, it is not something you can just take away and not expect repercussions. Sex can't be everything in a relationship, but it also can't be erased from it, without taking away something that is of great value to it.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Clearing a spot for myself in this world
It's kind of funny to think about when I started blogging that I assumed no one would read it or relate to it. And I have never been so happy to be wrong in my life. There are way more people out there that think and understand things like I do. It makes it seem like I'm not always just writing for myself but for someone else also.
I never try to put up a front or be something I'm not (much to some people's dismay). It has worked for me thus far I'm still alive and so are my beautiful children. Sometimes it's hard finding people in this world to relate to, that won't judge or be two faced, but when you find those few people (whether on line or in person) it can be one of the most inspiring moments in your life. I have never been one of those people that things come easy for, everything has come with a lot of work and some very strong life lessons (the good bad and ugly). Having people be able to read something that came from my heart and soul, and not twist it into something, but instead take it and appreciate it is beyond gratifying.
I am not trying to change the world, just make my little world a little brighter and easier to understand (sometimes for myself more than anyone). For me everything makes more sense when its written down, you can take it and understand how you feel, and maybe it might be a little surprising.
I've tried to stay away from writing about things that are, for lack of a better term, graphic. I don't want the shock value that comes with that (sometimes I get that enough in person). Not everything is an open book, I would like to get to that point but I'm not ready for that yet. Revealing things a little at a time seems to be an easier and less scary way to go. By no means am I saying that it doesn't frustrate me that people I thought would understand me just don't, or that the ones I expected to be there aren't. But occasionally an individual has to find their own way and their own voice in this world full of other peoples opinions and drama.
I used to really get upset if someone didn't like what I had to say, or got mad at me, but I've learned being someone I'm not isn't going to help. I am what I say I am and that's all that I am (thanks Popeye for that one). Take me and what I have to say, and appreciate me as an individual or don't it's up to you. But I will still write and live my life the way I see fit. Even with the pitfalls and heartbreak. I will not be someone I'm not for anyone else benefit. But I thank everyone that has been there for me when I needed them without judgment or accusations I am just trying to make a space for myself in this world, one thought or action at a time. So far I think I'm making great progress. :)
I never try to put up a front or be something I'm not (much to some people's dismay). It has worked for me thus far I'm still alive and so are my beautiful children. Sometimes it's hard finding people in this world to relate to, that won't judge or be two faced, but when you find those few people (whether on line or in person) it can be one of the most inspiring moments in your life. I have never been one of those people that things come easy for, everything has come with a lot of work and some very strong life lessons (the good bad and ugly). Having people be able to read something that came from my heart and soul, and not twist it into something, but instead take it and appreciate it is beyond gratifying.
I am not trying to change the world, just make my little world a little brighter and easier to understand (sometimes for myself more than anyone). For me everything makes more sense when its written down, you can take it and understand how you feel, and maybe it might be a little surprising.
I've tried to stay away from writing about things that are, for lack of a better term, graphic. I don't want the shock value that comes with that (sometimes I get that enough in person). Not everything is an open book, I would like to get to that point but I'm not ready for that yet. Revealing things a little at a time seems to be an easier and less scary way to go. By no means am I saying that it doesn't frustrate me that people I thought would understand me just don't, or that the ones I expected to be there aren't. But occasionally an individual has to find their own way and their own voice in this world full of other peoples opinions and drama.
I used to really get upset if someone didn't like what I had to say, or got mad at me, but I've learned being someone I'm not isn't going to help. I am what I say I am and that's all that I am (thanks Popeye for that one). Take me and what I have to say, and appreciate me as an individual or don't it's up to you. But I will still write and live my life the way I see fit. Even with the pitfalls and heartbreak. I will not be someone I'm not for anyone else benefit. But I thank everyone that has been there for me when I needed them without judgment or accusations I am just trying to make a space for myself in this world, one thought or action at a time. So far I think I'm making great progress. :)
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