As I've gotten older, I have come to realize a few things, it is alright to be yourself and not conform to the people around you, and just because people don't always like you for whatever reason doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
I've always been one of those pleaser types. I wanted everyone to like me and when they didn't I would blame myself. What could I have done to not have that happen. It took me almost my entire life to realize if someone doesn't like me it doesn't mean I'm unlikeable or there's something wrong with me. I used to try to be whatever someone else wanted me to be, and I never really felt like I was "myself". It was a hard habit to break. I was really good at becoming the doormat because of that. I would let people use me to drive them around, or for money, or whatever. And I thought it would make them like me more. But what it really did was make it easier for people to use me to their advantage.
There were times when I would go out of my way to do something for someone else, and never really look at what I was doing. As the years went by I would look back and go "holy crap I cannot believe I didn't see that" they were just my "friend" for the things I had. Now I didn't always have a lot but I was always willing to let people use or have whatever they needed. I would give they would take, but when it came time for me to need help, or just someone to be there for me, people were either too busy, or just plain didn't care.
I finally had to grow a back bone, and not to sound like one of those lovely "B" words, but I had to say no, and when someone would say something stupid, give a polite "up yours" in return. I will not be walked on anymore, and if its something that I can do I will help, but if its something that in the end will put me in an iffy position you can go find another pushover sucker. I will fully admit to be a little jaded now, but there will be no more taking advantage of me, I am a grown up in every sense of the word. And if you can't grow up it is not my job to be your "parent".
Not a long one, but I needed to vent a little :)
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The intimacy
So I guess I'm going to hit on an little bit R rated topic today. Be prepared, this could be interesting. I was thinking about sex after children, and about how different it is prior to the bundles of joy arriving. There were times when we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and wouldn't even make it out of the driveway. Still makes me smile to think about that. But anymore, we're lucky to find the time and energy to even make an attempt at it. It was hard even being pregnant, I've read that lots of women, gain a bigger sex drive. I was not one of those, I felt like someone else had taken over my body, I was round and everything felt foreign. It didn't turn me on it made me feel like a leper. Don't get me wrong I still had a sex drive, but only when I was alone, the thought of anyone touching me made me want to cry.
It's been a constant process adjusting to the changes in my body, permanent and temporary over the years, and trying to find a balance between time with the kids, and time with each other. It's one of those things your very naive about until you're actually going through it. Initially I never really thought we would have issues in that department, because everything came so naturally. But the more years we've been together, the more unique ways we have to find to keep it "fresh". The excitement of a new relationship fades, and sometimes you fall into a routine. And sad to say one of the first things that starts to go is the sex and intimacy. Adjusting to new roles, makes it easy to forget other needs.
At first when he would try to talk to me about how he was feeling, I would get so upset that it would just turn into a fight. It got to the point the mention of anything sexual caused frustration on every ones part. For a while we just quit trying. We didn't want to fight, so we just let it sit there on the back burner. Thinking that eventually it would fix it's self. It took a lot of reflection to realize that that wasn't happening.
Finally we had to sit down and have a long talk about what it was that was holding everything back, it took days, to get through it all. Then it was like having to start from scratch, holding hands, actually hugging each other without rushing through it. Slow gentle kisses, a soft caress, just taking it one step at a time to reignite the attraction and the passion that had been lying dormant for so long. There are times when you need to approach subjects that make you feel vulnerable, or sad, and be willing to leave yourself open to criticism on all sides. Just to start the process of fixing it all. Now one look and one touch and the heat starts to rise, and I can say we finally made it back to where we needed to be. But if we hadn't put all the hurt and frustration out on the table, we probably wouldn't be where we are today.
Once you add sex into a relationship, it becomes something that needs to be maintained and appreciated, just like anything else. After its there is something that is as much a need as talking, it is not something you can just take away and not expect repercussions. Sex can't be everything in a relationship, but it also can't be erased from it, without taking away something that is of great value to it.
It's been a constant process adjusting to the changes in my body, permanent and temporary over the years, and trying to find a balance between time with the kids, and time with each other. It's one of those things your very naive about until you're actually going through it. Initially I never really thought we would have issues in that department, because everything came so naturally. But the more years we've been together, the more unique ways we have to find to keep it "fresh". The excitement of a new relationship fades, and sometimes you fall into a routine. And sad to say one of the first things that starts to go is the sex and intimacy. Adjusting to new roles, makes it easy to forget other needs.
At first when he would try to talk to me about how he was feeling, I would get so upset that it would just turn into a fight. It got to the point the mention of anything sexual caused frustration on every ones part. For a while we just quit trying. We didn't want to fight, so we just let it sit there on the back burner. Thinking that eventually it would fix it's self. It took a lot of reflection to realize that that wasn't happening.
Finally we had to sit down and have a long talk about what it was that was holding everything back, it took days, to get through it all. Then it was like having to start from scratch, holding hands, actually hugging each other without rushing through it. Slow gentle kisses, a soft caress, just taking it one step at a time to reignite the attraction and the passion that had been lying dormant for so long. There are times when you need to approach subjects that make you feel vulnerable, or sad, and be willing to leave yourself open to criticism on all sides. Just to start the process of fixing it all. Now one look and one touch and the heat starts to rise, and I can say we finally made it back to where we needed to be. But if we hadn't put all the hurt and frustration out on the table, we probably wouldn't be where we are today.
Once you add sex into a relationship, it becomes something that needs to be maintained and appreciated, just like anything else. After its there is something that is as much a need as talking, it is not something you can just take away and not expect repercussions. Sex can't be everything in a relationship, but it also can't be erased from it, without taking away something that is of great value to it.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Clearing a spot for myself in this world
It's kind of funny to think about when I started blogging that I assumed no one would read it or relate to it. And I have never been so happy to be wrong in my life. There are way more people out there that think and understand things like I do. It makes it seem like I'm not always just writing for myself but for someone else also.
I never try to put up a front or be something I'm not (much to some people's dismay). It has worked for me thus far I'm still alive and so are my beautiful children. Sometimes it's hard finding people in this world to relate to, that won't judge or be two faced, but when you find those few people (whether on line or in person) it can be one of the most inspiring moments in your life. I have never been one of those people that things come easy for, everything has come with a lot of work and some very strong life lessons (the good bad and ugly). Having people be able to read something that came from my heart and soul, and not twist it into something, but instead take it and appreciate it is beyond gratifying.
I am not trying to change the world, just make my little world a little brighter and easier to understand (sometimes for myself more than anyone). For me everything makes more sense when its written down, you can take it and understand how you feel, and maybe it might be a little surprising.
I've tried to stay away from writing about things that are, for lack of a better term, graphic. I don't want the shock value that comes with that (sometimes I get that enough in person). Not everything is an open book, I would like to get to that point but I'm not ready for that yet. Revealing things a little at a time seems to be an easier and less scary way to go. By no means am I saying that it doesn't frustrate me that people I thought would understand me just don't, or that the ones I expected to be there aren't. But occasionally an individual has to find their own way and their own voice in this world full of other peoples opinions and drama.
I used to really get upset if someone didn't like what I had to say, or got mad at me, but I've learned being someone I'm not isn't going to help. I am what I say I am and that's all that I am (thanks Popeye for that one). Take me and what I have to say, and appreciate me as an individual or don't it's up to you. But I will still write and live my life the way I see fit. Even with the pitfalls and heartbreak. I will not be someone I'm not for anyone else benefit. But I thank everyone that has been there for me when I needed them without judgment or accusations I am just trying to make a space for myself in this world, one thought or action at a time. So far I think I'm making great progress. :)
I never try to put up a front or be something I'm not (much to some people's dismay). It has worked for me thus far I'm still alive and so are my beautiful children. Sometimes it's hard finding people in this world to relate to, that won't judge or be two faced, but when you find those few people (whether on line or in person) it can be one of the most inspiring moments in your life. I have never been one of those people that things come easy for, everything has come with a lot of work and some very strong life lessons (the good bad and ugly). Having people be able to read something that came from my heart and soul, and not twist it into something, but instead take it and appreciate it is beyond gratifying.
I am not trying to change the world, just make my little world a little brighter and easier to understand (sometimes for myself more than anyone). For me everything makes more sense when its written down, you can take it and understand how you feel, and maybe it might be a little surprising.
I've tried to stay away from writing about things that are, for lack of a better term, graphic. I don't want the shock value that comes with that (sometimes I get that enough in person). Not everything is an open book, I would like to get to that point but I'm not ready for that yet. Revealing things a little at a time seems to be an easier and less scary way to go. By no means am I saying that it doesn't frustrate me that people I thought would understand me just don't, or that the ones I expected to be there aren't. But occasionally an individual has to find their own way and their own voice in this world full of other peoples opinions and drama.
I used to really get upset if someone didn't like what I had to say, or got mad at me, but I've learned being someone I'm not isn't going to help. I am what I say I am and that's all that I am (thanks Popeye for that one). Take me and what I have to say, and appreciate me as an individual or don't it's up to you. But I will still write and live my life the way I see fit. Even with the pitfalls and heartbreak. I will not be someone I'm not for anyone else benefit. But I thank everyone that has been there for me when I needed them without judgment or accusations I am just trying to make a space for myself in this world, one thought or action at a time. So far I think I'm making great progress. :)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
My Mom
I know mother's day is coming up so I thought I would talk about mine a little bit. My mom is something all her own, sometimes we fight like cats and dogs and go days without talking when we're mad at each other, but I know if I'm in a pinch my mom will always find a way to pull through.
Sometimes she's hard headed and doesn't listen (I hate to admit it but I guess I come by it naturally) and there by occasionally misses the point of what I'm saying. I have grown to understand why she is the way she is over the years. She can be my best friend and worst enemy, but regardless of the things I've done she is always there (when she can find her phone anyway).
Over all she is a great person that will give you the shirt off her back when you need it (and I mean that figuratively and literally). She has taken my son on vacation with her when I've been broken, so I wouldn't have to find someone to come help me. There have been times where she has gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to just about anything. She doesn't always get the credit she deserves, and she will only inform you of that fact occasionally.
I try to stick up for her whenever I can regardless of the consequences because she deserves at least that. I would do anything to make her happy til this day, and sometimes I might fall short of that goal, but I try my best. I've learned a lot of things from her, how to cook, clean, be a mom, and try not to let life drag you down. There is always a light you just have to know where to look for it. She is amazing for the things she has gone through and still is going though, and I love her with all my heart and wouldn't change her for the world. I love you mom Happy Mother's Day! Without you I would be lost beyond understanding.
Sometimes she's hard headed and doesn't listen (I hate to admit it but I guess I come by it naturally) and there by occasionally misses the point of what I'm saying. I have grown to understand why she is the way she is over the years. She can be my best friend and worst enemy, but regardless of the things I've done she is always there (when she can find her phone anyway).
Over all she is a great person that will give you the shirt off her back when you need it (and I mean that figuratively and literally). She has taken my son on vacation with her when I've been broken, so I wouldn't have to find someone to come help me. There have been times where she has gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to just about anything. She doesn't always get the credit she deserves, and she will only inform you of that fact occasionally.
I try to stick up for her whenever I can regardless of the consequences because she deserves at least that. I would do anything to make her happy til this day, and sometimes I might fall short of that goal, but I try my best. I've learned a lot of things from her, how to cook, clean, be a mom, and try not to let life drag you down. There is always a light you just have to know where to look for it. She is amazing for the things she has gone through and still is going though, and I love her with all my heart and wouldn't change her for the world. I love you mom Happy Mother's Day! Without you I would be lost beyond understanding.
Monday, April 25, 2011
I've made a decision.
I have come to the decision that I can not to help people that don't want to be helped. There have been many nights where I had a hard time sleeping trying to come up with fixes to problems, I know in the end no one will try to fix. It has been slowly driving me crazy. The things that go on sometimes bother me to the point of making me ill, but if they don't bother other people enough to find a way out of said situation, then what can I do?
I can't save someone that doesn't think they need saving, the only people I can save are myself and my family. So I have decided that is what I am doing. I have pulled myself out of a stressful situation, and some of the consequences might bother me, but I know when you have to say enough. No child should have to watch they're parents get upset and stressed out over things that are out of their control. I will not take other people's burdens as my own. All it has ever done is put stress on my family, and my marriage. Some people don't think that a child will understand when something goes on in a house whether negative or positive, but in the end they notice way more than any one realizes.
My children and my husband are the most important people in my life, and they deserve to have me at my best. And I can not be totally there for them when I am consumed by other peoples issues. I have tried to find a way to balance my family's and everyone else problems, but in the end I get consumed by fixing everyone elses issues cause their problems seem to be worse and bigger than mine. But there by my problems get bigger, and are no longer simple fixes.
I will no longer be the cheer leader on the sideline of everyone elses crap, I'm tired of saying "go go you can do it, it'll be fine, you can do it" and having it not really mean anything. Nothing will change no effort will be made, so what exactly am I cheering for? I will not feel bad for something that is not my fault. I will not take it upon myself to fix everyone else, and allow myself to fall apart.
I will not feel bad that my problems aren't as big as someone elses so they don't matter. Feeling bad for how I feel, or what I think is no longer an option. I am an individual and am allowed to do that, and not feel bad because someone else doesn't like it. There is no more feeling guilty for things that I can not control or fix. Just because my problems aren't off the charts crazy does not mean they're not bothering me, and being told how much worse, or how the same somebody elses are, makes me ill-legitimized. And I will no longer put up with that.
I do not enjoy being compared and picked apart, and I will no longer pretend like it doesn't bother me. I deserve the same respect I give to others. And until that day, I am going to concentrate on what my family and I need without feeling bad about it. They are my life, and who need me the most, and sometimes you just have to know when to say when.
I can't save someone that doesn't think they need saving, the only people I can save are myself and my family. So I have decided that is what I am doing. I have pulled myself out of a stressful situation, and some of the consequences might bother me, but I know when you have to say enough. No child should have to watch they're parents get upset and stressed out over things that are out of their control. I will not take other people's burdens as my own. All it has ever done is put stress on my family, and my marriage. Some people don't think that a child will understand when something goes on in a house whether negative or positive, but in the end they notice way more than any one realizes.
My children and my husband are the most important people in my life, and they deserve to have me at my best. And I can not be totally there for them when I am consumed by other peoples issues. I have tried to find a way to balance my family's and everyone else problems, but in the end I get consumed by fixing everyone elses issues cause their problems seem to be worse and bigger than mine. But there by my problems get bigger, and are no longer simple fixes.
I will no longer be the cheer leader on the sideline of everyone elses crap, I'm tired of saying "go go you can do it, it'll be fine, you can do it" and having it not really mean anything. Nothing will change no effort will be made, so what exactly am I cheering for? I will not feel bad for something that is not my fault. I will not take it upon myself to fix everyone else, and allow myself to fall apart.
I will not feel bad that my problems aren't as big as someone elses so they don't matter. Feeling bad for how I feel, or what I think is no longer an option. I am an individual and am allowed to do that, and not feel bad because someone else doesn't like it. There is no more feeling guilty for things that I can not control or fix. Just because my problems aren't off the charts crazy does not mean they're not bothering me, and being told how much worse, or how the same somebody elses are, makes me ill-legitimized. And I will no longer put up with that.
I do not enjoy being compared and picked apart, and I will no longer pretend like it doesn't bother me. I deserve the same respect I give to others. And until that day, I am going to concentrate on what my family and I need without feeling bad about it. They are my life, and who need me the most, and sometimes you just have to know when to say when.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Favorite Quotes From my son
My son is great, he comes up with the most insane things to say sometimes....
To our doctor today while hiding under the table "I'm shy I don't want to talk to you"
and "I know that color but you can tell me what it is" and when the doctor let him look in his mouth with the little light things he said "you have guckies on your tongue."
The new things to say when he likes something "that is cooler than cat poop on a shower curtain". I don't know who's cat poops on a shower curtain but apparently its pretty cool.
"I love you more than poopie doopie in a box" well that's great I'm glad I rate above poop in a box.
My husband and I were doing some research on where we're from and talking about Ireland and our son piped up and said "Johnny Jones is from Ireland, Ireland is in the south north west of north america. See he lives in that white house on the corner with the black insides" I never knew somebody could be in so many places or who the heck Johnny Jones is.
I was bra shopping on the internet and here he comes around the corner "stop mom, I have to pick one of those girls to be my girlfriend. And it has to be the hottest one so I can bring her home to marry her".
He told my husband that he "played with Slayer twenty years ago and they were rocking".
He found something that we bought when we first started dating ( I can't remember what it was) and he said "I bought that for you guys 7 years ago." I guess time travel has happened the rest of us must have missed the memo.
"mom sissy is cutesy wootsie dootsie isn't she, but sometimes she smells like lots of poop."
There are plenty more where these came from so just stay tuned!
To our doctor today while hiding under the table "I'm shy I don't want to talk to you"
and "I know that color but you can tell me what it is" and when the doctor let him look in his mouth with the little light things he said "you have guckies on your tongue."
The new things to say when he likes something "that is cooler than cat poop on a shower curtain". I don't know who's cat poops on a shower curtain but apparently its pretty cool.
"I love you more than poopie doopie in a box" well that's great I'm glad I rate above poop in a box.
My husband and I were doing some research on where we're from and talking about Ireland and our son piped up and said "Johnny Jones is from Ireland, Ireland is in the south north west of north america. See he lives in that white house on the corner with the black insides" I never knew somebody could be in so many places or who the heck Johnny Jones is.
I was bra shopping on the internet and here he comes around the corner "stop mom, I have to pick one of those girls to be my girlfriend. And it has to be the hottest one so I can bring her home to marry her".
He told my husband that he "played with Slayer twenty years ago and they were rocking".
He found something that we bought when we first started dating ( I can't remember what it was) and he said "I bought that for you guys 7 years ago." I guess time travel has happened the rest of us must have missed the memo.
"mom sissy is cutesy wootsie dootsie isn't she, but sometimes she smells like lots of poop."
There are plenty more where these came from so just stay tuned!
Making sacrifices
Well we sold our car today to pay some bills. It will suck to be without a car again, but I will give up anything in order to keep us a float and make sure my kids are taken care of. It hasn't been easy, and nothing is as simple as it seems, but in the end at least we can say we're doing the best we can. I haven't given up the battle for survival and don't plan to.
It seems like things always fall apart at the same time, but some how we can find a solution. The decisions we're forced to make as grown ups and parents aren't always easy, but its the ability to make them that counts. I hate not having a car, but I would have really hated giving up my home. Sometimes it's hard to believe how quickly things can spiral out of control. One minute you just need a little help, and the next you're so far behind, catching up seems nearly impossible.
One problem I've always had is second guessing my own decisions, and letting other people's thoughts and opinions run my own household. I've finally made it to the point that I can say, I know what's best for my family, even if not everyone thinks like I do. In the end its my decision not anyone elses, they won't have to live with the consequences. I'm not saying that everyone has to agree with me or approve. Just respect my decisions and when I need someone to talk to don't preach to me, just let me have an ear to vent to or a shoulder to cry on. Just because it's not the way you would have done something does not make it wrong it just makes it different. And in the end the differences are what make life interesting, and lets everyone blaze their own trail and learn from the own mistakes and decisions.
Somethings you might see as extremely important when looked at in a different light just don't look the same. Take the time to really look at something before deciding how important it really is.
It seems like things always fall apart at the same time, but some how we can find a solution. The decisions we're forced to make as grown ups and parents aren't always easy, but its the ability to make them that counts. I hate not having a car, but I would have really hated giving up my home. Sometimes it's hard to believe how quickly things can spiral out of control. One minute you just need a little help, and the next you're so far behind, catching up seems nearly impossible.
One problem I've always had is second guessing my own decisions, and letting other people's thoughts and opinions run my own household. I've finally made it to the point that I can say, I know what's best for my family, even if not everyone thinks like I do. In the end its my decision not anyone elses, they won't have to live with the consequences. I'm not saying that everyone has to agree with me or approve. Just respect my decisions and when I need someone to talk to don't preach to me, just let me have an ear to vent to or a shoulder to cry on. Just because it's not the way you would have done something does not make it wrong it just makes it different. And in the end the differences are what make life interesting, and lets everyone blaze their own trail and learn from the own mistakes and decisions.
Somethings you might see as extremely important when looked at in a different light just don't look the same. Take the time to really look at something before deciding how important it really is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)